I have been lurking here for a few weeks now, and have read The Divorce Remedy and familiarized myself with most of the acronyms used on the site, and with some of the methods used when confronted with a WAS/MLC.
I am 52, my wife is 49 and very attractive. She has aged gracefully, and I think she is lovely. And I have told her so frequently. I love her without limit. My kids are S16 and D14. They are wonderful and brilliant to me.
I work from home, and my wife works downtown. She makes almost twice as much as me, but I am in the house all the time for the kids, and I make breakfast, pack lunches and cook a gourmet meal six nights a week.
My 19 year marriage has largely been a happy one, until five months ago, when my wife dropped the bomb on me. We have always been the sort of couple who gets along well,enjoys being together etc. We can spend two hours talking non-stop on one of our regular Saturday morning walks.
It was during one of these walks that she told me she was "done" that she wanted out of the marriage, that she had rented an apartment, and hired a lawyer. I reacted without anger and for a couple hours we discussed the reasons for her decision.
There were three issues. First, I had been losing my temper with the children too often, particularly with my S16, who has a rather severe case of ADD/inattentive and who struggles to keep up in school. He tests in the 99 percentile on standardized tests, and attended a magnet school for exceptionally gifted children in middle school, but due to his ADD he is always behind on homework and he earns mostly C's in school.
The second issue is that I have a strong personality, and my wife feels that I am too controlling of her, and of the kids.
Third, we have occasionally argued in front of other adults at dinner parties (briefly - and without creating a scene). She is embarrassed by these incidents, and blames me for them.
I mention these issues because I believe that while serious, I don't believe they are issues one ends a 19 year marriage over.
She told me that she had not loved me for about six years, and had been faking it ever since. That when she told me she loved me in the past, that she hadn't meant it, and that the sex we'd had for years was without meaning for her. Since we have always had what I felt was a rather good sex-life (twice a week or more for 19 years), I found this difficult to accept as true. I'm not so distant, or so stupid, that I believe that she could (or would) bother to be faking orgasms for six years.
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But, I told her then and there, that I would stop the things that bothered her to the best of my abilities and I begged her to give me three to six months to prove myself, to remake myself, to begin our relationship anew.
After a few weeks of thinking, she decided that she had to move out. I believe she felt she'd made a decision, and wanted to follow through with it. To be true to herself.
I told her that since I was the problem, I should be the one to move out. That she should be with the kids. She refused. Said that she needed to get out of the house and to find out who she was. That she felt she'd been living under me for so long, she didn't know who she was anymore. She said that she never felt that the house was hers anyway, and that it was really my house.
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Then an odd thing happened. She moved in to her apartment, and we began dating each other regularly.
It was wonderful.
We went to new places, restaurants, and both developed an interest in our city's professional soccer team. We continued love-making regularly, and I felt that I might have dodged this D bullet. We were really in love again. We were holding hands, saying ILY and both of us meaning it. Felt like kids again.
We went merrily along this path for almost 3 months, when suddenly, she told me she no longer wanted to date me, or to have sex with me, or to see me regularly.
We continued the Saturday morning walks, and to see each other for an occasional beer together, but nothing more.
It was at this point that I discovered DB'ing, and have stopped the pursuit completely. I have gone mostly Dim, and see her only when she approaches me. This is usually during kid hand-offs, but our D14 plays on a soccer team so we see each other for one or two games per weekend. I made a point to sit apart last weekend. Not sure if that was a mistake.
She is always happy to see me, and always touches me. She is a very sunny person, and continues to stand near me, sometimes brushing me with her shoulders, touching my arm, occasionally brushing my arm with her breast. This is driving me nuts, as you can imagine. She knows she is doing this, and says she is aware she is a very touchy-feely person. She talks with her hands and frequently makes physical contact to make a point.
She has told me several times in the past month that she does not think she will ever move back, that I will be fine, etc. She honestly believes that, "the kids will be fine". She thinks we will both find someone new and that we will be fine. She has no freaking idea of the reality that lies in store for her.
She says her friends all say that she is happier now, and she seems to be gauging her own happiness by what others are telling her. This seems odd to me.
She is in denial about the the financial disaster that awaits us (it's already started as we have been financing her $1200 rent with our retirement income). No idea that her future Prince Charming will come with kids, and ex-wife, in-laws, and baggage - if he even comes at all. More likely she will date older men who will annoy her for the same reasons I did.
She has a group of 10-12 new friends from work that she socializes with. I have only ever met one of them. They are all younger than her, and either divorced, recently broken up, or gay. One of them is a Lesbian with two children from two previous marriages. The mind reels. They go out to happy-hours together, and to book club meetings, She hosted four dinner parties at her new apartment this Summer.
She says she doesn't miss me at all.
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Today, I found that she has filed for divorce. But she has not yet told me. (Yes, I snooped. No, I am not sorry. I am glad for once to know something before she drops another bomb. I have had an afternoon to recover and prepere myself mentally.)
I have not spoken to her, though naturally I have huge urges to break all of the DB'ing rules. To exhibit my anger, hurt, humiliation, love, etc. But instead, I am typing my story into this computer, and readying it for launch into the immortal internet.
I have several questions:
Things were going great back when we were still in the post move-out dating phase. (Her love language is Quality time and Words of Affirmation.) Now that I have gone Dim, I worry that she does not feel loved, which is making it easier for her to leave me. I believe she subconsciously understood this - and that is why she broke off the dating phase.
Now, should I simply let this divorce filing run it's course, or are some sort of drastic measures in order? Should I 180 and start pursuing?
Does this sound like a WAS situation, or is she having an MLC? Or both?
How dark should I get? Should I still go on Saturday morning walks and coffee after?
I would appreciate any suggestions, or observations.
Thank all you so much for providing this BB and to Michelle for starting it all up.
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
