SE2 and I have declared "friends." She was ready to move a little faster than I was. All good...she's a great lady and I wish her luck.
XW and I have been out a few times since...some good, some bad. She's showing a lot more self-awareness than I have seen from her. She seems to understand some of the dynamics in herself that brought us to this place. She also seems to understand the amount of damage she's done. And she sounds like she's starting to dig in and figure out some of her things...to start to become who she wants to be. That's all extremely positive.
On the bad side, I think there's still an awful lot of resentment on her side for some of my behavior. She continues to bring up things from even before our M, things I've apologized for many many times. To me, it means she hasn't gotten to a place of forgiveness yet, neither for me, nor herself. That's a tough hurdle though, so maybe she'll get there with more time. I still see her struggling to be honest, and we've discussed that at length. Another huge hurdle.
Regarding forgiveness, I think I still have more to work on there. I have zero trust in XW and an awful lot of fear, and when we discussed, she actually said, "I respect your need to protect yourself." Again, a deeper understanding of whats going on that I would have gotten from her previously.
My GAL has been a bit limited lately....my knee is a little banged up, so not been running either. Hoping to get back in the swing of things this week. I feel like I need to challenge myself more, to get out of my comfort zone more.
Wow, my updates are really starting to stretch out! I'll take a page out of Spartan's book and write a...well, a book
XW and I were starting to get comfortable and I thought we might be inching towards healing. But I became aware that OM was still chasing her, and she hadn't shut it down completely so I started to distance myself from her again. We talked about it multiple times, and she knows how I feel about it, but yet isn't willing to cut ties with him.
Yesterday she dropped off some things and asked me if I had decided if we'd do Thanksgiving together. I told her I was uncomfortable with the idea. She left fairly quickly and then followed up with some texting. She admitted she was working with OM again (the honesty is good I suppose, but it also contradicts her statement a week ago that she had him blocked on her phone).
At that point I told her that until OM was out of her life, I was. I told her it wasn't healthy for me, nor was it healthy for any relationship I might start to continue acting like we have been. This isn't new news to her, but I need to walk the walk here. She told me how different she was, and how I would eventually see it, blah blah. There is absolutely no scenario where we could heal our relationship with OM involved in any shape or form....none. So with that, I am now as dark as I can be given the kiddos.
I think I'm finally at the point where I am accepting that there really might not be reconciliation (yes, I guess I'm either really slow, or really stubborn!). I was holding on tightly to hope that there would be at some point (which was keeping me from moving forward)....but I'm letting it slip away now. I thought XW would get to the point where she missed OUR life together....but so far, all she's missed is HER life with me.
My GAL was slow at the beginning of the month, but I started to get out there a bit more in the last few weeks. I stopped making excuses and pushed myself to do something, and I've been enjoying it. I've been on a few dates, and made a few more for the next few weekends. I rolled in some cooking classes, some wine tastings, and started hitting the gym a little heavier.
All in all, life is good. I feel like I've been on a mini-vacation these last few months in terms of self improvement so it's time I dug back in and finished a few books and ask myself again, "what don't I like about me? Who do I want to be?"
"what don't I like about me? Who do I want to be?"
Short and simple, yet asks so much. I think I will write that down and read it everyday.
Thanks
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hey JP....thanks for asking. I'm a little late checking in because...well, I just don't check my own thread that often any more
I'm really good all in all. I'm dating, and while weird, it's also fun. I'm a lot more confident in who I am and I recognize that I am the prize. It's a long way from the insecure guy I used to be.
XW and I have limited interactions. She was over last week to pick up the kids and propositioned me, but this time, I bowed out. It was really the first time I had said no to her....finally walking the walk as I had said in my last post. She was really upset about it and it turned into a relationship discussion. Basically I just said what I've been saying for 6 months...lose the OM and we can talk. I have had enough of the drama....I like the peace I have now, even if it means no reconciliation.
I've been real busy with my life so haven't had much time to sit and think about things too much. My focus has turned from repairing my M to building new relationships.
I'm volunteering at church this weekend to serve Thanksgiving dinner to those in need, along with XW and all our kids. This is an area where I wanted to start putting some effort, but continually made excuses. I could have said "I don't want to do this with xw" but that would just be another excuse. It's time to get off my butt and start being the guy I want to be.
I've been a bit absent lately, so time to dig back in and I'll start with my own update.
First, I feel great. I'm happy, I laugh a lot, and I have minimal drama in my life. It's to the extent that friends and family often comment, "you seem so happy now." To which I respond, "I am!"
With regards to the XW, she is a roller coaster of emotion. She's invited me out a few times and I've declined, or been busy. Her reactions have been all over the place. She says the right things at times, but her actions are the same. I've been looking and looking for something different from her, but it hasn't come yet (and may never). She seems so lost, and I believe has started back up with her affair partner. They are both unhappy, broken people, looking for something that will make them happy instead of looking inside...so it makes sense in a way. Easier to fall back into that than actually do the work...
I guess that leads me to a new place. I have accepted the fact that I may never reconcile with XW. Not because she wouldn't, or we couldn't, but because I refuse to go back to a life that resembles anything we once had. It makes me sad, but it is also somewhat freeing. Before, in a way, I felt like I was just biding my time....now, I feel like I can embrace the future without reservations.
I really like who I am now, and who I'm becoming. There is a lot more work to do, but it's a fun journey now instead of a struggle.
