Thank you all for your kind messages. This is an incredibly difficult time. I can't believe I'm back in deep grief again. The tears are flowing. However, it's different than before. I'm not shattered. I'm just very sad. It's hard to see my kids hurting again. My youngest was very close to my mom. She was his best friend.
It was so painful watching my dad say goodbye to my mom. They were married almost 50 years. It wasn't always easy, but they stuck by each other knowing that happiness comes from within. They gave me such a gift, one I had hoped to give my own children.
My boys and I will continue to spend a lot of time with my dad. They are learning very important lessons - loving and caring for others, making time for family and, generally, what really matters and what doesn't.
It's so clear to me now why my life changed so dramatically these last few years. Because xh is gone I was able to be fully present for my mom. I am no longer on tilt, worrying about his gambling addiction and feeling resentful because I didn't have his help with the boys or around the house. While I was caring for my mom I truly enjoyed being with her and my dad and just being a daughter. I wasn't worried about the boys or what wasn't being done at home. Ironically, if xh was still at home I would have been and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. So, now I know. Xh leaving was preparing me for what was to come. My shattered heart was mended and I was much better equipped to face the end of my mom's life.
