To little Too late

[2little2late]

This was our dialogue after our email to each other.

For whatever reason I don’t feel that you have been honest with me about your feelings for me and our marriage. I feel like I am the only one that is voicing my feelings about our situation. You must admit you checked out also, a long time ago. Just sticking with a marriage to protect our child is not realistic either and I think you were resigned to do that. The way you treat our daughter like she is your world, I wish you had done that for me. You did in the beginning but honestly, do you feel you did that for the last five years? I know you have supported me, listened to me, been here for me, but did you really want to hang out with me? Do things with me? I am sorry you don’t remember this but I did ask you one night if “I rocked your world” and you said “No, no I didn’t.”
And even though I should feel grateful for you always telling me I was beautiful, it wasn’t enough. I don’t know how to describe or make you understand, but I never FELT loved. They were just words. And the more time went and less time we connected on the weekends, the more I filled up my world with stuff. (Commissions, boards, PTA etc…) So to you, you feel like I was pushing you away and I guess at some point I did but it was only after I felt I was not really a factor in your life.

You said in your text, that you never thought you could like me just as friends….seriously? We have a 15 year history together, a child together. This is where I don’t believe the “grey” in you. And I worry that you will not be able to have that relationship with me. I know it is unfair for me to hope you will be any which way, I know I have hurt you. We have hurt each other. But I hope we can figure out the best situation for all of us, but most importantly Our daughter.


That is what I wrote many weeks ago before I read the book. And I never could finish it. I would keep coming back to it. It was like I just couldn’t clarify what I wanted to say, was worried about saying it and was confused about all the feelings I was having also. Now that you read the book perhaps you have figured out that my love language is quality of time. The one thing you can’t give me. And I have learned that I require a lot of it. If you think back to the times when we were happiest in our marriage, it was when we were spending a bunch of time together, at least it was for me. I am also troubled that I can’t figure out what your love language is. So, I know I never showed it to you. And that makes me very sad. I don’t think you ever felt true love from me. How could you when I don’t know what it is? I think maybe words of affirmation?

There are of course other factors at play here. Our debt being paramount. I know you ultimately wanted a life with us, but because of the debt you could not. I wish that we had read the book together years ago. I think we would have made some different choices.
I am truly sorry for my part in all of this. I never wanted to hurt you. You are very important to me and I really care for you. I just want us to be happy and I am trying to take the steps to do that.

-Me