Very sorry to hear of the loss of your father and mother, that's a lot of heartache to deal with in the span of less than a year, plus BD!! My heart goes out to you!
First, read Sandi2's 37 Rules and really learn them and stick to them. You're breaking a lot of those rules right now and it's hurting your chances of a future reconciliation.
Second, the things your W is doing right now regarding reaching out to you and then pushing you away is totally normal behavior for a WAS. You have got to quit reacting to it. When she goes up and down you stick to the baseline. She's on a roller coaster, but you can choose to stay off of it.
Third, read DR, work on the one thing you can control- YOU. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. Give her LOTS of time and space.
Fourth, I would discontinue seeing the MC together. It never helps with a WAS, and often it just makes things worse. MC is great if she expresses interest in trying to work on things, but that will be way down the road.
Fifth, be patient! This is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes many months and often years to get to the point of reconciling.
Sixth, don't focus on your W's affair. OM is a symptom of your marital problems, not the cause of it. Don't snoop, don't try to contact him, don't ask your W about him, just leave it alone. You already know she's in an A, there's nothing more to be learned from it.
Originally Posted By: dingo
We began seeing a counselor individually and as a couple.
Don't go as a couple anymore, but it's OK to go individually.
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The bottom line is that I feel there is still a lot of love there and am really at a loss as to what I should be doing. I do feel like she gets overwhelmed with some of the affection and attention I have been giving her but because the lack of attention is what supposedly drove her away in the first place, I am not sure the 180 is the right move.
After BD I too laid a lot of affection and attention on my W. I "fixed" every personal issue she said I had. We seemed to be getting along better than ever, and it seemed like she was really trying to make the M work. But every time our M came up in MC she always said the exact same thing- "I just don't want to try". Despite appearances, she was totally done. She was still planning her exit strategy. And she did leave. I've read similar sitches many times on these forums. Do not underestimate how "done" your W is. Stick to DB'ing. Quit pursuing her. Give her time and space.
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Of course now, the situation is reversed in that I desperately want to start a family and she is on the fence.
Drop it and don't bring it up again. That's pressure, and pressure is the LAST thing she wants right now. Likewise do not ever initiate a discussion of the M or R with her.
DB'ing is all about working on yourself. Read the first few chapters and try to come up with a list of things you've done wrong in the M and figure out how to do 180's on those things. Good luck!
