I already started a thread but I'm on moderation right now. Ill repost here just to introduce myself and my situation:
New here and is love any help with my situation. Long story but I hope the background information helps.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for close to 16. We started dating in my senior year of high school an the year after he graduated. We'd planned to attend college together but our parents were concerned about unintended pregnancies and at the last minute sent him to a college 3 hrs away from me. During this time we continued to date and I'd drive down to visit when I could...I stayed faithful but he eventually started seeing someone else. I was devastated when I found out. I suspected something was wrong and drove down to find him living with another girl who became pregnant.Id visited the apt several times and didn't suspect. According to him, their relationship was rocky. I broke things off immediately but was sucked back in when he called and said shed left him. I drove down the same day to comfort and be there for him and we picked right up where we left off. About a month and a half later I was pregnant too.. His oldest son was born full term in March and due to our daughter being premature (stressful pregnancy) she was born a week later. (Sounds so bad written out- sigh) ...fast forward, he and the girl did not get back together and she took his son moved on and allows him no contact...I on the other hand married him when our daughter was 1 yr old...
When things were good, they were really good and when bad- just down right horrible. I suspected multiple affairs however I never had enough to "prove" anything until we'd been married about 5 years. A friend of his from high school and he had a PA that I suspected because she was a little too nice. -let him drive her car -started hanging out in his office late at night -finally confirmed with a written note from her to him I was angry. I threatened to leave. I didn't. We said we'd get counseling but never did. I wanted to believe everything would be okay because I loved him and by that time we had another daughter, I was an on again off again student, and we both worked low wage jobs trying to support our family. We lived with his parents for a year before they payed for a six month apt lease for us, then we moved to his fathers rental home. Financial issues plagued the marriage as he didn't finish college and neither had I at the time. Eventually i found a job that supported us an thought things would be better. It was around this time that in addition to this extramarital affair, my husband admitted to being addicted to powder cocaine. I thought maybe the money was going to the now ex OW, strippers, or something. I was shocked to find out I was powder cocaine but i blamec the past affair on bad decisions because of the drugs. Luckily, my job had good insurance that paid for a 30 day stay at a substance abuse clinic and my husband came home. i stood by him as he did the 90 meetings/90 days and continued steps necessary for recovery. I thought if he was sober, things would be better. I continued in my job but my husband struggled with seeing me as the breadwinning spouse- he very much needs to feel like the "man" in the relationship. We had another daughter...now 3 kid, shaky finances, substance recovery for him, opening and closure of a small computer networking business he started later Hubby lands "the job of his dreams" as a network administrator for a real estate company. It is now 2 years into hubby's recovery and on the outside all is well. He is supporting the family, I started going back to college, we move into a nice home and buy 2 cars...To me, we'd made it. I found out i was pregnant again w/ our youngest child. It was a difficult pregnancy. I was never interested in sex as i was sick all the time. I was also tired due to having the older kids at home. Around this time, my husbands great job started to send him out of town to their satellite locations i other cities.
That is where five almost six years ago my husband met this most recent OW. they got to know one another as he would often have to make trips from Houston to Dallas to set up a new computer network for the company. This OW got pregnant however I did not find out until maybe 3 months after the child was born. I can only guess that my husband felt guilty and left a hint for me to find out and confront him- he left a picture of her holding the baby on his phone home screen. I cried, I was devastated again. I didn't threaten to leave this time as i was 1 month shy of completing my Bachelors degree with 4 children and no job- and I loved him. He assured me that the affair had long ended and he was unsure if the child was his. I accompanied him to take the paternity test and of course he was the father...despite the child, hubby and OW had rarely any contact until child was almost 3. The OW would occasionally contact me to deliver pics of child to hubby. Eventually I told her I didn't need or want to be the middle man and suggested she email pics of child directly to hubby. For a while, this worked and everything stayed about the child. Our whole family went to visit the child on her B Day so she could know her siblings...video chat w/ the hubby, kids, and the child were conducted in the living room w/ me present. I think things started to change this past year - family style video chats ended and personal Skype and phone video started about 6 months ago -he started working more and being emotionally distant 3-4 months ago -stopped responding to ILYs -stopped being interested in my day -has a home office and will stay in there until 2 and 3 in the morning -my husband travels for work on the weekends which now coincides with when she posts to FB that she will see her "baby." -confirmed ea/pa via email and messenger on FB where he talks of learning things on the Internet that will "revolutionize their sex life." -he calls her his "babygirl" and even had a pic of her pop up when she calls his phone. Meanwhile, he switched my contact from wifey to my first name when I suspected previously and threatened divorce. -I told his mother and he tried to explain everything away. We'd had problems in the past due to this OW but my hubby painted a picture of my just being hyperviligent and suspicious for his past actions. He says to me, her, and everyone that he wants nothing to do with this girl. I showed his mother the proof and she believes me but he became so angry that he has asked me not to contact his family. His mom is acting distant too. -He won't confirm or deny the affair and doesn't have to for me. He keeps saying I don't know what's going on and since 8/25 stayed angry with me for snooping and getting the information. He was spewing all sorts if nastiness that is not typical for us ...blaming me for "never listening" and using curse words when talking to me "u don't know what the #%\% is going on." -when I found out I went into his email he was so angry he stopped ML for a couple of weeks and barely spoke to me. It was excruciatingly painful as prior to the last several months we were close I thought physically and emotionally. - -he refuses to go to counseling now and is only making small changes to make himself look good. *comes in from home office around 10/11pm *has ceased hateful speech and cursing *tells me where he is going although I think he is lying. -either he is the dumbest husband ever or he wants to be confronted-at this point he is leaving things easily accessible for me to find. Maybe he thinks ill throw a fit and leave. He seems to not be able to say he wants out...he leaves tickets to the River Walk in SanAntonio out when he was supposed to be in a different city. - I just found a business bank card in her name with a combination of their initials as the business name. The ATM receipt which was left on the ironing board says he just made a deposit yesterday. I knew of the existence of an account which he says he was depositing child support into but not a business account. Yesterday's deposit was $800.00
I dont know what to do as none of our marital issues has ever really been addressed. We would just sweep things under the rug and keep going. I want this marriage to work although logically i know it may not. I am the only person trying to heal. He is not remorseful has not apologized, etc
-I've been lurking so I kind of understand about GAL and 180s ... - I read the blurb on ML to spouse if u feel it is right, may bring you closer, and don't feel used afterwards...but it seems as if hubby is only interested in sex "just sex" and providing money for household expenses "no cuddling or other affection.
I went twice to counseling without him because he wont go. My therapist want to spend sessions of me writing down every bad thing he had ever done an have me read it to an empty chair to move me "from shock and denial" to "anger so you won't take anymore of his bullshit" - didn't sound pro marriage...
As I write this, I am just realizing that hubby may be hiding small assets or trying to. -large deposits into OW and his account -came in from out of town and purchased a second vehicle for 1000- put 700 dollar rims on it :-(
Is it time to see a lawyer?...my head is spinning- is this fear or sensibility ruling?
