When amicable makes you want to scream

[Underdog]

Muse,

I think your horse analogy is absolutely perfect. Be as patient with him as you are with your four legged friends.

Bug is absolutely, 100% correct that you don't want that old R with him. It's what drove him to leave. The new you is going to be patient and understanding. Sounds like you're already like this with your D, so why not him?

but the step by step of solution oriented results has evaded me

LOL, I totally understand!

I don't know if this is your kind of thing, but I'm typically an uber organized person. I like the mechanics of "IF THIS, THEN THAT". I often find that although I don't see the answers while I'm going through things, I can see them clearly when reading them later.

Laurie (my DB coach) had me keep a solutions journal. I would keep track of what I did and any reactions (my XH and my girls), neutral, negative or positive. THEN things became crystal clear to me. It became so helpful, because then I could clearly see how much my backslides cost me. If you want to know measurements, it typically cost me 2 weeks to regain the ground that I lost by screwing up and reverting to my previous behaviors. Oh yeah, my #1 behavior in screwing up was to call him up and ream him for whatever pissed me off. Which was pretty much everything. I laid the guilt on, and then we had a Mexican standoff for the 2 weeks. I hated losing that time and momentum, and I most hated that I was reinforcing to him his belief that I would never change.

It didn't mean that he didn't need to change too. But your H and my XH were the ones that left, so that means they are going to be the most critical of the entire process.

MAKE THE MOST OUT OF EVERY INTERACTION YOU HAVE.

Once I committed myself to eliminating those backsliding behaviors, I gained ground quickly. And it became easier to do. It helped me in my other Rs as well, especially at work. Because I became much better at listening to what others told me, I stopped trying to prove I was right. (Besides, that's exhausting. As well as boring. Who wants to be with someone who's always right?)

You might think this is funny, but I had to DB my D19 this summer. Our R has changed since she left home, and I was lamenting it. One of my pals down in surviving reminded me that I had the skills to get us out of that pattern. Who'd have thunk? And why didn't I think of that first? Once I did, she worked on her end, and we're back to being close.

So these skills translate well to every R you have. They're good for you. Just like broccoli.

BTW, if he doesn't remember the movies on Sunday, zip the lip! This is your 180, right? Don't punish him. Remember the horse.

Go you!

Betsey