Unlearning conflict avoidance 6

[lovethehub]

Isn't Mr. Bond's "Ice Queen" name calling? It sounds like an attack to my ears.

Bonds point is that your W has repeatedly asked you to stand up for yourself and to be a man. You don't have to use his exact words but you need to do this, even if it doesn't save your M it will be a start to get your self-respect back.

Here is how I see things, and you should know that I am very angry about this.
I have been kind, generous, and respectful to you for the last 10 years.
I have tried to rebuild our relationship again and again, in many different ways.
I have tolerated your having an affair.
I've felt insulted, judged, and disrespected by how you have spoken to and treated me, which made me feel like c--p in the process.
Separating me nightly from our family was horrible. What do you think the kids thought? What did they learn?
I did not appreciate learning from A**** that we were moving in the spring.
There is no longer any need to be told that I have Asperger's, that my family is lousy, or that I am deficient in some manner.
Well, I am done with being treated and spoken to that way. If you cannot behave, then there is no point in our talking until you can.
I will always have warm feelings for you. I feel like if you had put more effort into this, we would not be at this juncture. What a sad day our paths have lead to, what unnecessary pain and loss, what a legacy for the whole, forever broken, by your choice, family.

Your p-ss-- off husband, L.

Are you REALLY p*ss*d off about it? If not, saying you are without the emotion behind it will not have any impact. I wouldn't mention "tolerating her A" because it will reiterate her point that you don't stand up for yourself. She didn't separate you nightly from your children, you did. You allowed it instead of standing up for yourself. Do not say "if you can't behave", you are not talking to your child!

Do not tell her it is her fault and she should have tried harder. She is not the only one to blame; from what I have read she tried to tell you what she needed (someone who stood up for themselves and acted like a man) and you didn't give her that. I am not saying you have to or that you should be someone you aren't, I am saying that the breakdown is due to both of you. Why would she respect you and want to stay with you if you can't stand up for yourself? If you go off to the basement and allow yourself to be removed from your children's nightly routines? I would find that behavior to be a major turnoff, so again, listen to Bond and stand up for yourself, NOW. If your W won't go for a walk tonight then stand up to her anyway, just have a quiet anger (which can have a lot of impact) so the kids don't overhear everything. They know what is going on anyway, let your D see you stand up for yourself!

What is best for the kids? I still resent my parents selling the houses I spent time in as a kid, still feel an ache for these places. S19 is at college (leaving him there the first time was painful), so more out in the world, but perhaps home is still important to him.

This is a personal choice and will not impact whether you D or not. If you want to stay in the home, and you can afford to, TELL your W, I have decided we are not selling the house because I am staying, you can move wherever you want to and I will give you xxx.