chicken or egg?

[etc]

Well, I finally hit 99 posts under my original thread, so I figured it was time to start a new one.

The original can be found here:
any hope?

If you read the last post on my old thread you can get a pretty good sense of where we're at. In a nutshell my W wants to proceed with filing and has no real hope for any future together even with all the grief this has caused for our family and children. The three month trial S period has lapsed and her mind hasn't changed one iota.

I've explained to her that I'm not going to fight D, but I'm still interested in trying to get our M and family back on track. Of course, she's not thrilled with my approach b/c she thinks I'm turning her into the villain. My response is that I'm just being true to who I am and what I believe, but I honor her freedom to get out of the M if that's what she truly wants.

So, we'll see where she takes it next. If I know my W, she will proceed with her intentions. When she wants something, she gets it, but I've also often seen her regret her decisions later on, so who knows how everything will actually end up.

So, I title this new thread "chicken or egg?" as I reflect on how we got to the point where we are now. It seems that MLC kicked in for my W after we started getting more and more emotionally distant from each other. We started treating each other more as chores than people. At that point I was so immersed in my own world of projects that my W felt alone and I was too dense to pick up on her depression to try to help pick her up. It was only a matter of time that someone else would take interest in her and so someone from back in the day figured out a way to sweep her off her feet and now she's been different ever since, steeped in an A.

We used to be best friends, but now she sees something new that she believes is better than anything we ever had together, so her prerogative is to become a new person she felt she never could be with me. She's pursuing something new (and possibly better?) at any cost. I've been focusing on being dim, GALing, PMA and though she's curious at times, ultimately she has no real desire to reconnect with me.

My IC thinks I'm doing a fabulous job with everything. I have a few confidants that are very encouraging with how I've handled everything. Other than focusing on ME, there's really nothing I can do to change my W's perspective about things. Though I'm often tempted, I've given up on trying for my own sanity. She sees me as an obstacle to her freedom and though I feel that I would love to work toward more emotional closeness, I've chosen to give her space and not initiate any contact with her unless it has to do with our kids or finances.

So, this leaves me asking... What came first, our emotional distance or her desire to leave our M? Has her wanting to leave the M created additional emotional distance? In me being dim, am I just furthering her cause? I only ask b/c I'm at a point where I'm going to re-read DR, come up with a real plan for MY life and see what needs to be tweaked in my approach to all of this.

Thanks for reading!

ETC

[ForeverYoung]

First of all, if she's convinced her new buddy is the answer, nothing you do or say will stop her. But it is possible to push her towards him. You already know this.

^^^ Because of this, I don't believe your being dim "furthered her cause". You did that mostly for you, and judging by what I'm reading here, it worked. You sound really solid.

Which came first, the e-distance or her desire to leave? I can't say for your W, but I know for my W it went like this:

She started to distance herself from me, and I noticed right away. After several weeks, she told me she didn't understand what she was feeling. After 3 months, she decided she wanted to run away / end the M. So the distance clearly came before the idea that she wanted out. Proof to me that MLC is not about us or the M. At least not entirely. Bust On!

[wishing, hoping]

Same here. H started distancing himself from me about 6 months prior to BD. I personally think the distancing comes first.

WH

[etc]

Well, as I suspected, W already got ahold of a mediator to get the D rolling. She wants me to meet up for a consultation. Do I drag my feet, try to persuade her against D or just pony up for the ride? I take it options 1 & 2 will get us nowhere. My W wants out. Do others have suggestions regarding mediated D versus just having her file with me getting my own L? Ugh.

ETC

[chasingpavements]

So sorry to hear etc. I am dealing with the same thing right now. My H wants to work on the separation on our own however I have contacted a lawyer, as I feel that is in my own best interest and I am worried about everything being split fairly and having enough money to support my family. I do not know the answer to your question of using a mediator vs using a lawyer. I guess it is your own personal preference. With a mediator I imagine you would be sitting down and negotiating with your W a lot more. If you would rather handle things on your own without much discussion with your W, than perhaps a lawyer is more suited for you. What are your main concerns? Do you feel you need a lawyer to protect your own interests?

I am not sure at this point that you can persuade her against D as she is already in contact with a mediator. For sure I would let her know that D is not what you want but that you are willing to work with her if it's what she wants. I am in Canada, not sure where you are located, but here the D isn't finalized until at least one year after the separation, so there is still time that things could change in the meantime.

Take care,
-cp

[etc]

Thanks for the support CP. I hope you're doing OK with your sitch. W and I have been corresponding. At this point, I'm encouraging her to go the mediated route. I'm concerned about getting lawyers involved at this point b/c my W is acting very civil and basically just wants out. She's committed to fairness, so this is where we're headed and I'm not going to fight it.

ETC

[etc]

lots of back and forth messaging today. W wants out. I slipped quite a bit today and got into reasoning mode. She's convinced we're just a mismatched pair and nothing has changed for her. Of course, my reasoning doesn't change a thing. I need to go along with this and let go. I quickly felt my PMA slip away the more I reasoned. I can't cling to anything and need to go back to taking care of myself.

The one good thing is we ended our messaging on a positive note that we're both committed to being kind to each other during the whole D process. So, let the D-train begin. Another new chapter!

I now need to go back to dim and GALing for my own well-being. It's so easy to get sucked into long discussions that ultimately don't change anything. When they want out, there's no changing their minds with words.

ETC

[etc]

OK, well, this is interesting. Since we've cleared the air that we're going forward with D and we've both agreed to be kind to each other throughout the process, we're now getting along like friends. We actually interacted as friends more today than we have in the past 3 mos. W seems much more at ease with me. So, now that the pressure is off and she knows that she's getting what she wants, it's like she's more open to a friendship. Is this ironic or what? Should I be trying to grow the friendship or become more dim? I feel like I can be friendly with her and still detached if that makes sense. Is this a good place to be? I feel like it's a sort of win-win at this point.

ETC

[MrBond]

"So, now that the pressure is off and she knows that she's getting what she wants, it's like she's more open to a friendship. Is this ironic or what?"

No. It's what's supposed to happen. If you still want to save your M, I would suggest you ramp up the GAL. And when you're around her brag about it and just be genuinely happy. As if you just had a weight taken off of you. I wouldn't be surprised if you found someone else, that she starts getting a little jealous. But do it slowly and one step at a time. Show no signs of pursuit.

[etc]

Thank you MrBond. Your advice is like gold to me. I'll be getting some exciting stuff lined up for GAL and won't fight the D process from this point forward.

ETC