on the edge...

[dingo]

[/b]The below was the status of my relationship approximately 6 weeks ago. I posted on a similar BB and while the advice I received was practical, the universal sentiment from the 'experts' was 'divorce immediately and don't look back.' This wasn't in my heart to follow that advice so I stopped posting. Our MC recommended Michelle's book and I found this site and decided to seek advice from you all as well as sign up for 3 sessions of coaching.

Here goes:

My wife and I are both 38 years old, have been living together for almost 7 years and married for the last two. Our relationship has gone through good times and bad and up until recently had seemed pretty normal to me. We have a lot of common interests and were always able to laugh, joke and be affectionate with each other. There were times when I was somewhat absent from the relationship (spent a couple of years addicted to a video game, focused on work, etc) and didn't always hear her requests for attention. Similar things happened in reverse as well, mostly centered around time she spent with her family and friends.

We've had a very stressful couple of years. Just after our wedding, I began a new job that I was very excited about and poured a lot of energy into. My wife and I are both engineering consultants and she understands the work hours and focus on clients' needs that our job requires - no matter what time of the day. However, I still think she resented how much i focused on work. Around the same time, my dad revealed that his cancer had returned. After 9 months of treatment, he passed away in July 2012. During this time, my wife's mother's illness became terminal and she passed away in May 2013. Lastly, there has been a lot of pressure to have a child. While I always thought we would have a family, I could not bring myself to pull the trigger and go through with it. After an argument back in March 2013, i began to understand how much it meant to her and slowly my stance changed.

My wife admitted to an affair with a co-worker approximately 2 weeks ago. She claimed that before our argument concerning having a child, she had never questioned whether she was in love with me. After that argument, she began to question love and whether we were right for each other. During this time, she began to befriend this co-worker. Innocently enough at first, she says but as she got to know him more, he began to elicit feelings in her that had eroded in our relationship (from what i read, pretty typical for affairs). During the last weeks of her mother's life, I felt like I was there for her. However, she recalls an instance where she asked if we could go away for the weekend and I said 'no, we're saving money for a vacation in the fall.' Admittedly, this is probably something I would have said but I do not recall the conversation. In her mind, she needed a break from everything with her mother and I had callously denied her that. This is apparently when the affair started (mid-May2013).

She began to be distant, spent a lot of time away from home, did most of her activities on her own and we stopped having sex (again, typical behavior/warning signs). Her claim was that she needed time and space to figure out what she wanted. Although I wasn't always successful, I did attempt to give her space. I moved into my mom's house for a couple of days and she stayed at her 'girlfriend's' house for a couple of days (i later found out that this was a lie). Eventually I caught her in a lie and she admitted to the affair. She then walked out of the house and stayed somewhere else for the night. The following evening, she moved back in and claimed she wanted things to work. We began seeing a counselor individually and as a couple. The following weekend, I caught her in another lie. She claimed that she was going to visit her father but was in fact out of town with the OM. When I called her on that, she came rushing home, claimed no more lies and that she just needed one last 'date.'

Today we are continuing to see the counselor and the sessions tend to go pretty well. We have good days and bad days. She tells me she loves me some days and other days she acts strangely when that topic comes up. She tells me of conversations with her father and his advice to her was 'your mother and I had a lot of problems in our marriage, if you love each other, you will work it out.' I ask her if we love each other, and she says yes. Some days, she will come home and ask about how we're splitting the property/finances if we get divorced or will tell me she's casually looking at apartments. Other days its 'god forbid we get a divorce.' Some days she's very affectionate, holding hands, hugging, etc. and other days she's distant and standoffish. Some days she can't get enough of me and others she doesnt want me around at all. Sex has not yet happened since the admission. I think you get the idea...

She has assured me that all contact with the OM since the last date has been strictly professional. I obviously have no way to verify this (there are just too many ways for people to secretly communicate these days) but as things are generally much more positive than they were at the height of the affair, I tend to believe her.

I think its important to note that we've never really had a problem getting along and other than the topic of our future, that trend continues. When we're in the car and the conversation is light, we still laugh and joke and are very interested in each others' lives. We are still able to do the activities that we enjoyed together (bike rides, hiking, backpacking, wildlife watching, etc.).

The bottom line is that I feel there is still a lot of love there and am really at a loss as to what I should be doing. I do feel like she gets overwhelmed with some of the affection and attention I have been giving her but because the lack of attention is what supposedly drove her away in the first place, I am not sure the 180 is the right move. Of course now, the situation is reversed in that I desperately want to start a family and she is on the fence. Lastly, because of the past, when she is not with me and comes home late from the gym, work, etc., i get extremely anxious and tense.

I obviously love this woman very much and somewhere inside her, I believe she still loves me very much. I am not interested in this point at saving my pride, being right or proving points. I want to save our marriage. I wanted to get some advice on my general situation from some of the experts here as well as tips on some of my questions in the previous paragraph. Thanks for taking the time to read this post. Any comments/ideas at all are greatly appreciated.

[b]
Over the past 6 weeks or so, my wife and I have been all over the map. She's committed to the marriage one day, and wanting a divorce the next. Admittedly, I have done a horrible horrible job with the chances she has given me. Making demands, snooping, forcing her to talk about the R, basically anything and everything wrong. Last Sunday she said she wants a divorce, sees no hope for us and is done trying. This came about because I snooped and found a message from the OM on her cell phone inviting her out. I confronted her and pretty much made an ass of myself - im sure you all can imagine. She continues with the stance of no more trying and this is the longest she has gone without coming back into the marriage.

We are still living together and still get along fabulously except when we talk about the relationship or I try to push for committment, affection, etc. She has done things that let me know its not completely over yet - our anniversary is in 3 weeks and she has asked me not to cancel our plans, she talks about improvements to the house, still cuddles me when we watch movies or are in bed and gives me a kiss good bye when we leave for work and a kiss good night, still calls me by her pet name for me, etc. However, I still make the classic mistake of reaching for too much when things start to improve.

Earlier in the process, at the advice of my family and posters on the other BB, I retained a lawyer and had her draw up a draft agreement. At our MC session the other day, she asked to have that agreement sent to us for review and possibly signature, to which I agreed (though its not what I want).

I have read a lot of the advice and strategies on here and my initial goals/plan is this:

1. Do not bring up any conversation about our relationship or the OM(they are really the only thing we argue about). If she initiates, keep the conversation short and do not react to ANYTHING (positive or negative) that she says.
2. Over the next two weeks, I would like her to begin wearing her engagement ring again (she took it off on Sunday) and
3. Be patient and accept the little positives and ignore the big (or at least they appear to be big) negatives.
4. I have laid down a boundary that there should be no out of work contact with the OM.

I think thats a nice slow start and welcome any comments you all have.

Lastly, while I have done some of the groundwork on getting divorced, it is not something i agree with or want. Is it ok to tell her that if she wants a divorce, she should be the one to initiate? Even if I have already agreed to have the papers sent to us?

With respect to our anniversary trip, she initially asked me to cancel it but after a talk on Monday night where I described to her some of the ways I felt that I failed her in the marriage and pledged to work on them, she asked that I not cancel it yet. Given the current state of things, is it a good idea to proceed with that trip?