Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[KenF]

and asking questions "HOW CAN...???" questions, its a pointless exercise. you wont get any answers. none of it makes sense.

[MyNewStrength]

I dont believe you messed up. i dont see it that way.

you need to decide if you want to save the M or not. and this should be done with a clear mind and with less emotions.

your feelings and emotions are normal. its ok to be distraught and angry and sad. betrayal is hard to deal with. it damages your ego and beliefs. it really gets to your core.

BUT, do not let your emotions control your actions. or do not let them make your situation worse.

personally, i wish you could tell the OWs husband. i dont know if others would agree with me, but if i were him i'd want to know. i believe people should deal with the fallout of their actions. if your h doesnt want others to know, then he shouldnt have done it. Of course this would make the situation much more chaotic, so you would need to think about it long and hard, and also check with your lawyer to make sure its not illegal.

but for now, get your thoughts straight, talk to your lawyer. decide on the path you want to take.

I am not sure if the marriage is salvageable at this point especially where the h has told me in no uncertain terms and through his action that he does NOT want to be married to me. He wants to be with OW +. Right now I feel like filing on the grounds of adultery and hiring a PI to get the proof for the settlement. However, am I just acting on emotions?

"H, after packing up and before running out the front door turned to me to say, maybe time apart will give us time to clear our heads and we will talk, but do not call or text."

I just turned and cried. He felt no sense of remorse or guilt. I feel like I will fall a lot more before I am able to stand.

I spoke to my lawyer. I can change the locks but since it is jointly titled, he could have it change as well. In addition, it could be seen as me preventing him from our "joint" home since we do not have an agreement in place and he could elect to stop payment on the mortgage and the utilities.

So, I am going to change the keypad code on the garage door. He does not carry house keys, so what will happen is that he will not be able to enter the home without me being here especially if I am not contacting him or responding to him. I am going totally dark to save my sanity.

The question about saving my marriage is troubling me because if it were EVEN possible, would I be setting myself up for him to walk away again and I am not sure if I want to experience that a 3rd time. I pray for myself and him and have done so since he walked away the 1st time, but I am not sure if I can pray for him now because of his treatment of me. But to be have joy in our lives, we must be able to pray for those who have done us wrong. I guess I can pray for him, but it will be a mighty short prayer.
friend

[MyNewStrength]

I woke up in tears.

I trusted and love this man who has hurt me. I believed or thought that if was committed and took care of myself and him, that we could work through anything.

He had or is having an affair and I cannot compete against that. I feel foolish, pitiful, rejected,, and devalued. His conduct has been borderline EVIL. His "mirror" is distorted, so he is unable to truly see himself or reflect with clarity.

My heart hurts for the sorrow and defat I feel, for the love I lost, and for the pain I have endured. Yesterday I was between grief and anger. But now, I only ache.

I pray for God's salvation and deliverance. I did pray for my H, because he is possessed by something not of the human kind. Why do I say this? I have been with him for 15 years. I know his faults, his ways, I basically I know him. He was a kind being and 3 to 4 years ago, he changed. I know he was struggling with something and so my intuition led to the discovery of his affair.

My H knows (and maybe resents) that I know him so well, that is why he tries to deflect his anger and blame onto me. And like an idiot, I have allowed it to happen. So, I need to start looking at him as someone not of this world, someone who mind is clouded with the "fog" as you say.

“You can not change what you don’t acknowledge.” Dr. Phil

Thank you for my tears...

[Not Quitting]

MNS, what you're feeling is only natural. You've been betrayed by the one you love the most. Everyone of us on this forum has felt this way at one time or another, and a lot still do.

You need to start focusing on yourself. You will start to feel better about yourself and your life. You have to remember that you cannot fix or change your H. You only have control over yourself and your life.

Stay strong. You can get through this.

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you NQ. And yes, you are right, we are all going through this and my aches for all of us here. I need to stop having these "pit" moments.

[KenF]

if you are going to change the keypad, let him know. just tell him that if he chooses to leave, then you will change the locks/keypad for your own feelings of security. to do it without his knowledge will only aggravate the situation, and will not help in the long run. it may be legal, it may give you some temporary satisfaction, but it may not be worth the fallout.

in your position, its tough to separate whats done on emotions and whats done on logic. i dont know how to tell you how to determine which is which. its something you need to keep reminding yourself. maybe look at it and think about "Will it give me temporary satisfaction but hurt me in the long run?"

whats very important in all of this is that you do not stoop to his level, or you do not lose who you are, dont be vindictive. dont be petty and small minded. now is not the time for revenge. Protect yourself from the damage. Dont do anything that may make you feel good because it hurts him, but that you may live to regret it later. Always choose the high road. dont give him anything that he can use to justify his decisions - and he will use the smallest most ridiculous things.

He will do enough damage to himself, others will find out and will judge him. He will lie about you and your relationship. Let him. people will know the truth. he will need to live with the outcome of his choices.

after this is all done, whichever way it goes, you will need to live with yourself and your choices. be very thoughtful to not do anything you'll later regret.

i dont believe possession is the right way to look at this. Possession implies that it was out of his control. He made the choice 3 or 4 years ago to have an affair. i believe it was this choice that made him change, whether it was guilt or having to sneak around or the pressure of hiding his affair. i think it's the choice that causes the change, not the other way around. He's an adult and he should deal with the consequences of his actions without hiding behind excuses.

again, trust your lawyer, and do what he says. protect yourself financially. dont do anything that can be used against you.

[AnotherStander]

I am very distraught still at this moment as my mind cannot wrestle with the fact that this imposter, liar, and cheater has actually accused me of being the aggressor.

I asked before and you didn't reply, are you seeing an IC? You mentioned in your first post that you had serious anger issues (including throwing soup cans at your H) that you "successfully addressed over a 36 month intense therapy period", but it sounds like those serious anger issues are front and center right now. Please get help ASAP, in the next couple of days if possible. You're in a lot of pain and you need tools to process that pain. Anger is NOT the right path.

[MyNewStrength]

I do have an IC. And I will tell him that I changed the code.

I am not angry like I was years ago. I am devastated and in pain. I have never lied to my H but he lied and deceived me. That is the hurt.

But as everyone has told me, don't be vindictive, but I will protect myself from his assaults. At this point I can only take care of me.

[MyNewStrength]

It has been a busy day. I am getting a new attorney because I am not getting a good feeling about the one I hired. He is not taking my case as seriously as I think he should. While I think he gave good advice, he is saying that I should not do anything. I guess I am wondering why not. He says that because my H has not issued anything, there is no need. What do you think?

I spoke to a new lawyer today and have a consultation with her tomorrow. I have kept my distance from H. No calls, no emails, and no texts.

However, the lawyer today told me that I should change the keypad passcode back to what it was because it could exacerbate his anger toward me and that she wants me to take the high road if she takes on my case (an advice that I also got from KenF - so thank you). She would prefer to take an action that gives me exclusive rights to the home (which is what I told my lawyer I wanted, but he was a little reluctant).

So right now I am back into the garage to reset it. I hope everyone suffering through their WS's fog are doing well today. THANK YOU for the support and assistance because I really appreciate it.

MNS

[MyNewStrength]

Well I rest the garage keypad back to the previous code. I see a new attorney today. I will hopefully additional insight or an alternative approach to dealing with D.

Trying to keep my mind focused on me although I have thought about H. Big day at work - will keep me busy and my mind focused before my appt. I have an IC apt tomorrow, so I think and hope that you all agree that I am working on me.

Have a good morning!