I've truly transformed back to the girl he first fell for--and he's even joked around about it.
Fantastic! That is a sign of good DB'ing right there!
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Question: When you reconcile, do you feel like your roles in the relationship completely change, possibly even reverse?
MWD says in DR that your goal is not to revive your old M. Consider your old M dead and gone. Instead, your goal is to establish a NEW relationship and marriage with your H. Of course it's not the same as dating a stranger because you've got a lot of history with him, but you've grown and changed a lot through your DB'ing and this is going to change the dynamic of the R.
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It feels like the purpose of the separation was accomplished---work on ourselves to figure out what we want and who we want to be--and come back changed. Can anyone relate or has been there?
You've probably changed more than him. Often the LBS does the lion's share of the work in saving the M while the WAS does nothing other than pursue their own selfish desires. So when the WAS expresses interest in working on things, often the LBS is very far along on their journey of growth while the WAS hasn't even started yet. So be prepared, he may yet still be on the roller coaster.
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Another update: H and OW broke up again. Does DBing change? If so, how does DBing change when that happens?
DB'ing does not change until the WAS is well and truly ready to work on piecing. Some aspects of DB'ing are forever (particularly listening/ validating skills) while others should be suspended in piecing (going dim/ dark for example). I assume you're still S'd? If so, try and read through the threads in the piecing forum before considering letting him move back. It'll give you an idea of what to expect. Often the LBS's have lofty expectations when the WAS moves back, and the WAS's ALWAYS fail to meet those expectations. This can lead to resentment in the LBS and sometimes they become the WAS. Read the threads, be prepared for what to expect. Piecing is hard, hard work.
