Living My Life

[littleGTO]

THanks, bug, you are right that I need to slow down a bit. S10 is spending more time w his dad this weekend--I hope this will make a difference in the upcoming week.

I need to journal--tough DBing day for me!

H & I met at S10's soccer game & sat together. I was in an irritable mood (due to ignored texts from cute guy and more recently when I took a walk this morning he was not interested in engaging in a conversation with me--I was annoyed).

Anyway, I pushed H's buttons. First I asked if when the boys were invited to social events during "his" weekend night if he was going to allow them to go...b/c I hoped that he would. (I should have asked calmly "how to do want to handle invites to social events for the boys on the nights you have them?")

He was open to them going with friends on his night but that led to the discussion of him wanting more "overnight" time with them in general so that led into the same disagreement we have about where the boys should be and with whom.

So that led into discussion about "child custody" which then I said, "sounds like we are discussing this like it's going to happen, rather then I possibility." He said when /if this happens we need to agree.

I was definitely provoking him to say he wanted a D. (Not sure WHY!) But he didn't.

He asked where I was going tonight after I told him I had plans. I said "out w a friend"-- intentionally vague. This annoys him every time, which he said. Then he asked why I did this & I said I don't feel like I need/want to share every part of what I do with you anymore. For months and months you've lived your life without sharing it with me."

Then (HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS, MY FRIENDS)... he say "Even if you don't think so, I still care about you and I LOVE YOU." H hasn't said these words since BD!!!! (at least not w/o a I love you but...)

Then we came back to the house and continued to argue...about how much money he pays me and what that may or may not cover...blah, blah, blah... He said he's never not going to care about me and give me the money I need as long as he has it.

In usual style we both calmed down (although today escalated like it has not in a long time), took a breath, apologized, and he hugged me for like a whole minute...A WHOLE MINUTE!! AND, he said I LOVE YOU, again!!!!!!

I did not say it back. I don't know how I feel any more. But, I did cry. Not because of what he said so much but because I am sad that we got to this place that neither of us can seem to find our way back from.

I guess we don't. We go forward. We try to find a new path that may or may not include being a married couple.

I find myself in a new place today... don't want to see cute guy; want to see what happens w H... maybe.

CONFUSED. DOn't see H the same anymore. Don't know if I want to be with this new person. DOn't know what the new me wants.