Thanks folks. I guess my comments really aren't seeking much feedback, more thoughts let out. As far as the lease, back a couple of weeks ago when she came back, we actually both agreed it was good for her to keep the lease, and force us to take several months to work on stuff before we got back together as a family and took on those requirements again. We only dated 5 months before getting married, so this would be a better amount of time to hammer out our relationship. Also, W has always had help with kids, a good income, and she's struggling to find full-time work, and has no one to help her with the kids.
But I do think you're right about going dark - every time I go dark, she really responds. And W told the guy that she would never date him, they'd never have a relationship, etc - and the way her mind is right now, she'd have no problem letting him help her and thinking nothing of it. She'd just say "thanks, have some pizza". Basically using him for heavy labor. The flip side is she's probably using me as well, at least to the degree that she's keeping me around.
However, I think things will change quickly once Friday comes and I don't contact her. A lady that went through almost W's situation - divorced at 28, single mom with two kids. Married later on, and facing divorce after 3 years (like we are) and she and her husband reconciled and have an amazing marriage. She contacted me and said she felt like God was pressing her to call W and share her story. It was a great moment when you sometimes feel a bit alone or like no one cares.
Regardless, I'm dark. I may have to contact once at the end of the week because of divorce proceedings, but it'll be short, direct, and via email with no discussion. I feel good, detached, got through the worst of it. Our sons go to the same private school, and I even drove past her this morning, and was like, "Oh well."
Regardless, I'm dark. I may have to contact once at the end of the week because of divorce proceedings, but it'll be short, direct, and via email with no discussion. I feel good, detached, got through the worst of it. Our sons go to the same private school, and I even drove past her this morning, and was like, "Oh well."
Great, that's the frame of mind you want to stay in. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if you post Sunday or Monday that your W never even brought it up all weekend, that would be typical. WAS's will often set some date up for a "big talk" and then when the date arrives they develop amnesia. It's best to just continue your DB'ing and have no expectations that a talk will even take place.
I'm doing well today; zero desire to text W, even though we've been texting/talking for over a week, multiple times a day. Taking kids to school and S11 to football practice took me right past W's new apartment - right past that road anyway, so I found a new route.
W is being very odd. I emailed her at 10;30AM about bumping up our cell coverage and she is VERY much on the spot about getting stuff done, and I've heard nothing from her. She will tend to be a bit stand-offish on relationship stuff, but never on "business". Also, prior, she was very adamant about cutting off her cell phone from our family plan, but it expired today, and she didn't even mention even though we both got an email notice.
Really, though, I don't care. I have issues to deal with D13 and S11, and right now, they loom large in my life. W is sort of becoming a distant annoyance, although I really don't want to cycle back to where I become the WAS.
Woohoo, a full 48 hours of going dark! Sometimes it makes me think I'm a little pathetic, but I'll take these small wins. Baby steps, you know!
The good thing is that W has said many times that she would "come back" except she needs time and space to think, especially with moving and starting a new job. So this will take away the excuses, and I believe let me know if it's really time to drop the rope; which I'm pretty sure it is. W may come around over the next 6-8 months, but unfortunately, it's not really worth waiting around for.
It stings a little today - just this limbo crap. I'm the type that would rather just take the punch and get it over with; but I remember that this starts to fade a little bit every day. Friday was a 10/10, today's it's a 4/10. I'm pretty sure the next "spike" will be a 2/10 and so on. So it's good. One day at a time.
You know, after being called out on it, that's not true. I think I'm just hitting that detaching moment where you finally peel off the band-aid, and it stings. I sound a little like Eeyore in that post!
I think that's what I hate - when my thoughts turn to the marriage, her, reconciling - I turn into Eeyore. When I'm not, I'm ME. A guy that everyone loves, has a great time, is happy, optimistic, fun. I hate that I'm not me anymore, and it's all because of this crap.
So, I guess I need to stop worrying about it, or worrying about what W is going to do, and go be ME! How's that?
its taken me a few days to read thru all the responses in this post. Then I wanted to take a day to form a response.
There sure is a lot of "going dark" in your posts. but theres hardly a day that both of you haven't talked or texted.
There sure seems to be a lot of retaliation going on as well. A lot of he said/she said stuff, that only makes the roller coaster feel like it gets higher/lower and much faster.
You seem to defend yourself an awful lot, sometimes in a way you think your doing right or making up for things past. Then in other ways that your not satisfied with responses/accusations and need to protect yourself.
If you feel going dark for 48 hours is a small win, then you certainly are NOT detached enough to think that moving on or making it work is you still trying to convince yourself of your control in the situation. You have no control!
Either you allow yourself to get sucked back in, or you go out of your way to get yourself back in. This isn't a chess match, you make a move, let her make her move, back and forth you both go. In the roughly 3 weeks this thread was opened, there's hardly a day that you haven't had contact. It almost seems that you go out of your way to have contact, even if you know its going to be negative.
What I think is truly missing here, is time apart. Lets face it, she wouldn't have moved out, then gotten her own apartment (much less a one year lease) if she didn't need some time and space AWAY from you. And you from her. Your both to close to the situation, but coming from different ends of the spectrum. Some how you think your meeting in the middle on occasion.
Does she know what she wants, of course not. But at no time is she really facing any decisions either. You cannot fix her, you cannot speed the process. You HAVE to let her walk her path. She hasn't had a chance to "miss" anything about you. I think if you go back to the beginning and read your posts, nothing has changed.
Granted, I guess it can happen, but I haven't seen a marriage on this site reconcile in under a year. Also from your first posts, she's still dealing with issues from her Ex, I don't think she's worked on much, at least not enough, within herself to be honest. She's brought some past issues into this new marriage. She might be the type of person that just cant be alone. Insecure? Abandonment issues? Who knows? But you cant fix them anyways. I also think you have some control issues yourself. I'm sorry that im being blunt, i'm not trying to add fuel to the fire here, but you both have a LOT of work to do on yourselves FIRST. I'm not sure either of you are really working on that part of it enough to be working together on anything else.
You say you dated 5 months before getting married, how much do you really think you know about her? I think your finding out now, not as much as you think. I feel your hurt, and I know that you think YOU know your becoming detached, but your still to early in this to be. I've been there, I've talked myself into conviction so many times it became a joke within myself. Time seems to be the only cure of this.
You still seem very angry or disappointed when you've done your part, but she hasn't in your mind. Those expectations ramp up your emotions. Understandable, but it obviously isn't solving anything either. Just more back and forth. You must figure out a way to stop that cycling. This is the hardest part, being honest enough about your own emotions/turmoil, looking within yourself. I don't know if this helps, but you know your riding the roller coaster, but you truly need to act like your standing in the hot dog line instead. Its a façade, fake it till you make it. You must also stop trying to put ANY kind of timeline on this if you want it to work out. Are you willing to wait a year or two? you can have your bad days in between of course, but the goal must be set in your mind.
You are either going to stand for your marriage or not, when you've finally come to that decision you will know, there will not be a second you waffle about it. Right now, you just ordered yourself extra with blueberry toppings and whipped cream. You obviously want your marriage, now put in the work, on yourself. Give her the time SHE needs to figure out her own guilt/issues/responsibility in it. You cannot do any of that for her.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I'm gonna have to take some time to digest that. I actually went back and read through my whole thread. I'm sort of surprised that W has turned around so much honestly with my barely keeping the rules much.
