Hi Everyone It's been a while.....I've been working and trying to focus on my financials (they're in!), getting my mortgage, my boys, friends, GALing.....it's been busy. I've been stopping in once in a while to see how everyone is and hope you're all doing well.
I've been finding myself more and more resigned to the fact H is not coming home and that MAYBE I don't want him to. It's almost 6 months since he moved out and I haven't died and things are chugging along. I miss him but more who he was and not who had become in the last few years. We were so young when we got together, only my second boyfriend, I find myself wondering if there maybe is a better match for me and that this could be a gift and not a disaster. These are the kind of thoughts I'm having. I'm conflicted with them. I want my marriage but I don't.....does that make sense??
Some of the interactions in the last couple of weeks Two weeks ago, Monday am, I get a text H "We need to talk and sort a few things about my belongings and furniture in the house" M "I'm not available this week" (really I wasn't.....15 hour days all week-it was crazy!) H "OK so when is a good time for you?" M"I'll let you know" H "There are things we need to sort out sooner than later. You cannot continue to ignore the situation" M "Dont take my response time as an indication of my intent. Seeing as you are absent, to comment on my time is beyond your scope. When I have time to deal with your needs I will contact you"
No response. He did pick up the boys for pizza the next night and I did have another box of his stuff ready to go. Stayed up until 12 to pack it for him. S14 commented on H's lack of funds saying if you still had the Honda instead of the truck you'd have more money till the end of the month. H responded NO the truck is more fun. S14 responded with money is fun too (I was shocked when S14 told me...I even confirmed the story with S18)
My grandmother passed away that wednesday and H did send me a text offering his condolences and I did thank him.
This past Tuesday H asked about picking up his tools. I said that the tools were communal property and that he had taken quite a few already and I needed some to maintain the house that we would need to split them. He got angry saying he was going to leave the house stuff and take the tools only but if I wanted to start splitting everything that was fine. I told him there was no need to get defensive I simply need tools for the house and we should have a tool splitting day. He said how many tools do I need to hang pictures. I didn't respond and then he said he'd put together a box of basic tools for me to which I said "sounds great"
This past wednesday I got a letter in the mail saying the school cheque, S14, bounced. I burst into tears. He's so crazy with the money. I ended up actually phoning him and having a 40 min "discussion" about EVERYTHING (he was all over the place) he kept saying he had no money...I responded that that was too bad but our kids come first and that he needs to find ways to fix it even if that means going to the school and making arrangements that S14 is just as much of his child as mine. He kept saying I'm stalling on the house/divorce to which I responded our children's home is not his lottery win and that seeing as I have never once commented on his time (I don't call you and say you only go to work and do whatever you want you go to the school meeting) he was not in a position to comment on my time seeing as I am the one home doing EVERYTHING. He accused me of being a victim and that nothing has changed for me (that statement caught me off guard.....I think he was secretly hoping to see me fail or crumble or something) anyway I said of course it hasn't I'm the one here with the kids, you left, the kids need as much normalcy as possible and since I'm the one here I am giving it to them. Couple of times I told him I would not block the divorce. Even went so far as to say "you want a divorce no problem. best decision ever. as long as the boys are top priority" He then brought up me asking if he had a girlfriend (in JUNE!) to his sister accusing me interrogating S14 to which I said this is what happened and repeated the scene. I then said "if you have a girlfriend-great" he interrupted saying he doesn't and got very defensive and I asked if I could finish "if you have a girlfriend-great. you don't have a girlfriend-great. as long as your first concern is the boys" He kept talking about getting an apartment because the boys need a second home. I said they have a home they need a dad who spends time with them. I told him I was happy for him, when he mentioned he was getting a place, and that I hoped he was happy. I also had to remind him he didn't have to love me, like me or ever want to see me but that I was the mother of his children and currently the only person taking care of them and he need to respect that and a "thanks for being their mom" was in order. He did ask me point blank about my intentions and I said I would not stop anything. If he wanted a divorce I would give him one but that these things take time. I also did manage to convey his boys were angry with him and that S14 was in a state of crisis and needed him. I must have gotten through as he made plans with him Thursday. I did tell S14 to tell his dad he wasn't feeling well so he'd call him the next day. H called at 9am to ask if S14 was home. I said I had sent him to school and he could more than likely go but we'd know more after school. H said he wasn't feeling well either and if S couldn't go it was ok and he didn't have money. I said go to the school and throw the ball with the dog! He then said he could always see him Sunday or Monday but he had a funeral on Saturday. I asked who, a man he used to work with.....died alone in his apartment of a heart attack no one knew for 2 days.....I said that was awful and he seemed to brush it off. Basically, a very normal conversation and then I said I was getting rid of H's dresser in our room did he want it? He said he didn't think he did (during our conversation the day before he had no furniture but ok) and then quickly got off the phone. I think I touched nerve. H called at 2 to ask if S14 was home I said no school's not out until 2:40 and he would not be home until between 3-3:30 (like I had said in the conversation earlier in the day!) I left for a delivery and to S14 to call me once he knew what he was doing with his dad. H called, I missed the call, so he texted me the "plan" to share a pizza have him home by 6. I told him I was cooking dinner so if S14 was still hungry not too worry about feeding him full dinner and then told him to have a good night. Hour later another phone call from H asking if S14 could go to the amusement park Sunday, as he has plans with his cousins Saturday, I said it shouldn't be a problem and we kept it short and hung up.
WOW I think I wrote this as journaling as well as venting. 4 phone calls in one day! It's quiet today but that's good......peace is good.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
