Well, I feel like I'm talking to myself, but it feels good to journal!
Yesterday was probably my most painful day yet - and it wasn't even about W. Last year I took S5 to the fair, and I was there yesterday, and missed him so bad I thought my heart would break.
This going dark has been especially hard because W was so positive and flirty and hugged me and talked about us getting together - then spent the next day, first day I went dark, with the suspected EA and his family. Again, maybe W is so blind right now she thinks it's OK to have a single guy come and bring his D and hang with her, and she believes he'll have no expectations on her.
Then the second day, I missed the step-kids so bad, I thought I was gonna die.
But today, I feel good - it seems like once I get through the first 24 hours of going dark, the detachment starts to click back in, and I'm able to step back a little. Apparently she's still thinking/praying about things, so I'm going to deal with what I know. I had gotten to a good place of being ready to let her go and sign divorce, and by Friday, I should be pretty good again. I'm actually not even going to call her on Friday. If she wants to talk, she can call me. And if she doesn't, well, I guess we'll meet in court.
