One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[T1000]

I know you don't want to play that card, but it is the only thi g that will make her do part of the driving. I say call her bluff and tell her the only way you can do three weekends is if does her share of the driving. You know she will, b/c she can't stick it out a single week without calling you to rescue her. Don't be scared you aren't going to get the kids plenty, b/c you will have them every time you turn around.

Yes, by all means respond by telling her she has to drive!

Btw, how do you know she's not lying about the insurance being twice the amount you were paying? It make be the makings of her asking for more money in the near future.

I'm not ready to play that card yet.

I sent this:
"Hi,

I would put the fuel in your car. I still think you should do some of the driving.

I will be working later on some Fridays."

I will see what comes back.



The insurance was £?? per month. That was with me as the main driver, 19 years experience, 18 years without a claim and parked on a private drive in a nice neighbourhood.

She's been driving 4 years, no years without a claim to her name and parked on the road in a semi rough area near a town centre.

Being double came as no surprise. I went online and did a quote as if i was her and it was more like triple per month. I was impressed with how a low quote she got (unless she lied on it).

She can ask for more money, she isn't getting anymore than the price I was already paying.

[completelylost]

T, been reading your sitch for a few months now. And i'll jump right in. I was married to a person like this for 12 years(1st M) and to be honest part of the reason i'm here now is because I let her dictate TOO much of this marriage. Sandi is so on point with her thoughts. This woman still to this day and we've been divorced for 8 years still use my kids as a weapon. Ex I pay child support and winter time hits she sends the kids to my house no coats, WHY? because she knew I would just go buy them. And that is minor compared to all that has happened, i'd need more hard drive space to tell it all.

She knew my dad left me and I vowed to NEVER be that guy and she used it against me every chance she got, even though it was her who cheated and left with my kids. It was me who went against fighting anything: Her taking the kids and moving so on and so forth, because I didn't wanna rock the boat or make my kids upset that i'd take them from their mother(Her words). So I did like i'd done all through our history together, bowed down and let her have her way. To put it bluntly I created a monster and I was dealing with it. I even cosigned a car for her because she said she had to have "my kids" ride to school with people I didn't consider to be law abiding citizens. So with that I help her get a car,(LEXUS at that stupid me) that she allowed to be reposessed and this is post divorce. It wasn't until maybe a year ago I saw the light. I'm a damn good father, i've NEVER missed a game, conference, back to school night or swim meet. My kids are older now (14,12,11) so that helps and they know i'm always there and that's all that matters to me.

I know you have to get to that point but PLEASE heed sandi, she will drive if you make that a requirement, I know because I had to make my XW accountable. But she knows T is a GREAT dad and HE will come get his kids. I know you might wanna believe different but she is who she is. Stop arguing with her respond with clarity and authority and just watch how things change. The ball is in your court. This isn't about making her suffer either it's about a responsibility to co parent effectively, and it doesn't matter if she has the kids all the time or "more than you" that wasn't your choice so don't wear that outfit it doesn't fit you bro.

[sandi2]

Why are you afraid to tell her, T? Do you really think she won't let you see them?

[Maritimer]

Hey T1000, I am having similar issues with the mother of my children. She has never dropped them off at my place, Actually its only been recently that she let me have the kids over to my place!

For me I dont want to "rock the boat" because she could lawyer up and the legal system scares me, financially , emotionally and historically speaking not fair towards the fathers. I want all my ducks in a line before we head to the courts.

Your dedication as a father is inspirational! Keep it up!

[T1000]

@completelylost:

Thanks for the input. I do need to get this sorted.

I have been getting quite tough with W compared to how I was.

Tbh it's not the rocking the boat as much anymore. It's more the guilt.

I love this:
"it doesn't matter if she has the kids all the time or "more than you" that wasn't your choice so don't wear that outfit it doesn't fit you bro."

Thanks!

[T1000]

@Sandi

To be honest about it no I don't think she will stop me from seeing them. I do think if pushed she will put temporary obstructions in my way.

I chose to use the Friday afternoon working because it is real and something that I have noticed at work. My fellow colleagues in the same position are doing more hours than I am and it's because of the Friday afternoons. The colleagues are my brothers and that is why I get away with it but considering the W and the kids are just sat there waiting for me it makes zero sense.

This might push her enough because it will mean on some Fridays she will either have to drive herself or wait longer than the drive would take. Even might have to get them the Saturday morning.

W has always used guilt to control me and it's a hard thing to completely break away from without taking myself down.

I know that I am doing a good job but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way. It will take me time to get past this sticking point for me.

[T1000]

@Maritimer

It is difficult when you feel in limbo not just with W but with your kids and the law and where it all could end up.
Fathers definitely get the poor end of the stick.

I appreciate your kind words.

[labug]

So T, is this about being a good father to your children or teaching your W a lesson? I get confused. And if you and your W get D, and you have strong boundaries, why does this thing matter so much?

How is this

The only power I have involves me using the kids to see them less, if she calls me on it to prove a point where does that leave me?

any different from what you say she's doing? How does this help your kids?

I know I asked long ago what kind of man you want to be. It's in these moments that the character of a person really shows through.

It seems you want to through kerosene on the fire to put it out. The battle you are fighting has nothing to do with your kids it has to do with who has the supposed power in the R. You and W are the kids in the backseat of the car again.

What is it you really want?

If you well and truly can't drive every weekend to get the kids then say that. If she can't drive them to you, then you know what you have to do if you want to see them. If you can't, you can't. You say you don't want to have these interactions with W but you continue to engage. If she can't bring them to you, you say fine and you go pick them up or not. There doesn't have to be another conversation about it at all. "Thank you very much, W I can't be there this weekend" or "Thank you very much W, see you on Sunday."

You said upthread you want to try and make her responsible. Who is the one person you control? How does trying to control people usually work out?

There was another book I suggested you read, The Four Agreements:
Be impeccable with your word.
Don't take anything personally.
Don't make assumptions.
Always do your best.

Don't use your children as bargaining chips. They didn't ask to be put in the middle of this.

[labug]

W has always used guilt to control me and it's a hard thing to completely break away from without taking myself down.

Your W says things, the guilt comes from within you. Dig deep, why do you have that guilt? This is what you should be working on, not controlling W but rather why you have guilt that causes you to do things you don't want to do.

Do you use guilt in an attempt to control others? If so, why? I'll be very honest, I used to because that's what I learned as a child. It's not good for R, no matter who that R is with.

[Pudmuddle]

I agree with labug.

A common expression I refer to when things are about to get heated: Is it better to be right or have a happy marriage?

It doesn't mean you are giving in, it more expresses that you care about your spouse's feelings.