Her complaints have been that I'm too critical, judgemental and negative and angry all the time and that I have no patience with our two young boys.
No matter what she suggests, the first thing I do is question it.
Her complaints are accurate and I have been doing 180's with regard to all of them. She's noticed my changes, but makes light of them.
My biggest struggle has been my willingness to argue that I'm right, regardless. That pushes alot of people away.
This is her 2nd affair. The first was about 3 years ago. She was out of work and on a downward spiral emotionally. She was questioning all of her decisions in life. When she lost her career that she had for 12 years, I think she lost her identity.
Anyway, during this time, she made contact with an old boyfriend from college on facebook. They exchanged updates and she learned that he was in need of her expertise on a freelance basis for some land development site plans. He was in Indiana where they went to school together and we were in Michigan. He flew her out and she spent a couple days out there. She made one more trip there and that was it.
In the meantime, she had already informed me that she wanted to split. But I begged and pleaded and cried to get her to reconsider, which she did. We went to a Retrouvaille weekend and she recommited to the marriage.
I may have overheard a phone conversation between my W and her girlfriend, and I became suspisious.
So, I looked into her email and found that she was involved at least in a EA with this guy. I continued to snoop and soon learned that he ended it.
I never confronted her about it. That is when I was first introduced to "Divorce Busting" MWD book. I did my best at the techniques and it must have paid off for a while. But I reverted back to my life long personality flaws and dropped the ball.
Our lives have been truamatic for about 4 years because of the loss of her job (6 figures) and the impact it had on our lifestyle and our lives in general. We were struggling financially and she could not find work. After settling for a retail garden center job, she was involved in a terrible car accident which laid her up for almost a year.
This was extremely stressful on me, taking care of her and the two boys. My patience was thin.
Once she started working again, it was long hours and 7 days a week. This really caused alot of strife and she resented me for being bothered by it and I resented her for not being available.
At some point, she began seeing this OM at her job. She left that job 3 weeks ago and is now back in her industry, land development/engineering, in a professional role. Good for us financially, but now she's caught up with this OM and sneeks away to see him whenever there is the opportuntiy.
I know all the stress, anger, resentment, no real time together for 2 years and overall kaos in our lives is the biggest contributing factor to the current state of our marriage, along with my own contributions in how I reacted to the upheaval.
Now, I can sense she is severed from me emotionally. She avoids me and rarely initiates a conversation. From my previous snooping, I saw that her plan is to leave in about 6 months and live with this guy, but I don't know if she would do that or if she's going along with his wishlist right now.
I just don't know how to address her specific issues in the marriage while she's involved with this OM. I don't think she has the slightest bit of interest. I feel like if I were to confront her, she would say well, now that you know, that saves me the hassle of telling you. I'm leaving!
It's very clear to me how all of this stuff has contributed to where we are, but my W proabably wouldn't be willing to accept that. In her eyes, It's all my fault, I'm sure.
I'm lost, man!
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
By the way, an EA or a PA is not a deal breaker for me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be going through all of this!
I know I am the cause of most of our problems, but I am committed to my marriage and I want to rebuild it. To me, it's for life, not a disposable piece of paper. I hate that my W's integrity has decomposed to such a state. Where she can just cast aside everything. I went through alot of crap from her as well. But I would never throw our marriage away because of it. That's what a marriage is! Finding ways to make it through the tough stuff.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Just to clarify, I did confront my wife immediately after discovering her A, I just didn't reveal it to anyone else (my mistake was not telling the OM wife at the time). In your case, you're right- not much tying him to anyone, but I would still let his XW know when the time comes.
Here's how I see it. This guy is a piece of cr@p, and you are the better choice, hands down. From his history, as you describe it, he moves from one woman to another. He'll move on from your wife as well (or she from him). I seriously doubt that if your W moved in with him that it would last long.
Your wife is already having a full blown PA with him, so if she did say "I'm outta here" to you, it wouldn't make much difference other than she'd move out. I think that if she did that, their relationship would deteriorate very rapidly. I think that you wife knows this, deep down, and that's why she hasn't already pulled the trigger on D.
That being said, I'd tell her that you know about her affair. I would let her know that you also knew of her previous affair. In a firm but loving way, I would tell her that while you want a better marriage with her than you have had in the past, that you cannot tolerate her continued infidelity. I would admit that you have not been the best husband to her, nor the best father, but that you have made a commitment to yourself to become a better man for yourself and your family. I would invite her to work on your marriage together (we can define this later if you wish), with no further contact with OM of any kind.
She may respond with agreement to work on your marriage. If so- great! It will still be a long road. If she decides to move in with the OM, I honestly think it won't last six months before she's back asking to work on your M. The OM will be frustrated because he'll have to share your W's time with your kids and her new job. All of the fantasy will blow up. He won't be able to hide his true personality from your W for long. It won't work. Right now they only get the best from each other, they'll get it ALL if they move in together.
You should leave her with the best possible image of you -strong, in control, loving, kind. If she moves out, you do not speak with her. This is designed to protect you from further hurt, as well as to leave your wife with only her last memories of you, and without your continued emotional support. You have to force the other guy to meet ALL her needs, not just the ones you are not providing.
I think the plan above will lead to the best and fastest path to recovery. Once she comes knocking back on your door? Well, that's a whole different post! -HS
I am in a similar sitch, in that I am back again due to my H second PA. I won't go into details here as I have posted on the Newcomer forum. However, I think I slipped back into some old ways too, as well as my H. I don't think he ever forgave me for the original EA I had and then what proceeded after that. He then seemed to be angry, and fed up with people at work and took out issues on our son and I could not figure out how to deal with that because he wouldn't talk about it. He had turned into this big, whiny complaining person that just did not seemed to be happy. He no longer could joke about simple things, which is unusual because we have the most sophomoric humor that we both laugh at. This led to my situational depression to where I blocked him out. I'm sure he took this as personal rejection. So here I am. So much for not going into detail, lol.
Anyhoo, I feel the same way that I dislike that our M has been reduced to nothing. Finding ways to make it through the tough stuff is exactly what I said to him when he told me he was tired of the problems and the same patterns. To me we never resolved the previous patterns or did either of us make the effort to change for real. So we slipped back.
I want to know that I will give this my absolute best effort and I can see you feel that way too. Because after all, it's not about getting revenge, it's about DOING THE RIGHT THING and feeling good about the choices you made. It will make you a person of stronger moral character to know you stick to what you believe.
Good luck! I'll be watching you
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Thank you for sharing that very insightful post. For some reason, I think it was delayed in coming through because I checked yesterday and it wasn't there, yet it's dated 9/14.
It seems to be very sound advice.
It's been very hard the past several days. I went away over the weekend to GAL and play in a golf outing. My wife called and said that she and the boys were going down to her sister's to spend the night. I told her that was a great idea and good for them! Turns out, she dropped the kids there and then went to see OM for the night.
I'm trying to accept what's going on, but it's so tough sometimes.
I'm keeping up with the 180's and being very positive and helpful. Keeping my cool, no arguements and lots of patience with the kids.
I really like your suggestion about telling her I know about her affairs, however, I have no idea what her reaction will be. And knowing that at that very moment, the rest of my life will be impacted. That's a little scary.
I see that your wife was involved in an EA. This is a pretty passionate PA I'm dealing with. What are your thoughts about that? Is it significant? Or do they both carry the same weight?
Everything you say makes sense. You laid it our very well. It's just getting the guts up to go through with it. Plus, swinging back and forth about should I or shouldn't I?
You seem very confident that if my W leaves me for him that she'll be back. But, you're right. They only get the absolute best from each other right now. They live in an outright fantasy together with no responsibilities or consequences to this point.
You've really got me thinking here, because I don't know how much more of this deceit I can take to my face.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
DD, Yeah, my posts are delayed for some reason- sorry!
I know your fear. It stinks living like that. Everyone else on this forum, including those that are now back in happy marriages thanks to the advice of MWD and the others on this board ,can empathize with your fear. Unfortunately, fear can keep you paralyzed from action.
One of my hobbies is skydiving. I remember the fear that I had before my first solo jump very clearly, even today. Unfortunately, fear and skydiving don't mix- its what gets folks killed. If you panic when you can't locate your pull handle, or have one of a hundred different kinds of line or canopy malfunctions, you can get what is called "brain lock". "Brain lock" is what fear does to you. It prevents you from moving forward, thinking things through, and taking the next logical steps to save your rear end. Many folks have gone into the ground with perfectly good canopies on their backs simply because they froze with fear. Before that first jump I went over every possible scenario I could think of and practiced in my mind how I would react. By the time I stepped into the doorway and put my head out into the oncoming air stream, my fear was gone, and only focus remained. I suggest the same technique for you.
You know that you can't wait forever, because your wife will make the decision for all of you, without your input, if you do. You know, deep down, that eventually, you'll have to take the reins and set your boundaries. If you want a marriage where you are partners and have equal say, you have to ask for it, and not settle for less. That said, you have to decide when that time is. You have to come to peace with it. Once you've made the decision, and sit down with your wife it will just be you and her. None of the folks here will be in that room with you to help, so you have to think out oll of her potential responses, and how you will respond in kind. This will keep your panic levels much lower, and you will be able to interact. In many ways, this is your first "solo"!
