Unlearning conflict avoidance 6

[Accuray]

Luke,

I'm sorry it's come to this for you, I can tell you're in a lot of pain over it.

I posted to you over a year ago that you have nothing to lose and your sitch could not get any worse -- there's nothing she can do to you or take from you that she has not done or taken.

A year ago you stood up to her once and nothing bad happened, and I hoped you would build upon that. Instead, however, you have seemed convinced that if you just defer to her, appease her, and serve her enough, she will come around and suddenly appreciate you.

Do you see now that this will not, and can not, EVER work?

So why would you continue to do it?

You are a smart guy, if you were trying to solve a problem at work would you try to same failed approach over and over and over and hope for a different outcome?

It is time to do something different, drastically different, and I could not agree with Mr. Bond enough. Time to get angry. Time to tell her how you really feel and what you really think.

Be honest, be authentic, but I would stop short of being cruel.

I do believe your wife has suffered too. She did tell you exactly what she wanted, and what she wanted you to do, and you did not do it, in fact, you did the opposite. Does that make you at fault? In my view, no. You can't be something you're not. I don't think MWD would agree that two people can simply be incompatible, but I believe they can. I believe that your domineering father made being domineered "your comfortable place". You know how to cope with that, that is the way you seek to be abused.

I do believe you can find a woman who will appreciate you for who you are and how you are. You will not have to change to suit her, you will not have to man-up. You will be more than good enough exactly as you are. That woman, however, will not be domineering, so you will need to do the work on yourself to get to a place where you can be attracted to a partner who does not dominate you.

Between being the he-man your current wife desires, or understanding yourself enough to break the pattern of seeking abuse, I think the latter may be the better path.

If you agree, then I would consent to your wife's divorce request, and try to get it over with as quickly as possible to so you can move on. Personally I think you should also take Bond's advice and speak your mind. 10 years of no sex alone would be enough to make me go ballistic.

Whatever you do, I wish you well

Acc