ur, lois, bea - you guys cannot believe how nice it is to hear from you and such wonderful - kind of self-affirming stuff.
i wonder how i "come across" - was hearing ole wayne dyer in middle of last nite - rolling around- trying to sleep with his new "spiel" about (it's "in" at mom4nt - but not bad) how we have to put inside ourselves and our subconscious all the good stuff we'd like to be in our live- to come to our life- and we will attract it - it just becomes part of us- you know, the positive we'd like.
well- then i got thinking about how everyone around me seems to be all totally spilling over with poison - (tho, now that i'm saying this "out loud" to you guys- i thought of the bad things going on in each of their lives -
so, anyway- i WAS GOING to say that i got thinking perhaps , due to h's mlc and my misery about it all - my "fog" last couple yearx- maybe he was rite and i was attracting what i was oozing.
HOWEVER, JUST NOW it occurred to me- h has been watching and interacting & "taking care" of his dying father & aunt - both passed away in last five months or so- (tho he swears it doesn't affect him - one wonders) (of course- in addition to face he's a lying cheating rat - tra la la) BUT --
mom is pissed and mad and frustrated that she's old, going to die someday- not ready- mad to have no real strength or control over things, etc etc etc - lash out city (what else is new with her. been angry since 1969 when my dad died and she was left with fivekids to raise- etc.
my sister is freaking to the max over idea mom will die someday- like, i know it's hard, but either get your butt here and participate - or don't tell me when you're sad and she's gone- or you know, allllll that stuff.
I GET IT that they've got stuff going on also that may make them lash out & blame whoever is closest (like mwd says).
i hate that it's never just one thing or the other thing-
there's always alllllll the background and reasons and legit (maybe) stuff that is taking it's toll here.
you guys make me feel good about me. i always think there are people who are my friends and enjoy my company & seek it out- why do i need to be looking for companionship from those who apparently are sick as hell of my voice &* me. i'm askin ya???
i got thinking about my (maybe) assumptions or expectations in life about people - people i cared about and assumed they cared back. of my mother once saying i "cared too much"???!!! It hurt my feelings quite a bit at the time. i mean, felt it was like saying hey, i do not feel about you like you apparently do about me- do get lost> or grow up or something...
once my h said it too (glomming onto her coat tails probably to hurt my feelings) idk why people get a charge out of feeling superior of they can hurt someone else they want to be inferior-
i never did feel inferior- maybe it pisses them all off that i just don't totally lay down and buy their assessment.
i have to admit it chips away a bit (the mom stuff for 20 yrs) and then, ka bam, stuff is going wrong allover the place and it seems everyone is additing to the pile of negative crappola.
you all have halped me quite alot today- i'm working on brainwashing myself and putting alllll the good junk back into me- that used to be there, i always assumed it would be- i need to reclaim old happygirl self - and get rid of dumpfest girl. as soon as humanly possible.
it is , as usual, amazing to me how much a small kind gesture can mean - can change your day- your outlook - your life almost - just the fact of kindness out there and people spreading it around. like a smile huh? changes someone's face 100% - it's magic - (white magic of course).
so - this girl going forward today- hoping to be changing my own pma by alot- (it's easier when i haven't actually seen any of the dreary pusses- but have spoken to neice #1 - and neice #4 and both were pleasant and uplifting exchanges.
i need to remind self to keep getting in touch with the positive people - and don't let those r fall by the wayside becaue i'm soooo immersed in this bad stuff.
i truly do feel badly for my mom and nazi sis- but don't see really how to help them. honestly they don't even know it about themselves or see it- nazisis even (yesterday) said something sooooooooo exactly what my mother used to say to other sis when she was little and they've had a terrible war going for 30 yrs or so- it's awful-
anyway- i was telling her i did some math on the hourly rates of possible "aides" for my mom- and she was saying "just write it down and i''ll look at it later - when i've got more time"
in bed last nite- i had to laugh out loud (tho it's really very sad) realizing that was THE THING my mother said we all laugh about now- she'd say "write it down, i'll read it later". what an awful thing to say to a chatty little tiny toddler who was exuberatnt and wanted to talk, etc. it was creepy- that poor sister just came along at a wrong time and then was a teenager at the very moment in time my mother was descimated by father's death- not very pretty for her...
anyway- couldja die??? we alllll go around saying we don't want to be negative and awful like mom- and TA DA...
(she's got good qualities- don't get me wrong- but sadly (in her old age) the face she gives her children is the bad one- she cannot seem to actually be nice or supportive or even pleasant- it's "our job" to listen and absorb the dump - sad sad woman) huh??
READ IT AND WEEP girlie (nazisis). i hope to God i can manage to keep a clear head about self as i age and not become negative and complaining and all about me either. fingers crossed.
SOOOOO - a giant thanks to you very special people - i often wonder what a whining jerk i sound like- or if i sound all pompous and full of big fat opinions- who the heck can be totally objective. sometimes i mean to be kind or commiserate i think- then wonder if i'm being all bossy or whatever.. ya know?
you're kind to say im valued here. i feel like you all are my "buddies" in life- it's important as hell to me. i can be lousy i know at keeping tabs on everyone- i'm a hit and run kind of poster- always someone or something nipping at my heels making me get off and go tend to whatever it is.....
have a wonderful days all of you- you've made a difference in my life today- thank you all for your generousity of spirit
