hold on man- i can hear your frustration in your voice- THAT CRAPPOLA - ALL OF IT- THAT'S THE DBING... imho - swallowing alllllll of it- til you personally have a better life in place- have a better "plan" if you will (even if it's a financial plan) - a "plan" in the sense of a different life to go to when you leave this one. my slant is all about YOU- TAKE CARE OF NUMBER ONE- LIKE THEY'RE DOING... HAVE DONE...
really take the final leap and chance and walk the hell out only when YOU HAVE WHAT YOU WANT IN THE WINGS WAITING FOR YOU- YOU BEGIN TO BUILD "THAT". a life, a job, a man, whatever "that" is for you. the thing that is "better" - maybe i'm sounding very darn self-serving here. maybe walking out and being alone is better than what you've got- i'm not so sure about that- you know me and the financial worries thing.
SO- ONE OF MY FALLBACK "PLANS" - IF i'm toooo lonely for words and need to get out. i do not want to hang around bars- i have a very morbid fear of alcoholism and drink (dead sister- violent ex h) - get a part time job at lowes or home depot at nites - meet everyone in the world passing thru the checkout- why not??? it's not "beneath" me. or it could be a bookstore- but that might be harder since less around- or none... or the local all night food store- why not??? i'm askin ya? i have no image in life- so not a bother who sees me or thinks whatever. i just do not care about that.
maybe i do not love this guy anymore- maybe it's "habit" and so on. idk dawn- honestly. linda says get him in a clinch and give sex a whirl. had him in my arms one nite- didn't want him- no interest AT ALL in kissing his face or touching him. wtf is that????? when i just left him at the airport- i didn't even want to look at his face. every single time he walks out that door- it's "leaving me" and that is that. i can't get past this- he hugged me tight and said he had a good time- all i could muster is "i'm glad". i didn't even say i did too (and it was very nice to travel and have a relatively "Normal" companion for a change) - i didn't want to look into his eyes- i don't think he realizes i feel what i do- how detached from him i feel - and how "too little - too late" i feel at a moment like that.
inside i was thinking- YOU BIG JERK- WHEN YOU WALK OUT OF THIS CAR- YOU WALK OUT OF MY LIFE. your f'ing choice - NOTHING neutral or OKAY OR GOOD ABOUT IT- YOUR CHOICE TO GO HAVE SOMEONE "BETTER" IN A LIFE THAT IS "BETTER" - GO F YOURSELF. TA da - inside my brain this is. i'm getting very excellent at this stfu stuff- question is? how badly and vastly does it change your insides to have to do this with someone you loved and thought loved you????
does that make sense??? this is what i've kind of come to here- myself. i may not be walking out- but my "heart" feels less ripped open at the moment- i'm feeling and getting (and i'm sorry to say it) empty feeling lately. just left him at the airport- felt rather "quiet and unwilling" to communicate in car- just not "feelin" "it" with him. i don't have the old desire to chat or share or feel stuff for him. his trip - don't give one f about it. his feelings - same; his life - same. he just acts like the world is all normal -
In the car he even was resting his hand on my knee - even has been more like "normal affectionate somewhat" past week or so- know what????? doesn't seem to touch me.
something inside is just withering away before my very eyes. it does not seem within my power to "fix" anything here.
i can exist and continue the ride - and NOT SAY ANYTHING. MY BIGGEST exertion - not just saying scram.
no kidding- BUT i think to cover our own butts(hearts) totally- we're suppose to be just riding along.
i view it as very threatening that your H is admitting he'll hold $$$ over your head.
i swear- i feel so sorry your h is so willing to "share" his mean feelings and crappola- today i'm having that insight listening to you. i can't imagine hearing this "S" over and over and over. no wonder you're at your wits end. poor you- i will shut the heck up about wishing my h would talk- maybe i'm lucky he hasn't. the few rotten things he's said in the past few years - in beginning "fight" stage- i still remember- they used to cut so badly- now i think - well, you know- fu buddy. i hope i'm not "ruined" forever in the trust or love dept. ya have to wonder if the changes in us are just self-defense and reversable.... fingers crossed
it will be good to meet up when you come on down-
i'm going to tidy like mad- maybe even get the garden more decent- it's all quite a mess around here - wild jumble of "stuff" - in my house, in my garden, in my life, in my head and certainly my family. i'm so sick of everything & everyone. i don't like being alone so much- but i can't stand almost everyone- nice huh?????.
i just feel that given the fact i don't like living alone really- (i do okay- i just don't prefer it) - 1 week out of 4 is pitiful but still more than nothing. he IS some sort of wierd security blanket and i know it - even tho realistically- he's just not here (for me) most of the time. it's allllll his life and him.
your H too- can you merely view him as a sort of WALLPAPER to your life??? IF HE CAN MERELY exist in your space and be something that will pay your bills and be in the background as long as you need him for a rock- CAN YOU TURN THE TABLES HERE- get the heck out of the house- job, volunteer, whatever it takes to get around people more and more??
i got a call from school and couldn't do it- since baby here- BUT WAS MIGHTY glad to know i'm at the top end of her list (only second week of school- so not many out and she called ME ) woo hoo.
it makes me remember how key this is to my mental well being at this moment in time. the knowledge that i CAN GET OUT and am worthwhile to them - useful for something other than my faimly's toerag
i think i have something to "give" in this job. it's dopey and presumptuous of me i'm sure- however, i feel it. i can think of a kid and now or then when you dispense some "good news" to some incorrigable little rat- and see the pleasure when they get to hear someone saying something like - you've got alot of personality- use it for "good" luke- resist the dark side.
they get it- it's very small stuff , but it's something worth note, however tiny. i totally can be the purveyor of good news in life- to almost anyone. people need it- i need it for goodness sake.
oh well- sorry for rant. i'm sorry to hearing you so despondent- and i'd be bummed too-
i feel the same way- no matter what sort of good time we have- he leaves and goes "to her". which is how it all feels. i know he can't be with her 24-7 - but somehow he's made me feel this way.
like my stupid sister (that used to be my fav. and good friend - who now HATES ME!!! AND GLAD SHE SAID IT! - wtf is going on with HER???) anyway- this H, who used to be my fav and said back when i discovered what he REALLY WAS " i don't love you & never will- we don't have a future - i will never marry you or anyone- " - it all just sits there in back of my mind.
they both have screwed up their R with me soooo badly- i can't fix any of that- how they feel- they can figure it all out and they can just figure out how to fix it with me- or it will never be fizxed. i'm worn out and done here.
so- is that good dbing??? you and I both have truly embraced the whole "you didn't break it- you can't fix it" thing.
THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN JOURNEYS- I can't believe your h even says that- i do believe - but find it so hard that he flips and flops saying both that he can't do without you and can't see a future with you.
i should probably be thankful my h doesn't talk about feelings- he has said things so amazingly stupid and childish and simplistic- i swear- it makes me wonder how such a bright man can be such an emotional embryo - he cannot realize for one second i think how much he should bebegging me to stay and even know him.
oh well- exhaustion setting in and it's only 8:55 am - pretty outside so i'm heading to garden a bit- to attic, to cellar (pins for a craft show my other sister is doing- something to sell) an so on. lots to do and even feeling enthusiastic- so see- improvement.
OUR LIVES WILL GO ON_ WE WILL GO ON- I'M EVEN HOPEFUL (tho doubtful) that we'll learn to trust ANYONE (for me) again- not too sure about too soon on that- hence our need to have these dopey guys around keeping us afloat while we gain more momentum- and find our feet- our jobs- our lives - our NEW LIVES
I AM A HOMEBODY- homeproviding woman- BUT I'M A HELL OF ALOT MORE ALSO- now you are too- we need to get the heck out of the house and find the rest of us - (the additional dimensions to our lives we've just ignored or not needed really- for so long. now we do need it-= we do need more people- and no body is going to deliver!!!
you and i , my dear , need to get out butts out there in the universe and find our own new circles of connections and so on.
that being said- i'm out to garden and find the darn pins- i promised. then go lug my mother out of her bed - see what the heck is up with her today-
and get on with it- you can do it- you already feel the detachment - NOW capture your mercenary side- USE HIM BACK- USE HIM FOR THAT "ROCK" YOU NEED (EVEN IF FINANCIAL) TIL YOU EITHER REALIZE YOU ACTUALLY DO STILL FEEL LOVE FOR HIM- YOU ACTUALLY DO NOT..... we're still standing so we've got 'SOMETHING" GOING ON-
YOU DON't even need to know what it is today- just plunge forward taking care of dawn today- put him out of your mind.
the more we rehash it in our heads - the more it controls us and makes us miserable-
