...and would I ask an abused woman what she did to bring on the abuse? No. But I would ask her what it was that attracted her to this man. I'd ask her how she interpreted his behaviours. For example, women I have known professionally and personally who have suffered such abuse will say that they saw his jealousy, possessiveness, controlling nature as love. Would you think that a man who calls you twenty times a day, asking where you are and who you are with etc is loving? They do. Also, abusers pick their victims just as any other predator does. They look for weakness and vulnerability to exploit. If you were a purse snatcher and you have the choice of an frail elderly lady walking alone on an unlit street or a young athletic looking woman walking on a well crowed well lit street, which would you pick? Abusers work the same way. So yes, your W may be an emotionally abusive person but that is why I ask you to look at what drew you to that type of person, what was she competing in you? If you recognize it, you can fix it. The reality is abused people will often repeat the same experience in the next R because they haven't dealt with what drew them to that in the first place. Don't let that be you!
...and to continue my robo-posting here, even when the lady feels, for example, all his phone calls are a bit overboard she'll tell herself that he's just so in love with her and he'll change when he realizes how committed and loyal she really is. Fat chance! She will legitimize the negative behaviour. Abusers also work slowly, it starts with little tests and if those fly it escalates. A slight nudge becomes a push, a push becomes a slap and a slap becomes a punch,and they'll never do it again! Same with emotional abuse. Anyway, enough of my thoughts here. I just hope they help. Also, I am not professionally trained in abuse so what you are reading now are my experiences and exposure to such situations. Take it for what it's worth.
Something does have to change. What is the only thing you have control over?
My question is, why did you continue the conversation after you said you'd get a sitter?
What was driving you?
Rock, I asked a question, and your answer was you thought you could talk her out of it. It seems you wanted to push your agenda on her, you wanted to be right. You could have stopped, knowing that discontinuing a conversation that's escalating doesn't mean you agree it just means you'll revisit later. She did what you thought was wrong anyway, so what did you gain?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
you seemed to be asking if it's possible that you were a fine h and though slightly flawed -no matter
You are saying that even if you had been perfect, she'd leave anyhow...that it's pretty much all her.
That YOUR real mistake was marrying the wrong person.
I truly think that your statement^^ there, will doom you in your future r's...
b/c it makes you powerless over relationships you are in.
It is POSSIBLE to have a totally one sided marital breakdown, but I have only seen it rarely. In fact only Once that I can think of. And your behavior since the bomb, when you repeatedly involve other people in your marital problems, (fb and the church)
and the way you cling to your belief that you are completely right abut it, and how you show literally NO insight into why we feel as we do, (which is a bit of a theme in your posts.
The inability to see two points of view as possibly equal in value, that your bias and ratioalizations are just as dangerous as your wife's, is harmful to your growth).
You have made statements that you'd "Do the same things all over again" no matter how many of us are horrified by it, and to me, that
shows me a man who wants to be declared "right".
A man who has not learned much, except elsewhere you admit that your r's with your d's were pretty shallow before.
You realize it now, and you are glad to be getting closer to them.
But when I asked what YOU WOULD do differently, you never mention being a better dad, even though elsewhere you admit you have gotten much closer to your d's, and I think closer to your father too.
So it Sounds as if You had too little intimacy with anyone, not just your w.
So that's why I doubt you played no role in this. Sorry.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have to say that I agree with 25yrsmlc and labug. What's happening to you is what happens to many LBS who have been at this for awhile. All of the good points of the M are now starting to fade from your memory. There was alot of mindreading going on about how you think your W felt.
The thing is that you're always going to get varying pieces of advice. You just need to decide what would work. In fact, when we commented on the church issue with you, you argued back that what you did was right and your situation quickly degraded.
Now I'm not saying that one person's advice is better than others, it's up to you to see what creates the least amount of impact for your kids. You say that you're compassionate towards your W, that you care for her, etc. But some of your actions have shown differently. Sometimes it just seems like your pride gets in the way. Just my opinion.
I hope your children have a better time coping.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
DO NOT MOVE OUT UNTIL YOU HAVE AN AGREEMENT ON CUSTODY!!!!!!!!!
This was my biggest, biggest mistake.
I thought XW would miss me and want me back so I moved into a friend's house. I couldn't have the kids that often.
Then after three months I moved into a Townhouse and we settled into a situation where I have them 5 days out of 14.
When the actual divorce started I wanted 50/50 custody. In my state, a judge will never ORDER 50/50. If forced, the judge will pick one side or the other.
My attorney told me by agreeing to let her have primary custody initially I now had to prove to the court that she was unfit to get custody.
He said I could spend $20k fighting it but was likely to lose.
One of my best friends did it another way. When he and his ex sat down he said he wanted 50/50. One week with her, one week with him.
She said no and tried to move on to other subjects they could agree on. He said, no, it's 50/50 or they could just go to court now because he wasn't going to discuss anything else until she agreed to 50/50.
She caved. He got 50/50.
I wish, oh how I wish I'd have been stronger at the start.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Mr Bond and 25 - I have read your posts several times and given them a lot of thought. I just disagree. You don't know my W. I did want you to know that I value your perspective even though I don't agree with it.
The last month has been difficult; lots of arguments and conflict. Shortly after my last post, my L sent out a draft of the D agreement. She received it on Mon 9/16, and reviewed it with her lawyer on 9/19. She called me from her L’s office and we agreed in principle to the remaining disagreements. Her L called my L stating that we had agreed to terms and that we could start living the custody agreement (50/50 w/alternating weeks) immediately. My L sent me a letter via email on 9/20 giving me the go ahead to move out. I moved in with my dad (1 mile away) on Sat 9/21.
My W kept the kids the first week while I got the rooms setup. I had them the weekend of 9/28-9/30. I took them to Target to buy window treatments, new bedding, and some other stuff to decorate their rooms. That sure was expensive! They have been going to my dad’s for years, but I think the new stuff really made them feel like the room was now theirs.
I got both D12 and D14 cell phones so I could text and call them without having to go through my W. I setup a GMAIL account where I entered the custody schedule and all the kids activities into the calendar. I have seen my kids almost every day and my W keeps calling me asking me to pick up/drop off the kids to and from their activities. She acts like nothing has changed.
This week 10/4 – 10/20 was the first week as a single parent with my kids in the new house. I am not sure how to manage clothes in a 50/50 arrangement, so I took the kids shopping and we got the basics (Socks, underwear, pajamas, etc…) They now have a base of clothes at my house that they don’t have to move every week.
Getting them to and from school is tough. Even though my new house is only 1 mile away, it is out of district so I don’t have bus service. The 3 kids attend 3 different schools (elementary, middle, high school) with 3 different start/end times. I have a family friend with kids in the same schools who is helping me out. Things are going pretty well, but I think it is going to take time to get into a routine.
Life is moving forward and I am beginning to see the end of the tunnel. I received a letter from my L with the list of changes my W and I agreed to. We will have a court date sometime in Nov where a judge will sign off on the agreement, and our divorce will be final Jan 1, 2014.
Lots happening in your life RockJC! When I moved out I felt relieved and felt a new chapter in my life was about to begin. Some feel guilty when they feel a sense of relief but, if you did, it's perfectly normal. As far as clothes, my ex and i made up a budget for how much would be spent yearly on the kids clothing. She kept track of it and I submitted whatever bills I had and she would do the same. We tally up expenses each month and split the costs. Sometimes she owes me and sometimes I owe her. Part of effective co-parenting is putting aside the anger, hurt etc and concentrating on making the kids transition as healthy as possible. That can unite rather than divide. Good luck and congrats on making your big move. I know how difficult it is. All the best.
