Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[AnotherStander]

I was reading a bible lesson on having balance between faith and conduct. When these 2 are out of sync, or unbalanced, you can never experience happiness. Well my H is living out of balance because his conduct (having affairs, lying, betrayal, and deceit) conflicts with who he project to the world.

Perhaps you should apply that lesson to yourself instead of your H since DB'ing is all about working on ourselves and leaving our spouses alone to sort through their issues. Do you feel your recent conduct was appropriate? Or is it unbalanced and out of sync with your faith? Remember what Jesus said about removing the splinter from your neighbor's eye? What are you supposed to do BEFORE you do that?

[MyNewStrength]

All I am losing it. Please help. Here is what I got from my H this morning.

Wife,

I talked to my lawyer this morning about what happened between us yesterday. She advised me that if I chose, I could have the court issue a protective order against you that would order the cessation of the violent behavior and require you to move out of the house. I'm not going to do that. My lawyer also advised me to move out. I am going to do that.

I can't understand why or how you recorded me talking to other people. If your hope is to use that to prove something in the court proceedings, all it will prove is what ever it represents, sate it for the record, it will not have any affect on the outcome of the division of the assets in the state of Virginia. And, the act of you recording me without my consent is a felony in Virginia, with jail time. So you should think carefully about what you want to do with it.
http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations
http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/virginia-recording-law

You know that I had hoped we could work through this like two adults, friends, without the adversarial behaviors, without the violence. I have been trying to do that and you keep resisting. I want the best possible outcome for the both of us and for us to achieve that as quickly and painlessly as we can, for the both of us. Having to work this through the lawyers is also going to cost us thousands of dollars. I would still prefer us to work out the agreement. Only now, I insist we do that via email. No more phone calls. No more texts. No more harassment. And if you prefer, I guess we'll work it through our lawyers. Your choice.

We'll work out some times for me to get my stuff down the road - so you don't have to be there when I do.

I need to provide my your lawyer's contact info if it has changed. Please let me know. My lawyer is XXXX, XXXXXXX, in case I hadn't already provided that info to you.

Please send me an email to let me know you received this.

XXXXXX, please let us do this as friends, adults and friends.

Husband

[MyNewStrength]

^^^bump

[JayMan]

You've allowed your H to get you right where he wants you. My W has done this to me before - I found out about an EA, and confronted her with the phone calls and texts. She then insisted that she had done nothing wrong, they were just friends, etc, and she used my outburst/anger to file divorce. She was the same way - very matter of fact, very calm; because I think they enjoy blaming us for something even though they're the ones in an affair and destroying a marriage.

First of all, unless your state is not like mine, it's VERY rare that an order like that is issued; or if it is, it's short-lived. My W has said the same thing, and I've heard it said to many others. It is mostly gobbledy-gook meant to control and scare you. My W's attorney filed on ridiculous grounds and asked for 60% of my gross income - it was a joke, just meant to scare me. It made me actually both get POed and laugh at the same time.
The courts are much more likely to take into account an affair - it's VERY heavily frowned on in my county.

So don't freak out. You messed up. It happens. Take a deep breath. Personally, I would wait a couple of days to respond. H now thinks he has you running scared, and is gonna push it hard. If you calmly respond with the appropriate information, but wait a couple of days, you take a little wind out of his sails, regain your composure, and get back in the saddle!

[JayMan]

I should clarify: I meant to say orders like that get issued all the time, but are boiler-plate and rarely enforced, unless you continue throwing things at H! My W has one on me that says I can't even contact her, but she has called and texted me a lot.

Also, I'm not an attorney, and I don't play one on TV.

[KenF]

first, speak to your lawyer about it. give your lawyer his email, the recordings, etc and discuss what to do with it and the legality of it.

then take a step back and decide what to do.

if he lied to you, he lied to his lawyer also. from now on, just stay away and dont let him goad you into any arguments. if he's intent on a D, then let him.

your sole job now is to protect yourself. take notes, write a diary on what he says and does. do not say or do anything that could be taken as aggressive against him. do not put anything in writing or an email that he can use against you. if he txts or emails anything, send it to your lawyer.

but most important, let the lawyers work through this.

what he did is unacceptable. his anger and lashing out is most likely due to his own feelings of guilt. you were not gullible, you were lied to. and personally i feel your anger is justified.

find what you're truly responsible for, and fix yourself. let him go off on his own path.

[MyNewStrength]

JonF and KenF. I messed up. Thank you for your words. I am very distraught still at this moment as my mind cannot wrestle with the fact that this imposter, liar, and cheater has actually accused me of being the aggressor. While I should not have thrown a shoe at him, (and he told me that I also threw the remote (but I do not remember that), he threatened to have an injunction issued against me if I were to call the OW, tell the OW husband, or call his job.

I could NOT believe my ears. Then he said he would rather be a liar and cheat. Who says that!!!!

I am crying for everything I have lost, how I have been treated, how I could have forgiven him the first time to be betrayed and treated with the kind of evil that is truly heartbreaking.

I called my lawyer and left him 2 messages. He is with a client until 4:00 pm EST. I want to change the locks, I want to not be here anymore to deal with this, and I want him to suffer a little. I spoke to my boss today because I am not going to work tomorrow. I can't. And if I have to see my lawyer I hoping tomorrow. I will file now for adultery. and then hire a PI to get the proof as a part of the settlement. I am so hurt that I am numb right now.

I am dying inside of raw emotions - how could a HUMAN BEING...a human being with feelings and emotions cause this unbearable pain and grief? It is not likely that I could ever recover from his vial attacks and treatment. (Oh, by the way, when he left after coming home to pack, he said for me never to contact him by phone or text; he is only going to communicate via email). He has the power.....I could not say or do anything but cry...

I know I will have to lift my head up at some point, but I am truly at a lost...of myself.

[Not Quitting]

Take a deep breath MNS. You've done all you can at this point. Wait for your L to call you back. If your H calls, texts or emails, DO NOT respond until you've spoken to your L.

You are stronger than this. Right now you're battling your emotions and they're winning. That's to be expected. You are not alone, always remember that. Take some time and concentrate on yourself; right now that's all you can do.

[woody112]

You are not alone is right. I am thinking and praying about you and your sitch this very moment.

Hang on there!

[KenF]

I dont believe you messed up. i dont see it that way.

you need to decide if you want to save the M or not. and this should be done with a clear mind and with less emotions.

your feelings and emotions are normal. its ok to be distraught and angry and sad. betrayal is hard to deal with. it damages your ego and beliefs. it really gets to your core.

BUT, do not let your emotions control your actions. or do not let them make your situation worse.

personally, i wish you could tell the OWs husband. i dont know if others would agree with me, but if i were him i'd want to know. i believe people should deal with the fallout of their actions. if your h doesnt want others to know, then he shouldnt have done it. Of course this would make the situation much more chaotic, so you would need to think about it long and hard, and also check with your lawyer to make sure its not illegal.

but for now, get your thoughts straight, talk to your lawyer. decide on the path you want to take.