Me- LBS or WAS?

[ForeverYoung]

(BUt, I still will not settle for being Plan B b/c OW isn't working out for him right now!)

Of course not! No settling allowed. When the time comes, you make it clear what you expect in any new relationship with H. Either he steps up to the plate and scores or he doesn't. Personally, I think he will... eventually, and then you guys can work on building a real Marriage.

Isn't that what you came to this board to do?

I don't know how to be happy w/o him and I don't really think I can ever be happy w him again. Where does that leave me...? I don't know.

I'll echo Spartans question a few posts back in different words.

Why are you not happy now? Why are you waiting on H or cute OM to make you happy?

[BrightFuture]

AS, thanks for answering my question. Your stories are about WAW, so it doesn’t apply in my case. I agree with you about the 2-year mark though, I’ve come to the same conclusion after reading lots of old posts here. And, regarding the WAW, it seems to me that LBS men tend to start dating earlier compared to LBS women, so it explains the interests from the WAWs in all your examples. I know, the general consensus on this board is not to date others while you are standing for your M and hoping to R with your spouse. But, I think that there is some merit to the opinion that “if you have another woman friend or another man friend, it’s easier to get your husband, lover, girlfriend or wife back” (this is from Stop Your Divorce e-book.)

GTO, how have you been doing lately?

[littleGTO]

AS- Well, if the 2 year timeline is any kind of indicator...2 years ago this fall is when H starting checking out. By Christmas he was already emotionally involved with OW. By Valentine's Day he was "in love" with her.

FY- Why am I not happy? Well, I actually am getting there. I don't have H. And, cute guy is someone who I think needs to be in my life right now, but not to be the source of my happiness (although I do like hanging out with him).

BF- I am doing okay.

Was at a ball game with H yesterday and he said to me he thinks I'm ready to move on, but that fear of losing time with my boys is holding me back. He may be right that I don't want to "rock the boat" where the boys are concerned.

I said I wasn't sure about his perception of why I haven't "pushed things forward" but that part of it was that part of me wanted/wants to believe that despite everything that has happened that he and I were just meant to be together. He said he thought about that too. But, we also agreed neither of us knew if that true any more.

So, in the mean time...I continue to hang out w cute guy on occasion, I am going out w friends, and I am swamped with new job and boys' new schedules! Life is busy..good busy!

[AnotherStander]

And, regarding the WAW, it seems to me that LBS men tend to start dating earlier compared to LBS women, so it explains the interests from the WAWs in all your examples.

That's an interesting observation. You may be right, but of course we need to warn anyone reading this that they shouldn't date just as a "trick" to make the WAS change their mind. I think if an LBS were to run out and start dating a couple of weeks or months after BD it would just drive the WAS farther away. The WAS needs a LOT of time to clear the fog and start having fond memories of the LBS before they might look back. I still think that detachment, time and space is what works for the WAS. I think that quite often the LBS thinks they've detached when they are in fact still pursuing. Someone here once said they were boldly telling everyone on these forums that they had dropped the rope while secretly clinging to it behind their back, LOL! I think there's a lot of that happening with LBS's, and the WAS is just never going to look back as long as they see that rope in the LBS's hand.

When LBS's do eventually come to believe that the WAS is done and never coming back, that is usually when they really drop the rope. And they don't do it with any fanfare, often they don't even know they did it. They just quit caring what the WAS is thinking, feeling or doing. They don't reach out to them anymore. They don't have fantasies about a future reconciliation. They don't make excuses to text, call or visit them. They move on. A lot of them start dating at this time. So I guess the question is does the WAS look back because the LBS is dating, or are they looking back because the LBS has moved on and the dating is just a byproduct of that moving on? Maybe it's a little of both.

Turtle, you posted this in my thread:

Am struggling with the whole ideo of dating...my H says to me on Friday at ball game "Hope you aren't considering dating....if you were we'd have to be getting D'ed!" The nerve, I thought!!

No kidding, that is some kind of nerve!!! He left the M for OW, but now suddenly he's going to develop some sense of duty-bound honor in marriage because it suits him to do so? I actually thought about this for hours after I read it and still couldn't believe the arrogance of such a statement. SMH!

[Pudmuddle]

It's crazy how they suddenly develop a sense of what is right and what is wrong.

On a similar subject, I was texting one night to my mother and my H observed me texting, not knowing it was my mother. He seemed to be staring at me as if I was doing something wrong. I made no mention of what I was doing. Then he went downstairs. A few minutes later he came back up and said, like it was out of the blue, "so how is your mom doing". I thought well how did he know,...then I realized he had gone downstairs and checked out our cell numbers online to see who I was texting. (This is what I had done to discover his PA - I no longer do this because it is just not right).

Also the other night, I mentioned I wouldn't be going to our kickboxing class, of which he and I both do, because I had some things to do. He got quiet and asked later if it was because I had to work. I said no, I just have some things to do. I was actually taking some me time and running some errands and going to talk with my son about school stuff. But he kept poking around to try and find out what I was doing, like he thought I was going to go out and see someone.

So I just let him wonder. Curious, ain't it?

[labug]

GTO, what was your H's demeanor when he made the statement about dating, cause I read it in a very different way.

But I don't know your H.

[BrightFuture]

AS, I agree with everything you wrote regarding detaching. This is why I’m careful to not declare being done and dropping the rope, since one day I feel I like it, but next day I could feel different. I’m also curious if dropping the rope actually can happen at all. I see some posters to return on this board after 7-10 years post D, when their WASs start showing some interest, and I always wonder what is actually going through the head of an LBS in case like this.

GTO, I had the same question as Bug about your H’s comment about dating. The words you posted on AS’s tread sound different from you posted here.

[littleGTO]

bug & BF- H's demeanor about dating/divorce comment...I would say it was calm, matter-of-fact, but definitely with a tone of don't-you-dare-cross-lines-I've-not-crossed!

(H has had this long-time EA w co-worker...basically they talked intimately/sexted & had an on-going, daily R in which they've talked about "everything" for the past 2 years.)

But, it has not been a PA...he said when he moved out that he would "most likely date her" but that he would "live like a M man." He did not date her or see her outside work and b/c the EA never turned to a PA he somehow feels that these are the boundaries of commitment I should also be following..even now, after being S for 10 1/2 months.

I am in a very different place now. I do feel detached. AS, your definition of this is where I am. I do not think or fantasize about H & I reconciling. I do not think or wonder about what he is doing or who he is talking to any more. I do not long to call him or text him at all. His calls do not affect me emotionally. R talks, although few & far between, are far more easy to recover from. My fear is not in losing him anymore...it is losing my role as a full-time mom/ less time with my boys.

I am starting to wonder (I may have already said this) if a D needs to happen for there to be a possibility for us in the future. I HAVE moved on. I HAVE a new life w/o H.

I am not ruling out the possibility of H and I being together in the future,... but more and more I feel like I need to live my own life to find happiness w/o him. If I achieve this (and I do at times, but I mean in general I feel happy or content MOST of the time) then I feel I will have arrived.

I know...life is a journey, not a destination! But, I want to enjoy the journey and the R's with the people who I "travel" on this journey with! Glad you all are on the trip with me at this point!

[Positivespin]

"my fear is not in losing him anymore...it is losing my role as a full time mom/ less time with my boys"

I feel EXACTLY the same way right now. I'm kind of upset that I'm missing a portion of my only child's only childhood. She is off in her own selfishness but D3.5 has to be with her for less then 50% of it.

I was talking with my c tonight and I told her that it's amazing looking back to the beginning of my second journal- all those events that seemed so monumental at the time - just seem so blah blah blah now.

Nights of crying, shaking in shock, hyperventilating - she did that to me. The cuts are so deep that right now ......it's just kinda getting a little old.

It's like spring has sprung in my head right now. I love my wife but I don't need my wife. It's time to stop wasting days, weeks, months and time to live for us...

I've come a hell of a long way in nine months.....if the fog lasts for 2years like many suggest, at my current trajectory I'll be a pretty good catch - I hope she is fishing

You've stopped being a doormat - I like it....you go girl!!!