At this point it is so difficult to not have expectations. I think not having expectations can help keep us stay sane; no emotional roller coaster = more sanity and keeps our situations from creeping in to other aspects of our lives. Also, if we have no expectations, I think we are better able to respond in a positive way no matter what our WAS says or does.
Even when I find myself having expectations, I think I do a pretty good job controlling my emotions and reactions in the moment. In that way I don't think my expectations have hurt my situation with w. On the other hand the emotional roller coaster that comes along with expectations has been difficult.
The fact that w canceled does not bother me as much as the lack of communication after. I wonder how long it will be.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I just need to get better at reading my w's signals so I can tell what is working and what is not.
Btw, I have been here before and I have received feedback that I should not try to figure out what my w is thinking; that leads to not being detached. But on the other hand, if I don't try to interpret my w's actions, how can I figure out if what I am doing is working or not?
Mach1 has told me many times, "this isn't a game, but sometimes it plays like one." I think it's a razor thin line, and you seem to be approaching it more as a game. Stop thinking "is this working?" and start thinking "what do I want...right now?" This isn't about manipulating your W into wanting you back.
Originally Posted By: labug
Look at it as having fun with someone you enjoy being with and let it go.
Completely agree with bug on this one and that's basically what I'm trying to say above.
Mach1 has told me many times, "this isn't a game, but sometimes it plays like one." I think it's a razor thin line, and you seem to be approaching it more as a game. Stop thinking "is this working?" and start thinking "what do I want...right now?" This isn't about manipulating your W into wanting you back.
Certainly right now doing what I want or what I feel like doing would be counterproductive. I feel like having a logical conversation with my w explaining to her how we would really be great together and that I have made some great changes and we should give it another go. I am pretty certain that would not work, although I have not tried that approach. While I am always going to be ME (so I will not be deceptive by pretending to be something that I am not), I am going to choose to not do things that don't work. I am defining "doing what works" as things doing things that lead to reconciliation. At some point I hope w is interested in reconciliation and at that point what I want to do and what works I expect will be much more in line.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I agree with doing what works....basically the "cheeseless tunnel" discussion in DB. The difficulty is in breaking down what "works" means. At this point, it's not reconciliation. You are thinking it, but your W probably is thinking of it completely different at this point (see bug's point). So my point is to balance that with no expectations and living in the moment.
If your W says, "I would really like someone to bounce some ideas off of," that may be all that it is. If you are ok with it, then go with it and enjoy it....for what it is.
Reconciliation is definitely not an action, it's not an expectation either, it's a hope; an ultimate goal. But not necessarily at the front of my mind. My expectations are more like if w agrees to have dinner with me I expect w to have dinner with me. Or if were are getting together, I may have some expectations about what the interactions be like. These are difficult to control.
As far as figuring out what works I am thinking about my actions in the moment. How much to touch her, how long to hug goodbye, how to react to things she says or does..
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
As far as figuring out what works I am thinking about my actions in the moment. How much to touch her, how long to hug goodbye, how to react to things she says or does..
I think this is gonna drive you crazy. If you have to think about it, then you're gonna be wooden and fake, and you're gonna be sweating.
Twice now I have put in very short amounts of "dark" time with W (less than a week), and both times she has come out the other end contacting me, joking, positive thinking. I don't think about hugging her or touching her at all, don't worry about reacting, I just be me. With the GALing and such, I'm mostly back to my happy self, and W sees it.
Obviously, I'm not an expert at all - but if you worry about YOU - stop worrying about expectations, stressing whether or not you hugged too long, and so on. If your W is ready, you'll know. If your hands touch accidentally, and she doesn't pull away, then hold it. If she doesn't want it, she'll pull away. If she pulls away, then give her more time.
Just deal in the moment; if you've practiced GAL, PMA, etc, then you'll be cool.
As far as figuring out what works I am thinking about my actions in the moment. How much to touch her, how long to hug goodbye, how to react to things she says or does..
I think this is gonna drive you crazy. If you have to think about it, then you're gonna be wooden and fake, and you're gonna be sweating.
I do think like this and the last two times I have been with her it has worked out pretty well. Maybe it takes some practice. I act naturally but may decide to do a little more or a little less of something (thinking on the margin like an economist)
Update:
She canceled our dinner Friday and then I didn't hear back until today when she asked if I wanted to meet for I drink. I was busy and said I could meet later in the week so we are on for Thursday...
What I need to work on is controlling my worrying about what she was "really" doing on Friday night. I take her at her word that she had to work but I wonder... And I worry about what she did Saturday night too... That's my problem
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
2nd, it is sooooo hard not to think about what they may be doing. Because of my depression I get in obsessive little circles in my mind about AW and what H is doing, so I start imagining things that may not even be happening. Plus it's completely out of my control what he chooses to do.
I have practiced saying STOP over and over until it goes away. Or I imagine the situation as a picture in my head then it breaking up and floating away. It does seem to help my crowded little brain. Maybe you can practice something similar to help you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I follow a lot of other threads and it seems that many others know if their WAS is involved with someone else. At this point I have no clue what my w is doing in her free time. We have no friend or family connections. I haven't asked her what she is doing since March. If we ever come out the other side there will be an entire unknown story that may be revealed and need to be recovered from.
I know there is nothing to be done at this point and I try to not think about these things. It is just difficult.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Maybe you can practice something similar to help you.