wife hardends heart-4

[planet]

Thanks Pudmuddle.

I'm not too upset over this. Perhaps it's for the better.

[planet]

I need help in detaching right this moment.
W invited sister's bf and OM to her house. I usually visit my kids around this time after work. I also have dinner there on weekdays.
This cannot be good for me as i cannot really spend time with my kids with them around.
I really do not have a choice as i cannot always take them out on school nights. I don't have money right now to get my own place.
Now tomorrow is my kids school concert. MIL and FIL aren't going. I really do have a bad feeling W will invite OM.
They are really rubbing it in.
What should i do?
I want to let go completely.

[adinva]

Hold your head up and command your place. Go to the concert and rehearse in your mind a cool but civil hello if you have to bump into them, like James Bond cool, and plan to move on away from them. Strike up conversations with other people there, whether you know them or not, and be upbeat and look happy. Enjoy the kids and the music. Then come back and vent if it was hard or uncomfortable. You can do it. Don't cower from them even if you want to (I don't know if you do, but I would). Let the world have its own opinion of them and mind your own business for the night; let them wonder what you're thinking and let them be the ones to squirm, not you. OK?

[JayMan]

Absolutely agree. I remember pretty much faking it when XW1 was coming to something with OM. I forget the occasion but it was for the kids; I put on my best jeans and a new shirt, got my haircut, wore some expensive cologne, and put an awesome grin on my face.

I even practiced some jokes - "fake it 'til you make it". It ended up being an awesome night, my kids were so happy, and I started to really detach at that point.

[planet]

The concert was in the morning. I picked up W and the kids very early so that the girls could prepare themselves. On our way there, D4 asked W why did she like her father and W just kept quiet. I can tell my kids enjoy both their parents together.
It was an hour before the concert starts and W went M.I.A. I spent the hour looking at old photos in the camera. Most of it were taken months before BD. W looked happy then. I was happy then.
After the concert, we had lunch. I took them home and bathe D3. It was fun. They will be taking their nap soon while I'm sitting in the front porch contemplating my future.
I do miss them very much. I miss my home. I hope W 'wakes up' soon. I'm very tired.
I have to let go of her and the memories are holding me back. She's a different person now. I want to be happy again.

[planet]

I was playing with my kids last night before I found out that D4 did not finish her homework. I asked D4 to complete it it but she refused. I didn't want to pressure her but I asked again in longer intervals. Each and every time she refused. Finally, she said she wanted her mom to supervise and I thought it was just an excuse. W hasn't return from work yet.
I played with them a little longer and I asked again. This time D4 shot 'You are not my Father'. Broke my heart into thousand pieces. I asked her why she felt this way and picked her up for a big hug. I reminded her that I am her father. She replied she loved her and I returned the same many times over.
D4 used to love to do her homework with me and required little persuasion. I don't know what's gotten into her. This is not the first time she refused to do her homework.

[T1000]

That must have been hard planet. Showing her you are her father with love is the main thing and you did that.


S4 has been a little like this in regards to not doing what he is told. Especially brushing teeth and washing hands etc.

It is difficult because you don't know what is going on while your not there, you are missing pieces of the puzzle.
I don't know how much W is getting him to do. She is the sort of person to let him off with it if it makes life easier every now and again.

As a parent I can't let him off and at the same time I can't punish him too harshly if it's something his mother lets him do.

I decided quite recently that the kids will have certain rules while with me that will be followed through whether W does it or not. They play up from time to time but having a stable routine is important now more than ever.

If he doesn't brush his teeth he doesn't get his android tablet to play with before bed and so on.

[planet]

It's hard managing kids. I wanted some form of discipline in my kids.
Not being with them all the time makes it harder to instill my values into them.

Those words have shocked me into my very core. Bothered me the whole day.
I really don't know what to make of it.
Am I pressuring her too much?

[T1000]

How would you have handled this if you were not in this sitch?

[planet]

Well it's the first time she said it.

I wouldn't even check her school work but if I knew I would have insisted that she do it immediately. No fun and games. School work first.
I guess I would have told her not to speak to me in such manner. I guess I would not give any hugs and would just brush it off.
I know it's pretty bad the way I was.

I'm leaving the old me behind. Entering a new life, a better father.