Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[MyNewStrength]

I have been reading lots of articles on marriage and self-awareness and self-growth. I came across an article that posed questions to elicit real thought and reflection. I guess I wanted to pose some here to see if you or your spouse have ever considered or reflected on them. here goes (And I sure hope this okay to post):

"SELF-AWARENESS
What are you pretending not to know? (are we deceiving ourselves?)
Why don’t you do the things you know you should be doing?
What are your values and are you being true to them?
In what ways are you being perceived, that you’re not aware of?
What don’t you know, that you don’t know?

HAPPINESS
Are your “shoulds” getting in the way of your happiness?

PERSPECTIVE
If you weren’t scared what would you do?
Should you be focused on today or tomorrow?"

Makes you think a little - I wanted to share.

[JayMan]

Whew, if most of our WAS answered these honestly, the earth would probably crack in two.

[KenF]

i think most of us here have pondered those or similar questions. as for our spouses, who knows? cant answer that one.

if you dont like your lawyer, then absolutely change. They should be willing to consider anything you say, and give their professional opinion about it. you should be in control, and they should be giving you advice and protecting you legally. If you dont want them to do something, they shouldnt do it anyway. But listen to their advice. also educate yourself independently.

you're going to go into a very tough situation, where you and your h will need to agree on many items. you'll need to discuss many things and make compromises. there will be plenty of anger and disagreements occurring naturally. Creating unnecessary conflict for the sake of revenge or to make yourself feel better will not help you and may ultimately backfire.

from my experience, the best way to approach this is very business like. be neutral if you cant act friendly. and by friendly i dont mean in a fake way. no need to pretend you dont know what he's doing, but dont rub it in his face. if he denies it, dont agree with him, but dont put up a fight. pretend as if it/he doesnt matter (which is different than pretending it never happened)

if you choose to divorce, then get the separation started and protect your assets. split your credit cards and your bank accounts (with your lawyers guidance) until the separation is begun, you are liable for his spending.

[MyNewStrength]

Well I had the meeting with the other lawyer yesterday and I liked her. She listened to my concerns and the situation. The first thing she said to me was that he is a bully and that I should never ever sign anything that my H places in front of me because he is only focused on himself. Based on security clearance of my H, he would be a moron to even pursue any sort of injunction without a separation agreement in place and if he wants that, he is going to have to negotiate.

She gave me some good information, but some of it I was not expecting. In this situation, I make more than my H, but our home is going to be the quagmire. Since he wants the cash, he wants to buy me out, but I am going to an investment manager to see what and how I can individually afford to live based on income. Based on that we can then draft an agreement based on an informed financial mgmt. consultation.

I think I would feel more comfortable, because me H was pressuring me to agree to his terms without me first seeking guidance from an investment manager on living affordably and comfortably. So I am going to do that on Monday.

Still, no texts, phone calls, or emails to or from H. So far, I am able to breathe, but it is lonely..

[KenF]

Absolutely: "never ever sign anything that my H places in front of me" without first consulting your lawyer, and unless you agree fully. He may try to pressure you, and threaten by listing less agreeable terms, etc. You always have the option of saying you will think about it and get back to him. Nothing ever needs to be signed immediately.

you're right in taking this time to educate yourself and talk to the right people. and many times, friends and family are not the right people, they mean well, but use the professionals.

the loneliness is up to you to remedy.

[MyNewStrength]

I really need the support to prevent me from calling my H. I have been thinking about him a lot today. I know that I am suppose to be detaching but it is not always that easy. I saw my IC yesterday and guess her feedback was that while I did not seem upset that she believed I was displaying apathy for the situation.

Then maybe I am a little detached and I have kept my mind occupied this week, but really started thinking about H last night. I wonder if he thinks about me at all? I wonder if he feels anything at all?

I know that these are questions that I should not be focused on and that I must GAL. I think I have been doing that but doesn't the LBS occasionally think about their wayward spouses?

[MrCAS]

Spending time and energy wondering if your H is thinking about you or feeling any thing for you is a waste of precious resources. When is all said and done, does it really matter? This will eventually become a type of vortex and suck you down. It will consume you and take your focus away from the things that are truly important.

Of course you both are going to be thinking of each other. You are going to feel a gamut of emotions. This a normal part of being human. It is part of growth and healing. It is a at what level and the content of the thinking that matters. You just can't let feelings consume the waking moments of your life.

From my own experience, it was when I let go and started living my life for me, with little to no thought of what my W thought or felt, that things turned around and started getting better.

After all the emotional stuff is done, divorce boils to nothing but a business deal. You have an obligation to yourself to leave yourself as financial whole as possible. Your H has the same thing. I once heard it said that the best divorce deal is when both parties walk away and feel like they each got screwed over.

Personally, I no longer understand the idea of fighting over stuff. It is just stuff. I am not claiming that i have reached some utopian level of enlightenment, just an acceptance that fighting over stuff is just a waste of my time and energy.

FWIW... I changed the locks on my house. I did it for personal safety. My W had a renter in here in the beginning of the year. Her parents, daughter, and best friend had a key to the house. Her live-in BF has access to the keys to the house as well as the garage door opener. I know someone was in the house when I wasn't here because I used the slip of paper in the door trick. While I didn't notice anything was missing it still concerned me that someone was in the house when I wasn't here and without my consent and knowledge. I also asked my W for her key and garage door opener back at one point, which she refused to do, so I informed her that I was going to be changing the locks and she didn't raise an objection. It gives me a certain peace of mind.

[MyNewStrength]

Made up my mind - I am not going to fight H to not divorce, but I am also not going to help him. It has been so quiet since he has gone and it has done wonders for my sanity and I like not having to be in his "firing" line.

I will only respond if he contacts me, but I will respond after one day of receiving any calls, texts because then I have time to reflect and not respond on emotion. I will continue to pray for myself and our marriage. And I will continue my running. I really need to get myself ready for this race 1 month from today.

So really, the preparation for the race will become my primary GAL activity and it will be good to get fresh air consistently. I have ALWAYS felt better emotionally and physically after working out.

Well, today, I need to get out of the house - so yardwork and shopping for much needed groceries. I hope everyone has a great day!

[JayMan]

MNS - awesome! I've pretty much decided to do the same thing, so I'll check in on you!

[MrCAS]

Hey MNS... I came to the same conclusion.

It was when I cam to a point and realized that my W and I were getting a D no matter what I did, no matter how I felt about it, or whether it was right thing to do... It was going to happen and neither one of us needed permission to do it.

You are going to have to fill out paperwork and stuff. The not helping thing only goes so far before it seems like you are just being stubborn.