To little Too late

[AnotherStander]

What do I do. Since my wife's Love Language is quality time and I can't give her that how can I do the last resort and accomplish anything.

It's a common question from LBS's who read 5LL. It's good for LBS's to read 5LL so they can see what they were doing wrong, but you can't go full press court on a WAS after reading it because that would be pursuit. So read it, learn from it, understand it and put it away for later use. Hopefully you'll reconcile with your W some day and then you'll want to freshen up on it, but even if you don't reconcile you'll need the knowledge for your next relationship.

[2little2late]

Well I made a mistake I think. I was clarifying but it probably came off as reasoning. She understood her love language, "Quality Time" which I gave her in our early years of marriage but not during the last 5 years. She couldn't understand what my love language is and thought that I never really had true love for her so I clarified. I wasn't telling her that I love her but that I did always love her because my LL is, "Affirmation" as my primary with "Special Touch" as my secondary. She gave it to me all the time. I always felt wanted by her.
Anyway that's what I did. Hopefully it is not too much of a back slide. It will be my first since I started the LRT. Any thoughts?

[JayMan]

Don't overthink it. Your W gave you the book, asked you to read it, and then initiated a discussion on it. It's hard to look back at a failed marriage and see why/where it fell apart; but understanding why is a huge step.

However, you stated your case, and I assume she understood. I'd chill on it for now. This is, I'm sure, bringing up old emotions and anger/fear/distress in W, so let her get those settled down.

[2little2late]

Also since I work out of town during the week I go home to see my daughter on the weekends and we do things together as a family, meals, pool, beach. It is not very last resortish but I don't know how to see my daughter without doing these things together.

[2little2late]

This was our dialogue after our email to each other.

For whatever reason I don’t feel that you have been honest with me about your feelings for me and our marriage. I feel like I am the only one that is voicing my feelings about our situation. You must admit you checked out also, a long time ago. Just sticking with a marriage to protect our child is not realistic either and I think you were resigned to do that. The way you treat our daughter like she is your world, I wish you had done that for me. You did in the beginning but honestly, do you feel you did that for the last five years? I know you have supported me, listened to me, been here for me, but did you really want to hang out with me? Do things with me? I am sorry you don’t remember this but I did ask you one night if “I rocked your world” and you said “No, no I didn’t.”
And even though I should feel grateful for you always telling me I was beautiful, it wasn’t enough. I don’t know how to describe or make you understand, but I never FELT loved. They were just words. And the more time went and less time we connected on the weekends, the more I filled up my world with stuff. (Commissions, boards, PTA etc…) So to you, you feel like I was pushing you away and I guess at some point I did but it was only after I felt I was not really a factor in your life.

You said in your text, that you never thought you could like me just as friends….seriously? We have a 15 year history together, a child together. This is where I don’t believe the “grey” in you. And I worry that you will not be able to have that relationship with me. I know it is unfair for me to hope you will be any which way, I know I have hurt you. We have hurt each other. But I hope we can figure out the best situation for all of us, but most importantly Our daughter.


That is what I wrote many weeks ago before I read the book. And I never could finish it. I would keep coming back to it. It was like I just couldn’t clarify what I wanted to say, was worried about saying it and was confused about all the feelings I was having also. Now that you read the book perhaps you have figured out that my love language is quality of time. The one thing you can’t give me. And I have learned that I require a lot of it. If you think back to the times when we were happiest in our marriage, it was when we were spending a bunch of time together, at least it was for me. I am also troubled that I can’t figure out what your love language is. So, I know I never showed it to you. And that makes me very sad. I don’t think you ever felt true love from me. How could you when I don’t know what it is? I think maybe words of affirmation?

There are of course other factors at play here. Our debt being paramount. I know you ultimately wanted a life with us, but because of the debt you could not. I wish that we had read the book together years ago. I think we would have made some different choices.
I am truly sorry for my part in all of this. I never wanted to hurt you. You are very important to me and I really care for you. I just want us to be happy and I am trying to take the steps to do that.

-Me

[2little2late]

This was my response to her:

Thank you for showing me your raw feelings. I know that I caused you a lot of pain. You are right. Quality time is the one thing that I can’t give you. At least in the way that you feel loved. Especially while I work on movies.
It is all starting to make sense. I agree, your Love Language is definitely “Quality Time” with maybe “Physical Touch” being secondary I would think. I guess it wasn’t obvious but my primary Love Language is “Affirmation” with “special Touch” being secondary. This explains why all of the love and admiration that I thought I was doing for you was actually communicating nothing about how much I adored you.
My happiest times were also the times that we spent together. I craved you every day and savored every moment with you.
I would breathe you in. The scent of your body and to kiss the back of your neck always sent me over the edge. You “Rocked My World” every day.
I remember when you asked me that question. We were at a sexual road block and at that time we were not satisfying each other. We were just going through the motions. I had hope that we would have improved from there though.
As far as your love for me, you showed it to me every day. Because of my Love Language I felt love from you in what seemed like the simplest ways. I always felt wanted by you and Woooohh!, when you looked at me with your dreamy Italian Eyes and would run to me saying “My name" and jump into my arms with me swinging you like a clock pendulum I would breath you in and my tank was overfull. I was spilling over the edges with love for you. You were my Sunshine My Only Sunshine, And other various pet names we had. I felt love and it was you that kept my tank full.
This is why I questioned how I could just be friends with you. You have always been the most naturally beautify woman that I have ever seen. I have adored you from the first day I saw you. I thought, “how could I just be friends with someone I am so infatuated with”. Then I realized that no matter what, being friends was the best place to be right now. At least for the sake of our daughter.
Thanks again for communicating with me.

Me

[2little2late]

This was her response to that:

That was quite a beautiful letter you wrote. I honestly didn’t know you felt that way.
I am glad you understand where I am coming from. Thanks for communicating with me.
-Me

So this is where we are right now. I don't think that I can do the LRT at this point.

Any suggestions?

[AnotherStander]

"Smacks palm on forehead" Next time just VALIDATE. She doesn't want to hear all the touchy-feely stuff, it is total pursuit. I mean she REALLY doesn't want to hear it. It probably turns her stomach and makes her roll her eyes. You're just reminding her how far apart the two of you are regarding the relationship.

[2little2late]

Well..!

[Pudmuddle]

I don't know AS, I think her response while short was very thoughtful, nothing negative at all.

My only advice 2L2L, would be to just pull back and wait. Don't go overboard again anytime soon. And don't have any expectations for her to come rushing back to you right now.
My guess that you will see the flip side of her for a few days or so.


Take it sloooooooooooooooooooooow.