Confused about detaching!!!

[Accuray]

Angela, it seems like he's all over the place. It comes down to you doing some soul searching and deciding what you want. We can't tell you if you should work to preserve your marriage or not, only you can decide that. If you decide to work to preserve your marriage, we can support you along that journey, and if you decide to move on we can support you along that journey too.

It's easy to get sucked into WAS land and feel like you've harpooned a whale and are getting dragged all over the ocean in your little boat.

Really, though, YOU are half this marriage, so what you want and what you need also need to be taken into account. Either you believe that you can eventually get what you need from the marriage, you don't, or you're not sure, you want to wait and see what develops, but it's absolutely essential to know what YOU want and need.

In terms of your question of "when are you ready to work on your marriage", the answer, from my perspective, is when you are able to *present* what you want and need to H, have that heard, respected, and responded to efficiently, and that H will be able to do the same with you.

If you don't think H is in a position to hear and respond to what you want and need, then you're not ready to work on your M together. If you don't think H understands what he wants and needs himself, then you're not in a position to work on the M.

There's work to be done here, you really have to understand yourself to know what your "must have" list contains, then you have to do some work evaluating if those things are reasonable, or are the consequence of issues you need to work through with an IC. For instance, if you feel H should call you every hour to check in, that's probably not reasonable and you'd want to work through why you have such a high need for contact and/or reassurance. Not saying you have that issue, just a silly example.

When you feel you have your list, and it's more than reasonable, that will help you in this relationship or any other. Then, you create boundaries to ensure that your list is not disrespected or ignored, and you enforce those boundaries ruthlessly.

In my opinion, H needs some therapy to get a handle on his moods and his relationship with both of your parents. He's got stuff going on there that needs to be resolved, it's obviously torturing him. With his erratic behavior, there's also a good chance he's investing intimacy elsewhere and is torn up about that too.

Your best bet is to stay flat and even.

If he's screaming and yelling and jumping up and down, you are calm and rational. If he's laughing and clapping and doing backflips, you are calm and rational. You just need to weather the storm until he sorts himself out IF you want to try to preserve the marriage, it's going to be a waiting game for a while and take more patience than you think you have.

If at some point you decide it's just too painful, or if you doubt he will ever come around enough to be able to satisfy your needs, then it's time to move on, IMO.

Acc