I'm very new here and to DB. My H left about two weeks ago. I have six kids (19, 17, 14, 12, 6 & 3)--four from a previous marriage where my H was emotionally and at times physically abusive. We were married for 12 years before I was able to leave/escape with the help of my sister, who is pretty much my only family.
I was divorced for 3 years before I married my current H in July 2006. We dated long distance for a year and a half while he was finishing up a school program. He had never been M and had no kids. We were both 38--he had just broken off a 5 yr. R and was thinking he would never get M. I was a single Mom with four kids who never expected someone I liked back to be remotely interested.
Once he moved home we married immediately. It became clear right away that he was tied very closely to his family--particularly his Mom. We've now been married for 7 yrs. and we've gone from being head over heels to hardly being able to talk to each other without arguing. I am constantly catching him in lies ranging from money, to the kids, to his family and friends. He was very generous in the beginning with money, but, has always cut me out of financial decisions. Our finances are now a disaster and we have both had to file bk in order to try to save our business and house.
He has regularly put his family ahead of me. They have not been accepting of me, and feel comfortable openly and privately criticizing and attacking me without H saying a word. He just continues to insist that we spend great deals of time with them while I am treated disdainfully and ignored. I kind of broke down emotionally last Thanksgiving anticipating the Holiday festivities. We argued about our plans, but, did renegotiate arrangements. His mother was very angry and called and texted constantly making him feel guilty. He claims he wasn't angry with me, but, he gave me not even one gift for Christmas and hardly spoke to me. Since then our relationship has deteriorated to almost nothing. Our physical relationship--almost nonexistent.
In response to all our problems, I have tried to "talk" to him. I always truly believed that if we understood each other we would be able to work things out. He perceived the talks to be attacks and criticism. He either sobs or is screaming at me. If I tell him he is hurting me and our relationship, he concludes that I am blaming all our problems on him and calling him an A** ****. I really do just want to fix the problems. But, I do lose my temper. Even so, the fact that I just won't be quiet and grateful for the good things I have has driven him away. He came home two weeks ago and told me that he had a panic attack at work and was leaving.
He stayed with different friends for a week and kept coming back every day for dinner, to see the kids and then leave after they were in bed. He kept saying he just didn't know if he wanted a D or to work in the marriage in C. Right after he left I found e-mails from his Mom in January on his computer outlining her support and insistence that he leave me. She went on to explain how he should take the kids if he could and she and his sister would take care of the kids for him. I don't know if he's been planning this all along ? I definitely know that conversations with her are inappropriate and destructive to our relationship. I've found texts from her implying that my kids don't care about me and referring to me by my EX's last name. When I suggest that we distance ourselves, H is hostile.
We were in MC for about a year--about 1-2 times per month. The counselor basically asked me if I wanted a divorce, and if not, I had to let the lies and disloyalty go--even though they keep happening. For financial reasons and because the therapy didn't seem to be particularly helpful, we decided to try an online M program and some books.
I have since found out that he continued counseling on an individual basis in secret. Last week he told me that the therapist told him that I had Borderline Personality "Traits" though he didn't diagnose me. I burst into tears. Why didn't anyone tell me? How can I work on my problems if they are spoken of in secret? Is that why he's been distancing himself all this time? Because I am crazy? He actually kept trying to comfort me after that and backpedaling. I'm very confused. My ex always told my I was crazy and now I can't make this R work. I have been on anxiety meds for a long time and just recently switched to an anti-depressant which I do feel like has helped make me feel more centered.
I took some online personality tests and I actually tested pretty low as far as BPD goes. But, there is NO doubt that I have had difficulty regulating my emotions and I'm definitely going to work on it.
Two days ago, my sister and boyfriend helped us negotiate a 30 day separation. H was angry because he wanted to take the kids that day to his parents house for dinner and I wouldn't agree because I was so tired of the entitlement and finger snapping from someone who just left me. At one point he actually stated that he was coming home and wouldn't be leaving again until someone dragged him out. It didn't feel like he wanted to come home as much as punish me and get whatever he wanted. He agreed to stay with a neighbor/good friend and I agreed to let him come over every other day to see the kids as long as he agreed to have a time out with his family and not take the kids over.
He said he was willing to go to MC with me. I am looking for a new MC.
I am very discouraged and confused. I love my kids and my family. It is refreshing to read about other people being so open and honest about their difficulties. I started reading DB. Sorry this is so long!! Any words of support and encouragement is much appreciated. You all are very inspiring!
