So I gave her the birthday card. I wished her a happy birthday. She said I didn't have to. I told her I've been doing it for 13 years, I wasn't about to change. Despite my best efforts and against everything I've been told, I started to cry. She told me I needed to stop. Guess I blew it
Dragon - what situation precipitated you giving her the card in person? Did you call to meet her?
Would it have been possible to drop it in the mail?
We both work at the same place, in the same department. I see her most every work day. Mail was not really an option because she has never "officially" given me her address. I was also practicing "actions speak louder than words." I thought it was too easy for her to ignore something mailed or just left for her at work.
He's had a girlfriend for years who would like nothing more than to get married, but he's made it clear he is not willing to risk the pain again.
That's a really selfish attitude. Does he care nothing about her needs and desires? He should have DB'd his last M, then he'd be more confident that he could succeed in his next M. He should let her go so she can fulfill her dreams.
Quote:
I also don't buy into the whole "more fish in the sea." I already fished that sea and caught my trophy fish.
LBS's tend to put their WAS on a pedestal. They tend to think (for a while) that the WAS is the perfect spouse, there could never be a replacement for them. Eventually you'll come out of your fog and see her for what she is- just one of many, many women in this world.
Quote:
Much like my colleague, I never knew it was possible to feel this much pain.
So you have incentive to actually WORK at your next marriage instead of letting it run on autopilot.
Quote:
Who would willingly subject themselves to it again?
You can be in a great marriage without being codependent. That is the difference. Through DB'ing you can become strong, independent and self-sustaining again. All the things you were before you got married and that you lost in marriage. Next time don't lose yourself.
Sorry, Dragon, I went back a little further and found that you worked together. I know its hard - believe me - and hindsight is 20/20, but even leaving the card on her chair would have been better.
When you hand it, and break down, you force her to put up her walls of guilt/shame/anger, etc. Obviously, it's too tough for you to control your emotions, so keeping yourself out of the situation is better. Hey, take a deep breath, step back - think it through more carefully next time.
More WAW script. She called me Friday evening (she has called fewer than half a dozen times since moving out). She wanted to know if I was all right. She wondered where I disappeared to. Then she started talking about our relationship with far less of an edge than in the past. She still raised the same reasons for going our separate ways, but did not sound confident. I empathized and validated, every once in a while suggesting there might be another perspective or explanation to things. My coach talked about asking questions and sharing the occasional observation. She cried some. After about twenty minutes, she said she didn't want to talk about it any more, but maybe she would call me again this weekend. Don't believe anything right?
I know she's depressed. She does have IC, for what little it's done in the last nine months. She has justified moving out and even filing as her IC told her to do it. (Again, don't believe what she says right?)
My xh's ic told him he needed to file so that he could figure out his life and I'd be free to move on, although a year ago he told him to keep me in his life in some way because I'm good for him, in that I know who he really is and he can trust me.
In their defense, ic's only work with that one person and only hear their perspective. And if they say the person is unhappy and depressed, but maybe it's not because of their marriage, they'd probably lose a client.
As I gain my equilibrium, I could have held on to the roller-coaster for many more months, but I feel like her filing has put on expiration date on the ride. Depending on the terms, it might only be 2-3 months.
I thought I'd be done too when the d was final, but my feelings didn't change just because the court stamped a document. I am now free to move on, but I feel that God wants me to keep standing while I work on myself. So that's what I'm going to do until I feel I'm directed to do differently.
But that doesn't mean I keep talking about our R or our old M. I live my life and am there as a friend when he needs me. He's on a journey that he needs to complete and I don't want to get in the way.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Saturday she emailed me that she wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be visiting me at the house. (I was only expecting her to call.) Sunday (today) she says she's coming over. She gets to the house and spends some time with the cat. She starts talking about work. How she finally shared all her work concerns with our boss. How he seemed to already know what was concerning her. (She felt validated.) Once or twice she shared things I am not suppose to know and then said with venom, if I told anyone she would know it came from me. (She has done this off and on for months, but I am not a gossip. I have never shared confidential information. I am not sure why she thinks that I am.) Later she suggested I was going around telling people she's crazy. (I'm not and I told her that, not exactly DB/DR I know.) She feels perfectly justified in her attitude. Overall, I kept things light and upbeat. She smiled and even seemed her old self once or twice. Then she said she didn't feel like talking about us and promptly left. If past behavior is a guide, she has done this when she wanted to tell me something unpleasant. I hope it's just inappropriate mind reading on my part.
I know she's depressed. She does have IC, for what little it's done in the last nine months. She has justified moving out and even filing as her IC told her to do it. (Again, don't believe what she says right?)
My xh's ic told him he needed to file so that he could figure out his life and I'd be free to move on, although a year ago he told him to keep me in his life in some way because I'm good for him, in that I know who he really is and he can trust me.
In their defense, ic's only work with that one person and only hear their perspective. And if they say the person is unhappy and depressed, but maybe it's not because of their marriage, they'd probably lose a client.
My IC told me that they are trained not to sacrifice the relationship to help the individual unless there is something serious like physical abuse. That said, it seems IC is used to justify all sorts of selfish actions.
While a IC only hears one perspective, their training should make them fully aware there are two sides to everything. I know my IC is always open to meeting individually with my wife to hear her list of grievances for the benefit of my therapy (while careful not to counsel her.) I have never been asked to meet hers individually or together.
Originally Posted By: sweetbabyred
As I gain my equilibrium, I could have held on to the roller-coaster for many more months, but I feel like her filing has put on expiration date on the ride. Depending on the terms, it might only be 2-3 months.
I thought I'd be done too when the d was final, but my feelings didn't change just because the court stamped a document. I am now free to move on, but I feel that God wants me to keep standing while I work on myself. So that's what I'm going to do until I feel I'm directed to do differently.
But that doesn't mean I keep talking about our R or our old M. I live my life and am there as a friend when he needs me. He's on a journey that he needs to complete and I don't want to get in the way.
I know I won't feel different should D day come, but I also know I want and need companionship in my life. After what will be more than a year, I will stop saving myself for the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
