wife hardends heart-4

[MrBond]

"Why would i want to help her 'punish' the rest of my family. I don't want to be her accomplice so i refuse to take the fruits home."

I don't get it. How is that "punishing" your family? She wanted to do something nice. You don't have to do it, but don't think it's punishing them. Deep down she could feel sorry even if she doesn't show it to you.

"I validated MIL's feelings and at the same time had to bite my own tongue. "

Why? You're not together any more, you should have told her things from your point of view. But let's be very clear. You weren't the best H in the world. So don't start talking as if you were a saint.

[planet]

I don't get it. How is that "punishing" your family? She wanted to do something nice. You don't have to do it, but don't think it's punishing them. Deep down she could feel sorry even if she doesn't show it to you.

I bought some cakes for my kids and W's parents in line with an upcoming traditional festival. W wanted to return the gesture last night but specifically mentions only giving it to my father. How do I take the fruits home and just give it to dad and how would that make my mom feels? I don't think its nice of W to do just that.

Why? You're not together any more, you should have told her things from your point of view.

I had a hard time telling her things from my perspective. Threading a very fine line without sounding vindictive. MIL have had a torrid time dealing with her own MIL. W's paternal grandma literally spew 'venom' at MIL. I have heard the stories from W and i think this had effected W very deeply as a young kid. W thinks my mom and sis has some conspiracy to get rid of her. MIL and W even came out with an idea that they hated W because W wouldn't want to be a christian! I know my parents and sis have been praying for us and bore no ill will.

But let's be very clear. You weren't the best H in the world. So don't start talking as if you were a saint.

I own up to my mistakes. I have never denied them. I don't even deny my parent's mistakes. I have stated this very clearly to MIL but she just goes on and on.

[MrBond]

Then don't get involved. You still haven't learned to walk that fine line yet. What else have you been doing for you?

[planet]

well, a job interview, a book to read, swimming, meet-ups, research, working on my own project, counselling...
I know it's not much of a GAL but that's what i can manage.

Will be taking my kids out tomorrow cause it's the festival.

[planet]

I took the kids to a mall tonight to celebrate the mid-autumn festival. Had some fun but something has been bothering me the whole day. I don't feel so good and that probably affected my time with my kids.
When i sent them back, i saw OM's car parked outside. W is having a small gathering with her sister, sister's bf and OM. MIL came out to receive the kids and i bid the kids and MIL good night and left.
I would expect OM's presence at her place even more now. Don't really know how i should feel about that but right now i just want to forget W to ease the pain.

[MrBond]

Patience and be your own man.

Here is a success story that came in today.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2386871#Post2386871

[planet]

I don't know how my situation will play out. It still hurts. I'm not detaching right. I want to feel that i will be alright. Seems like every step i take is a step back.

[Pudmuddle]

Aw planet. It is going to hurt for a while, sorry to say. Don't be hard on yourself for not detaching right. There is no such thing. It is unique to your situation.

Do as others suggest and read some success stories. Or like I did read the MidLife Crisis forums and it might make you feel better. It did for me today and I was in debby-downerville.

Find your old hobbies, things that make just you happy and do them. Even if you don't feel like it. Push yourself just a bit. Go for a looooooooong walk or run. Endorphins help.

Also, maybe start journaling so that you can look back and see the progress you are making. You will get there.

Hang in there.

[planet]

A bit of bad news.
I didn't get the job i wanted but they offered another job with a much much lower pay package.
I don't think i want to accept that.

Well, I have not placed any expectations to it so i'm good.

[Pudmuddle]

Phooey on them!

You were meant to find something better then, that's the way I look at it.

Stay strong planet.