I am posting the following here on my thread as written by Another Stander on someone ele's thread to remind me how true it really is.....
"A very common mistake with LBSs is they think after a few weeks or months it's OK to start pursuing again, but it is NOT. The WAS will let the LBS know if they've decided to work on things, until then the LBS needs to give them tons of time and space and quit pursuing them and reminding them that they're waiting for them. It's clingy, needy, unattractive behavior when the LBS does that. The LBS needs to become strong, self-sufficient and independent like they were when they met the WAS. THAT is what is attractive to a WAS." (AS)
This is the truth, and I need to remind myself of it. I think I've finally figured it out!
I remember my XW1: I pandered to her for probably 12-18 months while she hem-hawed on divorce. She filed it, kept postponing/delaying it. I finally put my foot down on OM, and stopped completely doing what she asked - she blew up, screamed, threatened everything in the book, and I calmly said, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Within two weeks, her demeanor and attitude had changed. She dumped OM, and delayed the actual divorce for another two years, and by then I was clear in my heart to leave the marriage. To this day, we still sometimes disagree, but she respects me, looks up to me, allows me to make most of the decisions for the kids, etc.
So even though it didn't save the marriage, it saved ME!
Thanks for the reminder. Need it for myself too. I look at any little positive thing and get my hopes up. I am strong and independent! Need to stop my sometimes pathetic clingy behavior!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
thats the hardest thing, where any little positive looks to be something huge in the way towards R. But, most of the time it's nothing more than a blip.
I agree Thanks for the reminder. It is so true, every time they go a bit closer, you think is this it? My attitude towards him never changes during this time or does it? Maybe our subconscious lets us behave slightly differently towards them or maybe not.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
"A very common mistake with LBSs is they think after a few weeks or months it's OK to start pursuing again, but it is NOT. The WAS will let the LBS know if they've decided to work on things, until then the LBS needs to give them tons of time and space and quit pursuing them and reminding them that they're waiting for them. It's clingy, needy, unattractive behavior when the LBS does that. The LBS needs to become strong, self-sufficient and independent like they were when they met the WAS. THAT is what is attractive to a WAS." (AS)
Thank you for posting that...
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
you know I really felt like trying more contact with my WAS after she unexpededly responded to my bday greeting. I really did not expect her to say anything. Even though it was short it was something to indicate she will still respond to me. However, I am and will keep dark as this is the only option available. As tough as it is on me, it's her journey and I get that. As tough as it is, I can only respond to her contact. And now however, I feel alot better about things by keeping dark. It really does give one the sense of taking a little of the control back. WHich I believe leads to an even stronger PMA and GAL.
Well done You're getting stronger by the day! The old 2old would've responded by now, lol. I know I've said this before
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Hello Wonka, thanks for stopping by my thread....I agree with what your saying about showing a new upbeat person. Unfortunately, I dont think it would fit. She responded to my Bday wish with "thank you, I had a wonderful day!" and that was 2 days ago. So it would be too late to say anything more I believe. or would it?
My bday is coming shortly and I have NO EXPECTATIONS she will do the same even though I believe it is possible...Should she hb me I certainly will be looking for something positive and upbeat to say...Please peek in on my sitch from time to time wonka...
and yea, thanks for sneaking in an old cheap shot...lol
Thanks for the reminder. It is so true, every time they go a bit closer, you think is this it? My attitude towards him never changes during this time or does it? Maybe our subconscious lets us behave slightly differently towards them or maybe not.