Good for noticing the high point: he apologized. This is a big clue that they are watching everything you do/not do and say/not say very carefully. He knows when he's being a jerk. As long as you don't revert to old behaviors, you're going to encourage the good side of him to show his face.
This is what applies to all of you. They *need* the distance that being a jerk provides them. Does this make sense? As long as you don't take the bait and pursue, react or retaliate, you might see this guy more often.
I married and divorced a nice guy. XH doesn't like being a jerk. Really. (I mean we all have jerky moments, so I'm not saying that jerkiness disappears forever.) But he doesn't like behaving in a manner that is opposite of how he was raised. It sounds like you are married to a similar guy.
That being said, it is imperative (and I cannot stress this enough), that you stifle any negative reactions to jerkiness. If you have to comment on stuff that hurts, just say "OUCH". And walk away.
Muse, I've been divorced for 8+ years, but I managed to DB the hell out of a guy who was my good friend before we dated and get THAT guy back. We have a disabled daughter, and I knew the only way to make things work would be to create a new R that works for our family. Every once in awhile, he's jerky. He has a tendency to lecture me. (Don't like that guy much.) He has a very stressful job that has him traveling way more than when we were married. And sometimes jerky guy says stuff that is mean. If it's small hurt, he'll usually apologize on the spot or call me later. If it's bigger and he doesn't, I can now call him and ask him if he's okay because he wasn't his usual nice guy. That usually brings us to a good air-cleaning conversation. And a sincere apology. And then Mr. Pleasant returns.
And guess what? Sometimes it's ME who's the jerk. And he can safely call me out for being overreactive without worrying that I will go off on him.
But I had 2 years of great practice and working with Laurie (a great DB coach here) to change how I reacted to situations and button pushing.
You can do this.
He's practically telling you that he's watching and okay coming around to this different you. Make it comfortable to be around you and your D.
As long as you keep the mantra "NO EXPECTATIONS" you will be okay. Don't expect nice guy to come around for good. He's testing you. So drop that rope and just continue doing your Musey things.
What are you doing to pursue your own interests and keeping your PMA up? (I love reading how you guys do this...)
Quote:
I am treated like an unwanted customer,
LOL, that's a great observation. Don't take it personally. Remember, he needs his space. But what you don't realize yet? So do you... time and space is your very best friend right now. So optimize this.
Keep going. You're doing a great job.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
