hey hi everyone and thanks for the fellow-feeling condolences & notes.
it's wierd for sure- people dying & leaving one's "universe" forever. sad, but i guess honestly- it's something that comes to us all- i'm trying to incorporate the idea & fact of death into my life- i think it's practical and our culture really doesn't have a place for it in our daily existence.
imho.
we just fear it- hate it- fight it- rail against it- etc. well, that's me anyway - well, WAS me anyway-
TIL LAST FEW YEARS- i'm working on it- accepting it like everything else we don't like in life that is JUST THERE (MLC ANYONE???)
i find myself thinking lately that perhaps every single thing i've thought in life about the important people in my life and my r with them (and my life so far in fact ) - might just be alot of my own pma. perhaps i've manufactured it all - in response to what i needed or wanted it to be.
of course- i'm open to the possibility that that is all anyone's life is - what they perceive it to be. i hope so. i'd hate like heck to find out im' nuts so late in the game.
this business of my important r's in life being all in peices allover the floor here - h, mother, sister - IT's not too pleasant to feel like garbage to those you thought mattered most. much as i don't "accept" their assessment of me- i do feel rather like garbage. i don't get how that works- but it does. you begin to question your own self - & worth & so on...
i know, it's a bad road to go down- i'm trying not to- but....
it's a wierd one - thinking that THE most important people you thought you "had" in life are not feeling likewise about you. i'm stuck a bit here - (any wisdome appreciated) about the fact that when people are angry, frustrated, whatever (mlc) they want to looook for alllll the bad about someone else (uh hem - me) and tear them down & destroy them (rather than (as i always thought &) try and look at their good and make an allowance for their bad ).
i used to be good at it - forever. NOW - i find myself unable to understand ENOUGH to put any kind of good face on the fact that these few people i believed cared about me- made a choice to find the worst kinds of things to say- that make you feel like total crap person- and then say them- to my face- to achieve - well, WHAT? make themselves feel good by cutting me to shreds? how does that work again? why would anyone WANT to knowingly make another human being feel like less than nothing. of course, why in particular me? i've "lived to please/serve" pretty much. i know- that sounds soooo doormatish i shudder myself. i thought it was being "nice" and sharing my fortunate-ness in life- to help if i could.
why would anyone even say the words and to someone else- "you're horrible person- daughter" - how do you tell someone you "hate them, everyone hates them? " or their life is "nothing" - they don't count - they "have to" (anything?)
just a few of the gems from my mom, sis & her h. on one hand- i consider the source and anger issues & inarticulate nature of these guys-
on the other hand (AND HERE'S MY PROBLEM) - THEY are people with brains. it was their choice to say what they did- to choose those words to hurt & seek to destroy - wtf???
i didn't tell my sis the 1st time her h really ripped my head off - sneak attack in hospital cafeteria. i thought she'd be shattered to think he would say say awful stuff to me. BOY - DO I LIVE IN dreamworld or what?
she sat next to him without a word when he did it just last week or so- not even a moderating word- she agrees. i am "horrible & awful" to them both.
WHAT gives these people the right to dispense pain to someone else? (btw- he doesn't even know me!!! he was mad because he was inconvenienced. my mother's illness taking up too much of his valuable time. ) that one thing. no kidding- one more hour at her house, instead of me putting in that hour at his demand.
my sister- "hates"me because i didn't answer her texts (which i didn't know was there because i do not use a cell phone - except when i drive alone far away). no kidding... she was inconvenienced because she had wanted immediate info... nothing more nor less
who are these people? on one hand as i say it to you- i see, demanding selfish people who want what they want.
it helps - but not totally. i still sit here wondering down to the roots of my hair if i've been "on the wrong road" in life totally- if every r i HAD was just something in my mind- no basis in fact or reality.
oh well- as i am saying this- i realize what a giant jackA$$ i sound like- wah wah wah- why does everyone hate me.
i guess i cannot make people think or feel what they do not- OR i cannot make them act humanely if they are the kind of people who lose their temper and kill the opponent.
idk what i do with this information or these people in my life who are like this. how did i never know it or how exaggerated it all is with them. it was never directed at me- or something i saw really. it's difficult to incorporate into my life/mentality. i feel too old to begin to revamp my entire approach to life and people - i always liked who i was and how i was.
maybe that's it huh? stop letting others try and tell me who and what to be? (at this late stage of the fame) grow a pair? i am trying that honestly- & have been since mlc - thinking it's not so hot to alwasy defer or be soo moderate. i am a peace lovin person tho. i don't see me embracing this "war" mentality.
perhaps in life that sends a wrong message- no challenge? idk- it's alot of goop isn't it? i don't like fighting- i don't mind standing up for myself more and giving it a whirl- i don't even WANT to begin to go around having fights all the time.
it's soooooo icky & awful. i do not want it in my life and have no intention of "going there" with any of these jerks again - EVER.
HOW THE HECK TO MAKE THAT SO?/???
OH WELL- sorry for rant or quandry or whine-fest - and thanks for listening.
i keep swearing never again- but honestly i do not ever seem to "see it coming". i pick up the phone all "helloooo- and ka bam. some jerk on the other end is ready to kill me.
i am not exaggerating either- it's ery wierd. i get it mom's illness is bringing out the worst in everyone- particularly the time i think we all need to hang together & support each other-
not so much other people.
life in the land of the insane here-
xxoo thank you and drive thru please. i'm gonna go weed- in the garden we all know who the enemy is rite???
