Boy, just being dark from W for a little less than a week has been so clarifying and constructive. I have no idea what it's doing for W, but it's helping me a LOT. I can only imagine what a couple of months will do!
Some things I have noticed this past week: 1. My friends (close and casual) have recognized my GALing and 180s. That feels good. I'm doing it for ME, but sometimes you doubt yourself, and it's good confirmation to know that it's working.
2. GALing is becoming much easier - I'm enjoying working out, I have family coming up this weekend, went out last night, have Monday Night Football at a friends house scheduled, S10's football season is going strong. I am enjoying getting into cooking again, trying new recipes, etc, have been getting stuff fixed around the house that I've been meaning to do for weeks.
3. My relationship with God has been horrible the past few months but it has re-surged in awesome ways. Regardless what happens with W - that will NOT be the case ever again.
4. What a short time-span it has been since my first post; less than a month right now, but feels like a year! Patience.
5. On Tuesday, Fly wrote me a good note challenging me to quit being so wishy washy, and I spent a good bit of time thinking about it, and it has renewed my resolve. I was sort of disgusted by how I was pandering, and I would imagine it wouldn't be attractive to W either. Also, I say W is confused, but my actions have been confusing as well. I feel much better about the future and who I want to be.
My only tough spot now is my step-kids. I have raised them for over 3 years, they call me Dad (even when W tried to get them not to for awhile).
It's got to be difficult, but take the long-term position that maybe you'll be rejoined with them some day. Yet another old thread bumped up today updated with a reconciliation some 3 years after the trouble started. I think too many of us want to throw in the towel too soon (me included!)
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So, my going dark is going to force W to actually have full responsibility for the kids with very little option for a break, ever.
Reality always catches up with WAS's eventually!
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Would it be breaking the "dark" to call D10 directly and have her ask W if they can come over?
Be really careful with that, your W will interpret it as you going behind her back and it's likely to make her angry and cut off what little contact you're allowed now.
Bleah, D13 had her Instagram up (the picture thing from Facebook, I guess) and she and W are "friends" or whatever on it, and a new picture of W popped up, and I thought my heart would explode.
She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Dang it! I was feeling awesome! I'm glad I still think she's beautiful though!
So I did reach out to D10 about breakfast - my parents are coming to visit and wanted to see the kids. I just made sure to tell her to ask W if it was OK, and she had to get permission from W first.
It was sad - this was like 3:45pm, and D10 couldn't ask because W was in bed sleeping, and we had both just picked up our kids. One of the issues we had prior to separation was W would sleep sometimes 14-16 hours a day; mostly caused by depression, but she started taking medication that helped a little, cut back to like 9-11/day. Apparently it isn't helping any more. It's also interesting that after being separated since 6/10, all of her problems haven't suddenly disappeared. Good to know!
Is it weird to feel bad for your WAS? My W - she's so lost... She is now in her own, no family nearby, has walked away from all her friends, "single" mom now when I used to take care of, can't get full time work, very little money, now up to eyeballs in debt.
Sure, its her stupid choices, but still... She's only been in new place 2 weeks, and already back to sleeping a lot. (depression)
Makes me sad... But I know I'm a "fixer", probably part of the reason we're in this mess. Sigh.
I don't think it's weird at all. I find myself looking at my H feeling sorry for that he is so lost and looking for love in all the wrong places. I want to show H that I can stick by him during even the toughest of times (even when he couldn't do that for me).
I touched his hand today and said are you okay? you look sad. and he immediately snapped to attention, like he was in the fog, and said no just tired. It is sad to see someone you love so confused and making bad choices.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
So I did text W today - I was down to 2 days to file a response on grounds, and couldn't get any response from her; just asked about the paperwork. She finally responded and said she was supposed to get it Monday and would get me a copy.
I feel better - I hate having legal crap hanging over me.
Bleah, messed up tonight. W started sending me pictures of my step-kids at a local comic book convention, and then started telling me about her day, and she got to meet Norman Reedus who plays Daryl on the tv show Walking Dead (kind of her movie guy crush).
Real chatty, and we joked a bunch via text. Then I asked her when she was bringing the updated paperwork over, and we started talking about R. She said she still meant everything she had said, but "felt" like the dissolution was the right choice. I kind of got mad and said, "You can't even say for sure!"
Then I told her that it was the dumbest thing ever to file divorce when there were so many things we agreed on - being in love, having a good time together, being best friends; and divorce was only because she was worried we'd argue again.
Bleah. A good positive exchange where she went out of her way to tell me about her day, and joke with me, and then self-sabotage. I have got to do this dark thing, come on man! Someone hit me with a 2x4 - although it may take a REAL one.
Sounds like you just gave yourself a 2x4. In the moment emotional control is extremely difficult, but you're gonna have to get it down. I personally think that it is the single most important thing that a lbs has to learn. You will get more chances with this one. Texting should be the easiest place to get this down. Read every text three times before pressing send... breathe and THINK. One thing that will slow you down in every interaction is to always consider what the affect of saying the opposite of what you feel like saying would be. Many times you will realize that if you in fact said the opposite of what you feel like saying the reaction you get would be much more favorable. If you can't bring yourself to saying the opposite then keep your mouth shut .. Or don't send the text.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
