In and out of fog city

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I just need to get better at reading my w's signals so I can tell what is working and what is not.

Btw, I have been here before and I have received feedback that I should not try to figure out what my w is thinking; that leads to not being detached. But on the other hand, if I don't try to interpret my w's actions, how can I figure out if what I am doing is working or not?

[JayMan]

2nd - do you really trust W's signals right now?

How many times have you read on here where a WAS will come back all sorrowful and want to be married, then change three days later?

It's happened to me twice in the last two weeks!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I don't trust the signals, but I am going for small steps and I need to base my decisions on something.

Going from living apart to getting back together is a HUGE step. There is a ton of pressure there. What if you could take that pressure away and just go for smaller steps? Do something fun ... just the two of you. But don't pursue. If your w seems to be coming around talks about restoring the M but needs time to think. Instead of "going dark" while she thinks, suggest doing something fun together and put relationship talk on hold... This is just where I am at now. I may change my thinking on this.

[Pudmuddle]

2nd, maybe this other way of thinking will help.

Part of detaching is not figuring out what they are doing. Nothing will make sense. Detaching means letting go of her behaviors and doing what is right for you and your end goal in all of this. End goal not meaning how my spouse thinks and feels right now, but YOU believing in marriage and what it means to you.

I don't always believe in the going dark theory either. I kind of like putting the issues aside for a while and then focusing on creating love. Like you said, do nice things. But things that have meaning to build the connection. Because you can't fix problems when there is no core connection. Then creating the small things to build up, at first may seem like manipulation to the spouse, but if it becomes a habit for you, then it is you and the good you have become.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Ok. So I am going a bit against the grain here, but I text w: in town tonight?

She responded after a few hours: in SF what about tomorrow night?

So it looks like I am gonna have w over to the house for dinner Friday night. We'll see how it goes.

[Pudmuddle]

Creating experiences. Awesome.

Good luck and have no expectations, just a fun time.

[JayMan]

Going against the grain is OK - sometimes, you can stick a toe out a little as long as you have zero expectations and are prepared for flat rejection.

So have dinner, have stuff to talk about - shoot, if W brings up R talk, say, "Hey, let's just enjoy dinner tonight." Maybe if YOU set her at ease, it'll open things up? Just a thought.

[labug]

The problem with trying to read other people's signals is we're usually wrong. We interpret their signals based on what's in our heads, not what's in theirs.

If you want to ask her out, ask her out but have no expectation. Look at it as having fun with someone you enjoy being with and let it go.

[Pudmuddle]

Each person is different, every sitch/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

W's boss made her work late last night, so dinner was a no go. If you have been following my threads, you know that w's job is a problem. She is looking for a new job.