Sorry it has taken me so long to post. So much has happened since the anniversary/confrontation that I don’t know where to begin but I will do my best.
A couple of days after our anniversary my wife woke me up in the middle of the night and told me she wanted to talk. She told me that when we got remarried that she didn’t understand why we fought so much. She told me that the way I have been treated her the last four months is how I should have treated her from the very beginning when we got remarried. She told me that if I really loved her that I would have done everything to treat her well and to not risk destroying the marriage since I knew how much the divorce hurt. She asked me how could I say that I loved her when I treated her so badly when we got married. I did a good job just listening, validating and hearing her out. I told her that I didn’t have an explanation other than I was wrong and sorry for my actions. She told me that it felt good to let it out and that she just wanted me to listen to her. Needless to say, I felt really ashamed about the last 2 years and she made some very valid points.
After that talk, she continued to wake me up in the middle of the night to talk. She really began to lower her walls and to tell me a little bit about her fears, some of the issues she is facing with her past, etc. She told me that the OM has helped her out a lot in working out her issues and that she would never marry him since she wants financial stability that she doesn’t think he can give her. She told me that she is not going to stop talking to OM and that they are just friends. She told me that the OM told her that she needs to think about the last time she and I were happy and use that as a starting point to start working on our marriage. She told me that she can’t think of the last time we were happy together – that she doesn’t really have any good memories of us together other than when we were dating. She told me that she doesn’t know what is going to happen to our marriage but that she is trying to figuring things out. I listened, validated and did not repeat the mistakes I made in the past of interrupting or making it about me. I really tried to understand things from her perspective. She is going to start counseling tomorrow for herself.
After these talks I honestly thought I was about to enter another cold war. Instead, the opposite seemed to have happened. Several nights in a row she woke me up (I’ve been sleeping in my daughter’s room) and asked me why I was sleeping there. I always try to be vague and say things like I fell asleep putting our daughter to bed, etc). Anyway, she told me to come lay down next to her. After several days of this, I’ve now been sleeping on the same bed as her. She then has been telling me to give her a massage or to rub her back. The last five days or so I’ve not only have been sleeping on the same bed, but I’ve been holding her to. We even got up several times in the morning to exercise together. Overall, she seems more playful and talkative to me than usual. That said, I think me being on the bed is only limited to night time. Several times I tested the waters when she was laying down doing the day on the bed and I got on bed next to her and she would response by asking me “what am I doing on the bed?” So I took that as she telling me to back off.
As far as OM goes, she is getting comfortable talking about him doing our conversations. She is vague but she will say stuff like OM and I were talking about such and such, etc. Very broad and general in nature. She refuses to recognize this as an emotional affair but I’ve been doing a good job on just listening and not showing any type of disapproval, etc. It hurts but I know that love has to be free – that I can’t be controlling – she has to come to me on her own terms. Honestly, I don’t think she will ever break from OM – I think she is convinced that being friends regardless of what happened between them is appropriate. Her other best friend use to be an ex-boyfriend (this is before we got married/remarried). I know I can’t think or focus on that now but a certain sadness will still come over me at times thinking about her and the OM.
I sometimes feel like quitting. Today has been one of those days. I see so many positive signs and yet I feel like she will never want me or love me like the way she expressed her feelings for this OM. She told me that she is going to start going walking with him again (she hadn’t gone walking with him the last 2 weeks). I tell her that exercising is good and that she should go walking to take care of herself. I’ve been trying real hard to not show disapproval or contempt. She is a free person to do what she wants and I can only control what I do.
Overall, school has been keeping me busy. My wife sees that I am making an effort to put family first and has made several comments about it. My daughter had try outs for a swim team and my wife was happy that I didn’t go to class to see our daughter try out. If the family is doing something together (like watching TV in the living, etc), I am with them, even if I am studying. I am really trying to put family first here but it is really hard sometimes with the demands of work and school but I am determine to make it work (plus coffee helps). I’ve also gotten heavily involved with a lot of my daughter’s activities (I am on the girl’s scout committee, etc).
I am still confused on what I should or shouldn’t be doing. Sometimes I’m not sure if I should be texting her, calling her, etc. So I don’t and let her come to me. Right now that seems to be working best. I really do want to save this marriage but I think at this point I want her to get the help that she needs to be whole again. Her past and my actions have caused a lot of damage to her. So I am hoping that with time, counseling, etc that she will find happiness and feel safe again – with or without me. I need to work on detaching and not having expectations. I’ve also been thinking about what I need to do to work on myself – to become a better person and not go back to being that mean person I was earlier this year. I will write later and response to some of the previous responses.
