You are surprised at the lack of character that the OM has? Really? It takes a really high level of character of a man to have an affair with a married woman, regardless of her feelings.
All in all, this is why I always tell people to not snoop. I know where my W lives. I have not googled the address. I have not done a drive by scouting mission. I removed myself from many of the websites we used to frequent.
Life hurts enough without the self-inflicted stuff.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Well, I know the general consensus about the snooping on this board, but sometimes it can be beneficial. My latest snooping revealed something about my H that made me rethink my hopes for a R with him.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I was once told you find out things when you're ready for them. As Accuray pointed out, you already pretty much knew something was going on and now it's confirmed.
My question to you is what is your next step? Does this change the journey you're on since you already pretty much knew?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Guys...I have said before that I have zero, zero hope of reconciliation. We have had several talks, and she is just done. Not sure if its a MLC, me, whatever...but she saw a therapist last year after I got home from Afghanistan...and recent conversations have revealed that those counseling sessions gave her the strength and ability to walk away when she felt she needed or wanted to.
This is why I do not trust counselors.
I did all my 180s and more, she just isnt interested. She has moved on, and having the time of her life. Sure its easy now, her son is 17, finished her degree, got the big promotion at work, ect...all while I supported those things for years. So now its fun time, or as she put it "its ok for me to go wild before I get in another relationship".
I know many of you have had cheating spouses or were left for another person, yet hope to reconciliate with your spouse. But I am sorry, I cant do it. I can not accept her back after she "goes wild" having random, or even short term R sex with other guys. And too be honest I dont think she would come back anyway. She is a strong woman, something that attracted me to her...and she will simply move on rather than ever come back to me, no matter what I do.
So, I still believe in this system, and the help that everyone provides to eachother...but I think the road has come to an end for me. I need to get over her once and for all....and move on myself.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
By the way...that last part is much much easier said then done. I have turned down dates, and another woman who showed a real interest in me (I friend zoned her) because I havent let go of the ex yet. And I dont think I will for awhile.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Take the time you need to heal and process things, but don't let that become an excuse to wallow in sadness and stall your personal growth. Sometimes you will have to push yourself and go through the motions a bit to pick yourself back up (think of it as a mental battle versus your emotions), but it's natural to need some time to accept the recent confirmation of your reality with your W.
I am sorry to hear about your recent news, but it may end up being a positive step in your life. It could be the finality you need to move forward and become the man you want to be.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Guys...I have said before that I have zero, zero hope of reconciliation. We have had several talks, and she is just done.
They ALL think they're done, but many of them do eventually want to reconcile. A good friend of mine has a WAS and when she walked she told him mean, ugly things. She HATED him. Two years later they started talking and became friends again, now they are back in a relationship and she thinks he's the smartest, kindest, most sexy man that ever walked the planet. I'm not telling you to sit around and wait for her, but I often hear LBS's claim it's all over because their WAS is "done", but you can't believe anything the WAS says. If you want to end it then do it for the right reasons, not because of something the WAS says. Because (Sandi's rule) you can't believe anything they say and only half of what they do.
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Not sure if its a MLC, me, whatever...but she saw a therapist last year after I got home from Afghanistan...and recent conversations have revealed that those counseling sessions gave her the strength and ability to walk away when she felt she needed or wanted to.
This is why I do not trust counselors.
It's not the IC's fault. The WAS seeks enablers, and most IC's are enablers because that's what they've been trained to do. They tell the person what they already want to hear. If the IC told your W she was wrong, she would have sought enablers elsewhere. That's what WAS's do.
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But I am sorry, I cant do it. I can not accept her back after she "goes wild" having random, or even short term R sex with other guys.
That's certainly your choice to make, if that's a deal-killer for you then get the D ball rolling. Just make sure it's really what you want first.
Whether it feels like it or not this is your decision to either stand or not to stand. No one will judge you either way.
Originally Posted By: SFC_Swede
So, I still believe in this system, and the help that everyone provides to each other...but I think the road has come to an end for me. I need to get over her once and for all....and move on myself.
Want in on a little secret? This system, if you look at it from a high level, is about taking back your life after BD. It's about detaching from your S, it's about GALing, it's about meeting new people, and it's about diving into yourself and peeling back the layers. It's built to figure out what some of your issues are, maybe figure out the why's to those issues, and gives you tools to improve yourself so you can become the best person you can be. When you do all that there just might be a chance of saving your M. Sometimes it doesn't work out but that doesn't mean the road has come to an end.
From someone who's M didn't get saved I can tell you my life is much more fulfilling than it was while M'd. I could go on and on. Just know, if you figure out who you are and understand you make your own happiness then you will be just fine. It just takes some time but just stay true to yourself.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
