BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

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here's something about the word "trying" that bothers me. It just seems disingenuous.

I don't believe it is. I, too, had to 'try' to get back into my M, and it took a long time. This was after years of 'trying' to ignore my loneliness, 'trying' to accept that my M wasn't what I wanted or expected, 'trying' to believe that my H cared about me when everything said he didn't. It took years for me to give up on my M, I couldn't jump right back in just because H realized he loved me and wanted to be together; I had to work really hard at it and it wasn't easy, so I chose to TRY.

Ive been dealing with anxiety/panic disorder periodically for over a decade. I travelled very little, always wanted to drive places by myself, never wanted to go far from home. She was always amazing during these times. She drove the kids everywhere, would go to family things without me and make up excuses why I wasnt there, went on trips with friends/family without me because I couldn't go. Although she was fine with this for a very long time she started to build up resentment towards me because of it. She said I could have made more of an effort to do things close to the house. She is right, and I completely understand how this has all caught up with her, shes basically had to take care of most things.

Even though she was amazing during this time, do you understand how hard it must have been for her? For all of those years, she 'tried' to make your M work even though her needs were not being met. (I know, a S cannot meet all of your needs and happiness has to come from within, however, there is a reasonable expectation that your S will meet SOME of your needs and a great deal of them most likely were not being met because of what you were dealing with). I am sure she did not like attending all events alone and making excuses for why you weren't there, etc. The fact that she is 'trying' to make your M work means that there is part of her that isn't ready or willing to give up yet. It took years for your M to disintegrate and she tried to keep it together so please do not be offended that she is 'trying' to put it back together.

I think your right in that she deciding whats going to make her happen in the long run. I'd hazard a guess that that question runs through her mind on a loop.

The happiness loop ran through my head for years. It took a long time for me to decide I needed to move on instead of putting all of my needs aside to remain in a M that wasn't meeting any of them. It also took a long time for me to believe that things could be different enough for them to be met in that same M. The LBS needs to understand how long the WAS took to become a WAS, how hard it was to reach that place and why they find it hard to believe things will be different. The LBS looks for things to be better a lot faster than it will be and they have a hard time understanding why it is so hard for the WAS when they have changed so much. The reality is, it takes almost as long to come back (if not longer) than it did to finally give up and emotionally leave your M.

During our last R convo last a month ago she said we had "too much surface convo". I don't necessary agree with this but I am trying to get a little "deeper" than the surface.

What you must remember is that two people doing the same thing will have two different experiences. You don't agree because it isn't your experience; that doesn't mean it isn't your wife's experience of the same situation.

I've always done a lot around the house. I'm confident its more than the average husband. Many times its more than my W. I know W would agree.

Depending on her LL, your W either finds this nice and she appreciates it (hopefully), or it makes her feel loved. These are two completely different things. My H has always done laundry, cooked, cleaned, stops at the store for me on his way home so I don't have to go, runs out for my 1/2 & 1/2 if I am out in the morning, etc. I APPRECIATE this a lot and I always tell him so. It does NOT make me feel loved in any way; I would trade all of the little things he does for more time with him and more affection.

Big ones for women are usually admiration (sounds like you have been doing that now), physical affection (not sex, just touch- letting her know that you care), and conversation. It sounds to me like conversation is a BIG one for her, and it is what she was getting from the OM since he was so far away. It's also probably why she is complaining about it not being right for her yet (by complaining, I mean she has told you in so many words that she would like this fulfilled differently for her). I would take what she has said at face value and find a way to meet that for her. The best way would be to ask her directly. Perhaps you could say, "I've been thinking a lot about your wanted less "surface" conversation, and wanting deeper conversation. I'd like to do this for you. Could you give me an example of what such a conversation would look like?".

Hopeful gave you great advice. You may think you are doing what W needs and you may be missing the mark so coming right out and asking her lets her know you are trying. I hope you have done this or will do it soon

One of the little things I've noticed about W this year is she's fairly judgmental of others and has distanced herself to a degree with many around her. Even her BF. A bit emotionally cold compared to the way she used to be. Not all the time, it just comes through every now and then. Theres just something that shines through at times of just not being herself.

It is hard trying to figure out your life and what decision to make. I know when I didn't feel differently right away, and each time H would do something that reinforced my belief it couldn't work, I would question everything. I didn't have the same energy for life because thoughts of 'what should I do' 'will this work' 'do I want to stay' occupied almost every minute of day. H told me many times he thought I was depressed, and to some extent I was. Working things out internally changed that and I feel completely different. If your W is struggling with what to do with your M and her life, this would be normal to some extent. I didn't want to be bothered with a lot of stuff because I didn't have the time or patience for it. I only had the time and patience for my friends who 'understood' me and that I could talk to about everything. Being in limbo is no easier for the WAS than it is for the LBS.