Today I am feeling down but trying to keep my head up the best I can.
My wife’s best friend is guy whom she has known for over 15 years. It just so happens that he has the exact same name as OM. My wife made a comment two days ago saying that it’s ironic and funny how both her best friends have the same name and how I use to tell her that I don’t want another [insert name here] in her life and now I do. I told her that I didn’t find it funny at all. She told me that she thought it was just funny and asked me why I didn’t. I told her that I don’t think it is funny when OM will lead to a divorce, property separation and the destruction of our family. She responded by saying that we are not getting a divorce. I told her that OM was a deal breaker for me and left it at that. For the rest of the evening she was distant and later told me that she is not going to break off the “friendship” with OM. That he is the one constant in her life and if I didn’t like it that I should just get a divorce now because she isn’t going to stop talking to him. I told her that I want to make our marriage work but I was not going to share her heart with OM. She then made a comment that if I am going to get a divorce then what’s the point of her going to counseling. I found that a little odd as the counseling sessions are for her to work on her family issues/past and not the marriage.
The next day she was sort of distant with me in the morning but later that afternoon acted as if the conversation never took place. In retrospective, I wish I would have kept my mouth shut as she probably took it as me trying to be controlling. Later that evening we had a nice conversation about things that are going on in her job, etc. I’m glad that she is opening up more to me about things that are going on in her life.
That said, I’m really struggling with all this. I was doing better and felt like I wasn’t as depress prior to her making that statement about OM. Since then I’ve been a real mess, crying in the car when driving by myself, having a hard time focusing at school and work, etc. I wish I could just get away from everything for a couple of days. Being near her is tough sometimes. We are now sleeping on the same bed and she is letting me hold her at night. But then she will make remarks such as ,”why are you on my bed?” I normally will respond by telling her that I will go sleep somewhere else and then she will tell me to stay. We got some bicycles so we are now going bike reading in the evenings a couple of times a week now as a family. Overall, I feel like I am getting some many mixed messages. She hasn’t gone “walking” with this guy in over a month but keeps telling me that she needs to go walking. Her counselor actually told her that walking and journaling will help her out (I doubt she told counselor she goes walking with OM). I’m sure she will probably start this up again but who knows.
Overall, I feel like I am getting mixed signals from my W. I am so confused about what my actions should or shouldn’t be. I wish I can just go dark so I can work on really detaching. I am seeing some positive signs from her but at the same time she has made it clear that she is not breaking the relationship with OM. I was doing a lot better before she made that comment about OM and best friend having the same name – that just knocked down whatever self-esteem I had built up. There are some days that I just want to call it quits. I’ve been so depress these last two days. I feel like I am so busy with doing the household chores, school, work, DBing, spending time with daughter that I am just going to collapse. I honestly just want to quit school. I have another counseling session next week but I am considering getting a DB coach on top of that. $$$ is tight at the moment but at this point I could use all the help and coaching I can get. 2013 feels like the worst year of my life.
