Not sure whats happening?

[FlyOnTheWall]

2taC,

I think the romance is, at least in my case, to early. We're still in the friends stage, the co-parenting stage, the no pressure stage, the no expectation stage. And, most importantly, the i'm still working on me stage, that work will never stop, as it will always be there to reinforce the changes. Like the story goes, be patient cause actions are worth a LOT more than words. Its like novocaine, give it time, it eventually kicks in if your doing it right, if not change what your doing wrong.

Since I was out of town for 10 days doing a custom kitchen, with no internet (gulp, that was hard) I really need to go back and catch up on some sitches.

Hope all is going well for everyone, or as steady as can be expected. Eventually the highs and lows of the roller coaster flatten out, by your choice, or just acceptance of the sitch.

[Ambivalent]

Fly,

I'm fairly new here, but will come from another point of view.

I have an MLC run a way. If he came to me and said, I would be fine with moving back home, but not to expect anything right away, I'm still confused about a lot of things...

I think I would be v e r y wary. It would sound to me as if he was settling for me. Do you have an IC? Are you ready ? What do you want? Has your W asked you how you feel about it?

Just hearing ..."I would be fine..." says to me she is still not sure.

Don't get me wrong, but I can remember having all sorts of feelings during my 31 years plus 3 more dating. There were times when I was not "in love", had "could care less" feelings and even felt hate. I never asked him to leave. I knew they were within me, and it was my place to resolve them. She seems a bit scared, and somewhat restless,so I would go very slow.

Remember you also have a lot of feelings that have been bottled due to DBing and your IC may help you with those as well.

Mostly, good luck! This is a wonderfully BIG step in the right direction!

[littleGTO]

Hi, Fly,

I have to say I agree with ambivalent! I wouldn't move back in UNTIL your W is committed to working on your M and herself (IC).

Considering you have children I disagree w Accuray to have a "back up" apartment ready to move back out if boundaries are crossed. I believe this is the WORST thing to confuse children.

I have been S for 10 months now & recently my H through out the idea of moving back in for "the sake of the family," not b/c he was ready to commit to the M.

I told him the M had to come first. I think that your W saying she would be fine is suggesting she would "test the waters" to see if feelings of happiness return. I think this is backwards and agree w AS that dating your W / continue to have one-on-one time together w/o the pressure of moving back in looming is the way to go.

Everyone's sitch is different but I caution you to be very wary of jumping in feet first too quickly!

[FlyOnTheWall]

I have to laugh............

Apparently im getting the silent treatment since she said "Just come home..." speech a week ago. I'm not sure this is a roller coaster for me anymore. It feels like I've just gone around too many times now, and its time to get off the ride.

Whats sad, is im not even upset about it. I spent the last couple of days thinking about moving, finding a new job, and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I'm really, almost afraid, that i'm done. It just feels like games now. I'm tired on so many levels of it all.

Since EVERYTHING is in my name, cause my wife just never took care of her own credit. I'll have to be the one that files, and I've thought about that the last couple of days. I'm ok with it, really I am.

I've felt relaxed, no anxiety, and almost (sad to say) happy to not have to have the interactions. I didn't take any furniture when I left. I do have things i'd like to get, mostly would give her everything, as I just don't want much, but to move on.

The only thing I've debated to myself I think the last few days, is to just file, or tell her im filing and would like to make arrangements to pick up the couple of things i'd like to have, when she goes out of town again next weekend. I want to do it in the least confrontational way possible.

[JayMan]

fotw - this is good spot to be in from a detached standpoint, but make sure you don't make any rash decisions based on emotions. I've heard and seen people talk many times how an LBS becomes a WAS.

I hit the point where you are about two weeks ago; and, similar to you, it was right after W broke down crying saying she loved me, and we should work on things, etc. Immediately afterwards she backed WAY off, and even now I'm sort of getting the silent treatment as well.

I think they let their heart show a little, and that vulnerability scares them, so they go into lock-down mode, hard.

[Ambivalent]

FOTW,

Wow! You just slapped me in the face with what I was feeling a couple of weeks ago, months ago as well.

This was a cycling period. I guess this is common...you just may want to s l o w down.

Look back over your posts, feel what you were feeling.

Will you regret this later? Do you still love her? How will your life be better or worse due to your recent thought process?

Do you really care about her? What did those vows mean when you took them? For better or WORSE, in SICKNESS and in health?

Is this just you protecting your pride or heart?

After you think through this , have YOU done all that YOU could do?

[labug]

Do what works.

[Pudmuddle]

I have to agree with ambiv.

My first thought here was, what is your ultimate end goal? Wasn't it to reconcile? Have a happy marriage?

It's very difficult to not get caught up in the emotion of the moment. I am very good at doing this all the time!

It's hard to trust now because she has been so detached from you and now she wants something from you. You have learned to detach as well so there will have to be some build up in trust. Start slowly.

Remember what your true end goal is and do the right thing.

Discipline is doing what you need to do, even when you don't feel like doing it. So if you can't feel it right now, fake it until you make it.

My two cents.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Fly:

I totally understand that peaceful feeling that comes along with thinking about getting off the roller coaster. I get there myself all the time, but then I decide to ride just a little bit longer.

It's been a week since your w suggested that you just come home. What has actually happened during that week? I tend to put a lot of weight into the events of a short period of time in my own situation. But when I read other's situations ans see them doing it, I think to myself "wow! It has only been a week. Settle down.".

If you really think about it, is it possible that you have some expectation about how the reconciliation process should play itself out? Is it possible that your w has an expectation about how things would play out if you were to reconcile? What if deep down both you and your w want to reconcile, but there is no overlap between how each of you believe it should happen?

[chasingpavements]

Fly,

Just checking in to see how you are doing! Last time you posted you sounded like you were in a really good place, content. Glad to hear that you are finding/creating your own happiness.

peace,
-cp