Thank you so much for your much appreciated perspective. Agreed that my focus should ultimately be on what I want and need to be happy. If my xh isn't able to give that to me, then I need to keep moving on and not look back. I thought that is what I had previously done but as you say, things continually change even when you don't expect them to so just enjoy the ride as much as possible.
I did spend a little time with my xh this past weekend. As I suspected, he is extremely busy at work right now working 7 days a week to keep his business going. While together this weekend, I did push for us to clarify our mutual wants, needs and expectations. I told him I want and need someone more like the man I originally married...caring, considerate, patient, etc. He wants and needs companionship. So, for now the expectation is that we continue moving forward with our individual lives but we will spend time together when we can to see what happens. While he is so busy with work, I asked if daily contact of some kind was a reasonable expectation and he agreed to it. He is texting me daily and we have plans to meet tonight. We'll see...as long as I can keep my head and heart from spinning, I'll be ok.
Snodderly- I was reading through some of my old threads and found this post from 9/12/10...
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Upside, I'm going to share my thoughts on your situation and I hope that I don't offend you....I think part of the problem is that you may be reading way too much into the "words" of what he's saying. Yes, he's saying all of the right things that you want to hear, but the actions are not there. I know that you are hoping that he is near or in acceptance, but I honestly don't think he is. I do think that he is very much aware of what he's saying and he is hoping against hope and time that he can continue to keep you in his life while he tries to get himself straightened out.
This "keeping you on a string" needs to start unraveling or you will never heal. You see, I think that when you are detached and have little contact w/him, you start to heal and feel better about yourself and life. When your h senses that you are moving further away from him and are not there emotionally he knows that he has to step it up and say everything that will bring you right back into his drama. He knows that you still love him and want to reconcile and what better way to keep you right there in his drama, but to say all of the "right words" to keep you there. I think you need to detach even more and just listen to what he says and then let those words bounce right off of you. Until his actiions say otherwise, words mean nothing.
BTW, I'm glad he called your son. At least he did remember what the day is. I wasn't expecting him to call and talk to you....he knows he got what he wanted...you took his bait.
Oh trust me, he knows that if he comes back, he will either have to do the work or he will run once again. This time, if he runs, you very well may not given him another chance. That's why he's still sitting on the fence...he knows he's not ready to return home. I know you want him home and back as a family member, but he's not ready by any means.
Take this time to heal and try to find your footing once again. Always remember, actions speak louder than words.
It is amazing how incredibly right you were. He stuck it out for a year and a half and then ran. Now he's back and saying so many of the exact same things to me. How do I know for sure if my xh has done the work and is finally healthy enough to be a real relationship? I know you say that we will know when their crisis is over but I really thought (or at least wanted to believe) his crisis was ending 3 years ago and it wasn't. I'm hearing some of the same exact words from him this time and seeing some of the same actions. When it comes to my xh, I'm not sure if it will be so obvious.
I've already let him back into my life more than ever thought I would. This time around I need to think with my head instead of my heart so it is understandable that I keep coming back to this question..Can I trust this man not to run again?
