Really need your help

[formyfamily]

So last night, as soon as H came through the door, I left telling him I had errands to take care of... I had to get out and breath a little cause this is so hard, because things are starting to happen a little too fast for me, and I am not sure if I am going to be able to handle it. so I looked in my e-mail and this is what was sent to me (my thoughts in brackets):


***It has taken me so long to speak with you from my heart because it breaks mine to tell you how I feel. I never thought that we would have this day and when I said "I do"; I saw us getting old together. I try and use some of theories or thoughts of our therapists when trying to figure out what happened or why I feel that I do but in the end, I think they are all full of bullshit. (I hardly think that 4 sessions is trying, one session with the first, and 3 with the next)



The truth is that everyday I blame myself for not getting us to speak more and to get out what we each need to love each other. I know I have failed you in many respects when it comes to this. But as the days and months went by, and the silence continued, I went from sad that you did not want to love me, to touch me, or to talk to me, to mad that you thought the way I was living did not consider our family or our children(he always leave one month in the spring and one in the fall and lots of weekends during the year- true my coping mechanism was not the best, but I felt alone- he feels that I should only miss him and be happy when he comes back - I did not feel a part of his second career- and its not because I do not love him). I felt so stupid for years that you hated what I did or did not enjoy being around me and my passions. Anyways, now I just am sad that I could not get back to you with love. I really tried although maybe you would never believe me. My admiration about how beautiful and incredible for you has never faltered. I guess I just felt we went in different directions and we got off on different bus stops.



I know that most people do not go through all of things that we have gone through over the years. I know that most people have not "kept it together" when faced with all of our challenges and I am proud that we helped each other through all those things. I will always have love for you for how you helped my family through the difficult times and of course for delivering and raising two incredible little girls. I always hope that after all of our hurt and anger, we will be able to come together when it comes to taking care of our kids.



I think you know that I have done so much soul searching (soul searching by himself- i was not included )the last 9 months to know that I am not making a huge mistake for letting you go. Maybe I will look back at this email one day and wonder what I did. But I have to live in the present and know that it is time for me to go. My soul knows it is time for truth; even truth that hurts and it tells me that it is time to leave you. ****

(i feel like i need to respond before our talk tonight)- oh and he send me information on how to talk to the girls...

I really need some advice before the talk tonight. He will most likely have the convo with the girls this weekend..