One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[T1000]

Did you ever get a book on boundaries. This is something that's so useful in life, and central to good R, it's worth spending some time on.

I don't know what your boundaries are. If your boundary is whatever you want your driving agreement to be (sorry, don't remember the details) then that's your boundary. Does that mean if she doesn't agree that you won't see your kids that weekend? Is that throwing your coat on a puddle? (I like that who metaphor, BTW) Or is it cutting off your nose to spite your face.?

You're right, you can't force her to drive to you or meet you halfway but it could be in the D settlement. She still may not do it and then you can be angry and fight about it for years. I've seen it happen. Kids who are from D homes do better when the parents realize they need to work together to make things better for the kids. Even one parent can make that choice and improve the situation.

Or you could conclude, things aren't always going to be my way but I will do my best to see my kids as much as I can No matter what W does or says, my kids are my priority.

I've not said you should protect her from life's lessons, I've said be clear what your boundaries are and where your actions my lead you, the consequences both intended and unintended.

Having empathy doesn't mean you step in and save her, that's codependent.

Some boundaries with W might be: If she speaks disrespectfully, I will end the conversation. (I think you've started doing this)
I will not put myself in financial jeopardy due to her spending. Her bills are her bills.
I will not speak disrespectfully to or about W.
I won't contact W unless it's about the kids.
If she contacts me about anything other than the kids, I will politely decline to continue the conversation..

I know this is hard stuff but it's all doable.

I started an audiobook on Boundaries about a month ago. This was just before OM2. When that happened I stopped a lot of things I was doing.
I will get back to it.

I don't think I can realistically set a boundary on my W doing any driving. Most boundaries involve the person taking themselves away from something that crosses the boundary, I can't do that with my kids.

I do and will continue to see my kids the best I can. At the same time I'm not going lie down while W takes the easy route just because I have been doing more in the past. I don't know how I'm going to make that happen.

They are my boundaries except the last one. It's 'If she contacts me about anything other than the kids, I will politely engage for a limited time and then leave the conversation.'

[Fartiltre]

Why the limited time?

[T1000]

If she wants to ask me question about car insurance or similar things I will talk to her about it but I'm not going focus a lot of time on it.

[Fartiltre]

So you will answer specific questions, but not interact in general conversation?

[T1000]

Yes. Unless it is a special occasion.
On S4's birthday we spent the afternoon together and I'm not going to ignore her in that setting.

If she texted me to chat I would cut it short.
It helps that I have a dislike for her at the moment.

[Fartiltre]

T,

I get you and I just wanted to make sure that you’ve been through these thoughts.

I get your point in this boundary setting discussion. It’s hard setting a boundary if not impossible, if the penalty doesn’t exist. Be sure that this is not just something in your head.

Remember what you wrote in HWAs thread:

I spent 12 months doing things hoping it would create change in W. I was living for R with W. It's what a lot of the LBS does whether 20 vets tell them to or not.

I have found that with DB you don't understand the parts you are working on until you have moved through it.
That's why taking the vets advice is so important. If we could do it ourselves then why are we on here?

Are you looking for reasons NOT to go along with the VETs advice, are the points you make really fears that should be faced, are they for real, are you looking at your own sit the way you mentioned in HWAs thread – lot of possibilities.

Give it a thought!

T, this is - as always - truly well meant! I just want you to take a second look at things! I am not into starting a long discussion about this since you are so much more experienced than me. This is your call and yours alone - but you do have the VETs right there by your side!

F

[T1000]

I prefer to go with vet advice.
I don't need to agree with it but I do need to understand it.

I'm still stuck on the ignoring W's email does anything to get her involved with the driving.


I know it's always well meant F, don't hold back or worry about me taking it the wrong way. I know you and everyone has my best interests at heart.

[Fartiltre]

T,

We are much alike!!

I don't need to agree with it but I do need to understand it.

I get this so well! – That’s me typing!

Try changing your reply’s from statements about your opinion to questions about theirs. Instead of stating your own opinion (and defending it) – try asking the VETS about the reasons for theirs.

Just my 2!

F

[T1000]

T,

We are much alike!!

I don't need to agree with it but I do need to understand it.

I get this so well! – That’s me typing!

Try changing your reply’s from statements about your opinion to questions about theirs. Instead of stating your own opinion (and defending it) – try asking the VETS about the reasons for theirs.

Just my 2!

F

Good idea. I like it.

[sandi2]

I know you don't want to play that card, but it is the only thi g that will make her do part of the driving. I say call her bluff and tell her the only way you can do three weekends is if does her share of the driving. You know she will, b/c she can't stick it out a single week without calling you to rescue her. Don't be scared you aren't going to get the kids plenty, b/c you will have them every time you turn around.

Yes, by all means respond by telling her she has to drive!

Btw, how do you know she's not lying about the insurance being twice the amount you were paying? It make be the makings of her asking for more money in the near future.