No no, sorry John, I am not cheering the 2x4 in a bad way. I just meant that fly's advice was well said and well thought out. I agree with what fly said but had trouble putting it into words.
We are all cheering for you. I would never cheer for divorce or failure. I think the keys to fly's posts were that you really need to detach, work on yourself, and give it enough time for you and your W to figure things out.
I went though a one year separation last year and looking back, I'd say it took at least 3 months just to get over the fighting, texting, name calling, etc. Months 4-8 were productive and minimal contact for me, that's when the real work started.
You can do it!
Does your health insurance pay for therapy? Mine did, and I started going weekly in the 2nd month, and it was a huge help for me. I also read lots of books, including Michele's Divorce Busting stuff. I highly recommend them.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Still thinking. Babysitter for S5 is a good friend of mine; texted me and said S5 said to say "hi". Babysitter asked him if he wanted to say "I love you",and S5 said, "Yes".
It's this: that makes life worthwhile even with/without W's input.
Funny story: last Friday when W and I were still talking a little, my Skype application updated on my phone, and when my list of contacts loaded, W was on there with her maiden name. I texted her and was like "Nice Skype name". She texted back, "That was like a month ago when I was mad at you." It just updated on my PC and I noticed she switched it back to our married name. I probably should've ignored it in hindsight, but it just irked me. Working on letting stupid stuff go!
Still thinking/praying about recent comments - I had a good friend tell me pretty much what Fly said, so I need to get my head on straight. I have no idea what's happening next with W - so I'm just gonna work on ME.
Well, W just texted me - she got the paperwork switched over from divorce to dissolution. She also said she was not considering dismissing it anymore, she didn't want to talk to me Friday, and she thought we should just go our separate ways. So, I go dark, and she goes the OTHER way. Sheesh.
I told her that I had agreed to sign and I would - but I wanted to make sure she was making the right decision - since she had made statements of complete love last Monday, and we hugged and I kissed her neck this past Friday, that it seemed like maybe more thought was merited. Also, I have been completely dark since Saturday - not a long time, but a good start at least.
I told her I wanted we meet in person because this was too important a decision to make lightly.
So, I will go dark until that discussion if she agrees, then dark afterwards. If nothing else changes, then Oct 7, it'll be final!
Feeling a little blah; I'm an optimist, and I've been pretty down on this trying not to get hopes up. The only thing I could do is fight the divorce - which would force her to turn it BACK into a divorce. But that's just going to make her mad. But the dissolution makes it a VERY short timeline, basically three weeks.
1. Should I ask to meet in person? I kinda want to see her eyes if she is going to permanently end our marriage, and I want to have the dignity of being told instead of over text. Or should I just say, "OK thanks, see you on October 7." And stay completely dark?
2. If we meet, should I ask her why she changed from one week saying she loved me and wanted to be with me, and some very romantic/flirty gestures, and hugs ....to being "done"? Or just say nothing? I honestly just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.
From what I have read on this forum, it seems like completely detaching and letting your w think that she might lose you (and it might not be her choice) has been what has worked for others. There is some evidence that going completely dark helps. You need to do what works in your situation. I don't think confronting her about her going back and forth will help you.
Can you think of something totally unexpected and non-confrontational that might work for YOU? Is there some 180 that you could do that you haven't thought of yet that might seem to come out of left field? Be like Steve Jobs and think different.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
So I spent a LOT of time thinking and praying about this comment from Fly:
Quote:
You are either going to stand for your marriage or not, when you've finally come to that decision you will know, there will not be a second you waffle about it. Right now, you just ordered yourself extra with blueberry toppings and whipped cream. You obviously want your marriage, now put in the work, on yourself. Give her the time SHE needs to figure out her own guilt/issues/responsibility in it. You cannot do any of that for her.
Not only was it a great challenge, but God used it to really get my attention, because, let's face it, it really boils down to a choice of divorce or loving my wife, and to me that's no choice at all. I hate divorce - I know what it does to families.
I clearly choose W. With no hesitation, with no wavering, with no doubts.
I prayed some crazy powerful prayers for her last night, and I'm standing on faith. My faith is in God, not W - because I know that He's working even if W won't listen. W is not my enemy.
I went dark from Saturday night through yesterday afternoon, exchanged a few texts about divorce paperwork and her intentions, and am dark again.
My last text was something like, "I don't understand the changes in you since last Friday; none of this makes any sense. I won't demand you meet with me in person, but would prefer it, as I really think this is a decision worth discussing. I know you asked for time and space, so I will continue to give you that, but you're welcome to call."
And now back to dark. But even 5 days of dark isn't NEARLY enough time for stuff to sink in. I think my only sense of urgency is the speed at which the dissolution is moving - 10/7. So now it's wait!
If I could write a letter to W, here's what it would say:
Dear W,
Last Monday, you came over and told me you loved me, and that you wanted to be married to me. You told me that every time you said, "I'm done" - God said, "No, W, you're not." We discussed our future, agreed to take our time (12 months minimum), talked about the need for counseling, agreed to begin dating.
Three days later, you were back to divorce. I offered to just sign the dissolution and get things over with on that Thursday. You texted and asked me if you could have more time to think things over, even though I agreed to let you go.
Friday, you invited me over and hugged me, joked with me, talked about our girls sharing a room. We worked on unpacking some stuff together, and talked about getting pizza for the kids. You asked for time and space, so I left.
Since last Saturday, I have not contacted you at all - with our last contact being a hug. Yesterday, you texted me about our new paperwork being completed, and said you'd see me at our court date in 3 weeks. I asked if you were still considering the things you said you were considering, and you said, "No".
You know how I feel: I love you, I believe in us, and I hate divorce. I won't belabor that. However, I also understand that you are struggling with a lot of things, and I can understand how hard that is; I've been doing some of that myself.
I hope you understand my confusion. The last two weeks have been very confusing, and you even told me you were confused. That's what brings my hesitation to the divorce. I feel like we are in no place to be making permanent decisions about our future when it's obvious those decisions are being based on emotions - on both our parts.
I think it would be wise to discuss. If it's not the time for discussion, then I definitely think it would be wise to wait; wait on God, wait to be sure our hearts and minds were clear, and make sure we have no regrets.
Since you've been dark, she may have sent that text to make her feel like she's regained control of the situation. Or she may be temporarily mad and wanted to say it for the effect.
Heck, my wife "divorced me" dozens of times over the year we were separated. Once that cat is out of the bag, it doesn't hurt as much anymore, but for the person saying it, they think they are getting in a dig and taking control of the sitch.
I know it's hard, but from someone that's been through it, just appear to be indifferent about it. I wouldn't ask her to meet, I wouldn't even really respond with lengthy messages. Just say "ok" and nothing else. Be mysterious.
And at the end of the day, if the dissolution actually does go through, so what? It doesn't mean you can find your way back together in the future. Since there are children involved, she will still be in your life in some capacity for quite a while.
I'm amazed she's agreeing to a dissolution. Quick, low costs, and you won't have to give her anything. That is quite amazing and kind of makes me thing she's not really serious about following through.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Hello JonF, you have come to my thread a few times and thought I would throw in my 2 cents....From what I am reading here you have received alot of excellent advice. Especially about going dark. Like yours my sitch isn't going to be saved with riding the roller coaster of going back and fourth. Like my W yours is apparently confused as to what she wants. The vets here have made one thing very clear, they must go on their own journey without us trying to help them along. There is nothing you can say or do at this moment that will change her.
I have accepted the only thing that can be done is to Lovingly DETACH. It will help me (and truly has) and maybe, just maybe bring about a change in my WAW. You read my thread recently how I stayed dark for a month after trying to open up talks with her. It did not work. So, I stayed dark and n/c for a month and recently only peeked out for a monent to say happy birthday. I did not expect a response and lo and behold she responded.
I really believe here JonF space and detachment is crucial. Without it they cannot complete their journey to wherever it may lead them. It took awhile to get this through my head but today I firmly believe it's the only option. Yes, you are up against a D date but as the vets have said to many others over and over again the old marriage is already dead and the only way forward is to start a new one if that is what comes about.
Damn hard stuff we are dealing with but, there is always hope and thats what I am resting my sitch on realizing it's the only and best choice.....
