One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[T1000]

Did you ever get a book on boundaries. This is something that's so useful in life, and central to good R, it's worth spending some time on.

I don't know what your boundaries are. If your boundary is whatever you want your driving agreement to be (sorry, don't remember the details) then that's your boundary. Does that mean if she doesn't agree that you won't see your kids that weekend? Is that throwing your coat on a puddle? (I like that who metaphor, BTW) Or is it cutting off your nose to spite your face.?

You're right, you can't force her to drive to you or meet you halfway but it could be in the D settlement. She still may not do it and then you can be angry and fight about it for years. I've seen it happen. Kids who are from D homes do better when the parents realize they need to work together to make things better for the kids. Even one parent can make that choice and improve the situation.

Or you could conclude, things aren't always going to be my way but I will do my best to see my kids as much as I can No matter what W does or says, my kids are my priority.

I've not said you should protect her from life's lessons, I've said be clear what your boundaries are and where your actions my lead you, the consequences both intended and unintended.

Having empathy doesn't mean you step in and save her, that's codependent.

Some boundaries with W might be: If she speaks disrespectfully, I will end the conversation. (I think you've started doing this)
I will not put myself in financial jeopardy due to her spending. Her bills are her bills.
I will not speak disrespectfully to or about W.
I won't contact W unless it's about the kids.
If she contacts me about anything other than the kids, I will politely decline to continue the conversation..

I know this is hard stuff but it's all doable.

I started an audiobook on Boundaries about a month ago. This was just before OM2. When that happened I stopped a lot of things I was doing.
I will get back to it.

I don't think I can realistically set a boundary on my W doing any driving. Most boundaries involve the person taking themselves away from something that crosses the boundary, I can't do that with my kids.

I do and will continue to see my kids the best I can. At the same time I'm not going lie down while W takes the easy route just because I have been doing more in the past. I don't know how I'm going to make that happen.

They are my boundaries except the last one. It's 'If she contacts me about anything other than the kids, I will politely engage for a limited time and then leave the conversation.'