One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[T1000]

It's not that I can't do the driving or she can't do the driving.

I don't want to do it all. She doesn't want to do any of it.

I want to be a man that doesn't let his XW run rings around him which she is currently doing and only I can stop that.
She has been controlling me for a while now and it's been working very well for her. I'm not saying I want to control her but I don't want to be walked over either.

I could sit here now and think I will do all driving just because W doesn't want to, to me that is giving up. Why should I be running myself ragged, leaving work early and spending hours on the road when she just gets to chill out at home. I'm not having it if I help it.
It's not about punishing her or winning it's about sharing the responsibility.

I did read that book, I loved it because it was so short and to the point.
It's not until I just read them again after you wrote them that I am much closer to being that than I was.

[T1000]

W has always used guilt to control me and it's a hard thing to completely break away from without taking myself down.

Your W says things, the guilt comes from within you. Dig deep, why do you have that guilt? This is what you should be working on, not controlling W but rather why you have guilt that causes you to do things you don't want to do.

Do you use guilt in an attempt to control others? If so, why? I'll be very honest, I used to because that's what I learned as a child. It's not good for R, no matter who that R is with.

I've always looked to others for approval. When I feel guilty I don't have their approval.

I have used guilt in my past yes.

[T1000]

I agree with labug.

A common expression I refer to when things are about to get heated: Is it better to be right or have a happy marriage?

It doesn't mean you are giving in, it more expresses that you care about your spouse's feelings.

I have heard that expression a lot and I do like the saying.
I don't have any M never mind a happy one. Letting W walk all over me isn't going to produce one either.

This might sound harsh but right now I don't care about her feelings. I have my own stuff to deal with.

[labug]

It's not that I can't do the driving or she can't do the driving.

I don't want to do it all. She doesn't want to do any of it.

I want to be a man that doesn't let his XW run rings around him which she is currently doing and only I can stop that.
She has been controlling me for a while now and it's been working very well for her. I'm not saying I want to control her but I don't want to be walked over either.

I could sit here now and think I will do all driving just because W doesn't want to, to me that is giving up. Why should I be running myself ragged, leaving work early and spending hours on the road when she just gets to chill out at home. I'm not having it if I help it.
It's not about punishing her or winning it's about sharing the responsibility.

I did read that book, I loved it because it was so short and to the point.
It's not until I just read them again after you wrote them that I am much closer to being that than I was.

I don't want to do it all. She doesn't want to do any of it.

So you're at an impasse and either one or both will have to make a movement.

I want to be a man that doesn't let his XW run rings around him which she is currently doing and only I can stop that.

So how will you do that? Did you read my post where I said if you can't pick up the kids you can't do it. Be honest, be impeccable with your word, don't use your words to try to get her to do something you think is responsible. Tell her outright, if she disagrees, she disagrees. Then you have a decision to make. Don't paint yourself into a corner with ultimatums.

If you well and truly can't drive every weekend to get the kids then say that. If she can't drive them to you, then you know what you have to do if you want to see them. If you can't, you can't. You say you don't want to have these interactions with W but you continue to engage. If she can't bring them to you, you say fine and you go pick them up or not. There doesn't have to be another conversation about it at all. "Thank you very much, W I can't be there this weekend" or "Thank you very much W, see you on Sunday."

Be honest. Stop the game playing. It's easy.

Who knows what might happen down the road? Just be honest and willing to take the consequences of your actions, whatever they may be.

You have come a long way but you are your roadblock, not your W.

Don't let fear of the unknown cripple you.

[labug]

I could sit here now and think I will do all driving just because W doesn't want to, to me that is giving up. Why should I be running myself ragged, leaving work early and spending hours on the road when she just gets to chill out at home. I'm not having it if I help it.
It's not about punishing her or winning it's about sharing the responsibility.

Giving up what? There's no contest here unless you make it a contest.

[T1000]

I can always pick up my kids. It's not a case of me not being able.

When you say if she disagrees, she disagree and I have a decision to make what do you see as the decision? Seeing my kids or not?

I'm not giving up on her doing her part. I have only just started. I don't see it as a contest, I'm not wanting her to do it for the points, I want her to do it so I can work my job properly, not spend so much time on the road and not feel like a chump.
That isn't chump for picking up my kids but a chump for doing it all while W does not.

[JayMan]

I'm a pretty good waffler, but you've gone back and forth on this for days. I've read your thread, and unless I'm missing something, you should just pick what works.

My XW lives about 3 miles from me so distance isn't necessarily an issue. She has the kids 50% of the time, and when she does, she drives them to school, the store, drops them off at my place. If she drops off, I pick up, and vice versa. I don't pay for her gas or insurance.

What is convenient and fair? Pick that, and tell her that's what it is. Then move on. Unless she has some compelling reason why it'll hurt her, just do it. Be fair but firm, and when she throws a fit, let her get over it.

[T1000]

I'm a pretty good waffler, but you've gone back and forth on this for days. I've read your thread, and unless I'm missing something, you should just pick what works.

My XW lives about 3 miles from me so distance isn't necessarily an issue. She has the kids 50% of the time, and when she does, she drives them to school, the store, drops them off at my place. If she drops off, I pick up, and vice versa. I don't pay for her gas or insurance.

What is convenient and fair? Pick that, and tell her that's what it is. Then move on. Unless she has some compelling reason why it'll hurt her, just do it. Be fair but firm, and when she throws a fit, let her get over it.

What is it you think I'm going back and forth on?

I want her to do some driving, I have told her this. This hasn't changed at all.

I have picked fair and convenient, she doesn't agree. I can only just move on if I let it be as it is.
I can be firmer than a concrete slab, it doesn't change her opinion.
She has thrown fits and I have ignored them. This part is getting much easier.

[labug]

I can always pick up my kids. It's not a case of me not being able.

You aren't able if it interferes with your work or am I misunderstanding? I get that you don't want to do all the driving, I wouldn't either but I would if I had too. This would not be a hill I was prepared to die on. It may be for you.

When you say if she disagrees, she disagree and I have a decision to make what do you see as the decision? Seeing my kids or not?

Yes, for that weekend.

I'm not giving up on her doing her part. I have only just started. I don't see it as a contest, I'm not wanting her to do it for the points, I want her to do it so I can work my job properly, not spend so much time on the road and not feel like a chump.
That isn't chump for picking up my kids but a chump for doing it all while W does not.

What points are you talking about?
You want her to do something so you don't feel like a chump.
Why do you feel like a chump? Does it matter? You're in control of how you feel. Are you concerned that others see you as a chump?

I don't see you as a chump, I see you as a man in a difficult situation trying to do his best.

I would guess for your wife to agree to drive it's going to need to be a win-win situation, something for you, something for her. That's true of most negotiations. If you go into it thinking you have to control her or make her do what's responsible it will fail.

What would your response be if someone demanded you do something you didn't really want to do?

How can it be a win-win?

[T1000]

I can always pick up my kids. It's not a case of me not being able.

You aren't able if it interferes with your work or am I misunderstanding? I get that you don't want to do all the driving, I wouldn't either but I would if I had too. This would not be a hill I was prepared to die on. It may be for you.

I will if I have to, I don't think it's run it's course yet.
What do you see as me dying on the hill?

When you say if she disagrees, she disagree and I have a decision to make what do you see as the decision? Seeing my kids or not?

Yes, for that weekend.

I never have to make that decision if I don't want to.

I'm not giving up on her doing her part. I have only just started. I don't see it as a contest, I'm not wanting her to do it for the points, I want her to do it so I can work my job properly, not spend so much time on the road and not feel like a chump.
That isn't chump for picking up my kids but a chump for doing it all while W does not.

What points are you talking about?
You want her to do something so you don't feel like a chump.
Why do you feel like a chump? Does it matter? You're in control of how you feel. Are you concerned that others see you as a chump?

I don't see you as a chump, I see you as a man in a difficult situation trying to do his best.

You mentioned a contest I'm just stating that isn't why I'm doing this in regards to the points.
I'm not concerned about others at all. I think if I let her walk all over me in this then yes that would make me a chump in my eyes.

I would guess for your wife to agree to drive it's going to need to be a win-win situation, something for you, something for her. That's true of most negotiations. If you go into it thinking you have to control her or make her do what's responsible it will fail.

Why will it fail, if she ends up driving how is that a fail?

What would your response be if someone demanded you do something you didn't really want to do?

How can it be a win-win?

I'm not demanding that she do it, I can't do that. For now I will work some Friday afternoons and she will either get involved or put up with that.

This can't be win-win. Originally when I started doing all the driving it wasn't win-win.