AS: Thanks for your comments and insight. Very helpful. I appreciate it!
I did tell H’s mom not to contact him about any of our sitch, and I don’t talk to her or my parents about it…but she’s found out some stuff on her own. She just isn’t “getting” that he doesn’t care what she says or thinks. He just told me yesterday that “our parents have screwed up our lives and they can go to H***.” So he definitely isn’t in a place to hear anything from any of them.
He thinks they “screwed” up our marriage because in the beginning of this mess, over a year ago, they tried to intervene and talk to him about stuff and just made it all worse. They even called the Sheriff one night, around Christmas time, because he was acting so erratic and said he’d “kill me” if I tried to take the kids and go to my parents. H has never threatened me before or since, but that night, he was a total MONSTER. It was a horrible time for our kids, for me, for our parents….and H still harbors a lot of anger from that.
He just brought that all up again last night. While I’ve tried to move on from it, and tried to forgive him for threatening me, etc….he is the one who can’t forget or forgive anything.
What are some other things I can say, besides “I’m sorry you feel that way” to help diffuse situations. I am liking that one, but don’t want to over use it. Lol. It’s good to be reminded NOT to get too excited about good times. We had a great weekend….really, really good….Then, this week has been HORRIBLE! His moods are all over the place. Last night, I feel like he purposely started a fight right before he left for work. We’d had a good evening, getting along, laughing and joking.
Then, he started being really hateful about 10 minutes before he had to leave. I wish I could say I ignored him, but no, I got sucked in. ARGH! I started crying after he left. I HATE this.
I have got to get better about not reacting to good OR bad stuff coming from him. I need to be more balanced.
A question that may not have answers (I may need a 2X4 here!!!), but how do we KNOW they are ready to work on the M again? He initiated a long talk on Saturday and again, yesterday, about where we’re headed. I tried NOT to talk about it at first, but he kept bringing stuff up and he said that he is not moving out or planning on it now (I know…he could change his mind today….but it’s what he’s been saying since the weekend.)
But, then, he started that fight last night…and he texted me for awhile from work last night about how things can “never be better”…”never be the same”…how are parents have ruined our marriage and it can’t be fixed. He said that I need to let go of my expectations that things will ever be good between us.
In the same conversation, he said he doesn’t want to leave and that we’ll make it work, we’ll just be unhappy forever because I can’t trust him and because he’ll always regret that he can’t be a normal husband.
Also, on Saturday, I asked if he’d be willing to get rid of the second cell phone and he said yes, that he keeps it to spite me. But, yesterday, he brings it up and says he’s not getting rid of it.
I can see why it might be easier if he was not living at home through this!!!! He is totally nice one day and a total grouch the next, regardless of what I’m doing/saying…and he’s so unpredictable.
Is this MLC or WAS (but still at home) behavior??? It seems to matter, here on the boards, which of these our spouse is in…due to the way we need to interact (or not interact) with them.
He is the one bringing up relationship stuff...but about the time it seems he's really read to work on stuff, he starts being hateful and mean again. It's like I'm on shifting sand all the time.
I know, I KNOW! Work on ME, don't worry about him! Lol.
