Unlearning conflict avoidance 5

[25yearsmlc]

Okay, I slept upstairs last night, without any further blowback from W. What is the next challenge? If I am going to lose my W, how can I become a better person, learn something, get stronger, in doing so? I owe my daughter this.

Luke, you have already lost your wife. Now it's about not losing yourself. YOU JUST DO IT.

You have so little self respect and I cannot imagine what that shows your d. But you DO have a chance at change and showing your d that change has to be worth it.

You say you are not good at conflict. NO ONE HERE LIKES IT, seriously. But it's adult behavior. I don't know how you escaped ever needing to resolve conflict while growing up, maybe you were an only child. But for years now, you have avoided conflict so much that it made nearly everything WORSE.

WHen you stopped sleeping together, i asked you what reason she gave. You said you "never asked"....in all those YEARS??

Think about that. A wife stops sleeping with her h, has him kicked out of the room and you never asked her why....you never expressed your needs or how they are not met...you lack ANY intimacy with her and never discuss it. I think the issue of losing her has been answered. As she drifted farther and farther away, you were so afraid of taking ANY stand, she just kept drifting off and now seems too far away.

You want to know what you risk by standing up for yourself? You risk far more by NOT standing up for yourself. You need to see this.

So what are you afraid of losing? Your d will be moving off to college soon enough. Your w is making plans for the house to be sell better (hence the renovations) and you are ....just watching.

Show your d a man she'll want to spend time with, or she'll see you as the butler too.


How to be pro-active toward W?

Again, I am very thankful to you all,

Luke

What were your plans after the workshop? You had an action plan. Did you think then you'd save the marriage or you'd learn to stand up for yourself?

IF there is any chance of a reconcilation and I'm NOT saying there is, then it would be by your w seeing real change in you. She'll first react negatively, but it will trouble and eventually intrigue her.

But you cannot care about that. THis is for you. I know it's a paradox, but you must value yourself more.

Also don't you earn the bulk of the family income? How will SHE make it financially without you? And please stop talking about living in "the cellar" unless it has windows and is a real apartment. It sounds like a large house and she has relegated you for so long, you got used to it.

My advice is, Don't get used to alienation from your family. Sandi's words are true and spot on. Read her post again.

Don't enable your w to benefit more by staying married to you longer, legally, while not being married to you in any other way.

IS your T helping you understand your inherent worth? I know the specifics she gives you about how to create a social event are helpful, but there are deeper issues here going on. If you were once a happy man, a strong man and I know you are a gifted smart man, then what happened that you became a scared mistreated male, so frightened of his cold wife's disapproval that he'd sleep downstairs b/c she put HIS sleepwear downstairs...and let his daughter see that for years?

You have only one or two years left with your d in the home. What do you want her to see in you? What kinds of change do you want to show her? Hurry up and make those changes.

And Why NOT talk to your French friend a bit? You need to talk in real life to someone. Be discreet, no character assassination but yes, discuss...

and talk to your d! Let her get to know you - and you get to know her, away from your w.

You have my number so when you are in the US then feel free to call and we can discuss that too.